Put me down for throwing out your list. My girlfriend has a friend who has a similar list, and not surpisingly, she has been on about a thousand first dates and never had a boyfriend, despite being desperate to get one, for the five years that I’ve known her.
First off, I’m not saying to drop your standards and date an ugly or boring guy. But, what I am saying is that the idea that you will meet someone and automatically like everything about them is not very realistic; and from my experience, situations where this does happen rarely turn out to be good relationships. My recommendation is to start off with a base line, most people’s is physical attraction. If the person meets that criteria give them a chance. First dates can be notoriously awkward, so don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions (of course if the guys is a total flop, there’s no need to see him again). Try doing a few different things before you jump to conclusions. Since your not doing anything serious with anyone, do this with multiple people. Maybe things will stat to click with somebody. Or not, but at least you will have a full social calendar.
IMO…all you need is to meet more guys. Internet dating might help with this.
You’ve met 10 guys? You’ve probably dated at most, what, 20 others in your life?
That’s nothing. You might need to meet hundreds before you find one where you both click.
Not trying to discourage you but to encourage. You’re probably not as ‘weird’ as you think…you just haven’t met enough people. Also, if you constantly meet guys that don’t lustfully pursue you…you probably aren’t dating enough variety of guys (like only dating grad students…). Give different ‘kinds’ of guys a chance
I am very familiar with this problem, only from the other side. I spend my time reading, sitting at the computer, or working in my woodshop. Not exactly conducive to meeting people.
I guess what it boils down to is don’t force things. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Oh, and if you’re close enough to bloom, drop me a line. I’ll buy you dinner sometime
The thing I’m having trouble with is the line between giving someone a chance and waiting around for the dates to somehow improve. I’m afraid of giving up on a guy too soon, but I also feel like I can tell after two or three dates that I’m just not that into him. I don’t know how to fight off the feeling that it must be better than that, if I could just find the right person.
You mentioned upthread that you were afraid of stringing them along. However, if you keep the relationship more on the casual side, and just kind of “friend” into it, you may find that you’ll see these guys in a different light. Obviously it’s not going to work with the guys who fall head over heels instantly (you’re very pretty so I imagine it happens a lot!) but there are a lot of guys who want to take it easy.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t think you necessarily need to change anything. You sound like a smart person with a good head on her shoulders, and you know when it’s right and when it’s not right. I believe that if you don’t feel the chemistry by the second or third date, it’s probably time to move on.
I had a friend in her 30s who really wanted to be in a serious relationship, but couldn’t seem to get past that second or third date. It’s not like she had a long checklist of crap, but she was self-aware and she knew what kind of person would suit her. She too was accused of being too picky. Then she met a guy with whom she really clicked on the first date. It just felt natural. She ended up marrying him, and she told me she was so grateful she didn’t listen to all the people who thought she should just settle.
So my advice is just to go forth and date, don’t overthink it, and have faith.
This makes me feel better. I’ve read a couple of books on dating issues and none of it really fits me. It made me feel kind of freakish. Good to know it’s not just me
I don’t think you’re freakish at all - I think what you’re experiencing is completely normal (and very common) for your average, young adult type. I think you’re at the same place a lot of people are at your age. I also realize that probably doesn’t help much - everyone always told me I’d meet someone someday, and now that I have, I believe them.
Maybe look at the list of things you want in a different light - when my husband was internet dating (we met through a dating site), he had a three strike rule that made sense. Barring deal-breakers (smoker/non-smoker, wants kids/doesn’t want kids, etc.), he’d give them three strikes and then if they hit the third strike (incompatibility, lying, older than they said, more kids than they said, no sense of humour, whatever), he wouldn’t continue with them (I guess I haven’t hit three yet ).
As for me, I believe in a spectrum of compatibility, not one true love for everyone. The closer together you are on the spectrum, the better a match you are, but it doesn’t have to be a perfect match to be a good match (contrary to what Hollywood would have us believe). Before I met my husband, I dated a guy for three years who I had no future with (religious incompatibility - one of the biggies). It wasn’t a waste of time, though, because it really sharpened my focus for what I DID want. Not that you should be settling or going out with guys you truly don’t like, but that guy whose only flaw was he didn’t flirt enough? I’d give him another go.
If you notice, your OP is formatted so that it takes up about half the width page, instead of the full width, like you’re pressing enter after a certain amount of space taken up (I assume that’s what you’re doing). It was a bit strange.
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