Angry and Confused with Family

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m confused by parents right now especially mine. My parents raised me to be completely independent of them. When I became too independent I was asked very nicely I must say to become less independent of them or leave home. So I left.

Now I’m in sort of a situation where my parents want me to move back in with them. They think they are helping me which is great most parents should want to thier children help if they can. But I refused.

My situation had all but worked itself out when I go this offer to move back home so I declined. Now my parents are mad at me.

They do not need me home, it would be a burden on them if I came back, the great relationship we have now that I’m not under thier nose would be ruined, I’d have to get rid of my cat and I’d have to get rid of all the cool stuff I’ve accumulated just to fit neatly back into thier tiny house.

One long run on sentence but it made my point.

These are all valid reasons for not going back. Seeing as you all don’t understand my family history I’ll tell you it’s not a pleasant story. I’ll say that it could have been better not because I was spoiled as a child it’s because I did not know how to communicate with them. There are otherreasons but for respect for my parents I’ll not say them to complete strangers.

The fact is I have, even if I have not matured, outgrown my parents house. I’m sure they know this because I’ve told them this. They’ve even agreed with me on it back when I was doing fine.

But now after I gotten myself out of a bad situation I’m getting angry calls not only from them but from peripheral family memebers as well. They’ve all united to scream mean nasty and ugly things at me for refusing to move back in with my parents. I’m angry and truly confused about this because everyone in the family knows how bad the situation will be if I ever go back there. I’ve handled my Mom and Dad pretty well but to have other family memebers team up to make me feel bad just pisses me off.

In my family you can’t scream back no matter how old you become. If you do it only gets worse because you’ve disrespected them. I’ve never been the one to take that kind of abuse from any one but I’ve watched my words with all of them up until today I’ve had enough and I refuse to take any more. I don’t care what they think I should do half of them don’t even live in the same state as I did with my parents. The other half hasn’t talked to some of my family for years, they have no right to even critcise my reasons for not moving back in with my parents. One of them had to never to call me by one of my cousin’s names and she’s in a totaly different situations. I’m convincesd that some of these people are just looking for some one to yell at because they know I won’t yell back.

Now Mom the most impotant character in all this knows exactly what’s going on. I’m sure she called everyone she knows and told them what I’m doing. A) it’s none of thier business and B) it’s none of thier business. My mother and I are exactly alike in personality and I know that we clash. We’ve clashed so much that I once left the house to walk off my anger with her only to come home and find the locks were changed. Yeah I said I wasn’t going to mention stuff but to make a point you know. Why would I want to come back to that when this same woman is my best friend now that we have our own persoanl space. We NEED our own perosanl space why would any parent want to ruin that I don’t know.

2

How old are you? If you’re over 18 then I have no idea why they would want you to move back home. Are they very controlling people?

All I can tell you is to go on with your life as best you can. Maybe some distance for a while will help. I went through a two year period of not speaking to my mother, and it was best for all involved. We’ve been the best of friends ever since.

3

It took me a long time to learn this one:

“I really appreciate the interest you’re taking in my life, but I’d appreciate it more if you would mind your own business.”

Say it very calmly, thank the person for calling, tell him/her to have a nice day, and hang up the phone.

4

I moved back in with my parents at the beginning of the year, at their invitation, but if I had declined they certainly wouldn’t be that upset with me. Weird.

5

Near as I can tell, it was probably difficult for them to make the invitation, much like a man asking a woman to marry him. Now, the fact that you have said no has been taken as a personal rejection, because it was an emotional matter, not a logical one.

Write your parents a letter (because it isn’t talking back that way, I had the same issue with my parents), thanking them for their concern and effort for you, expressing whatever honest positive emotions you can muster, say you understand that it wasn’t an easy decision for them either, explain you want to keep them in your life, but that it is not a logical thing for you to go back home.

I doubt that would make things worse, at any rate. I had a similar relationship with my father. We were too much alike, but get along very well when we don’t live together.

6

I remember a line I heard, I think on Seinfeld…"Why is it that your parents can so easily push your buttons?

Because they installed them!"

7

Hold your ground. Don’t go back. No matter what your situation comes to, you WILL regret moving back. Sounds like a control issue (to me, anyway).

8

Caller ID.

Sorry, but I’m just not home for people who want to scream at me.

Again, how old are you?

Stand your ground. Do not move back.

[yoda]
Or forever bound to the dark side will you be.
[/yoda]

9

I’m 23 years old I haven’t lived at that house in 4 years. I’ve had many ups and downs and each time I hit a problem they want me to come back home. I’m convinced now that I’m not there it really irks them that I don’t aks them for anything for assistance. I’ll always call for advice but I’ve never asked them to bend over backwards to hook me up.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m thinking of changing my phone number. I just came home form work I have two messages from some family memeber along the lines of: Just move back in or your mother will nevver leave us alone. Or the other one: Your making a mess of you life if you had just stayed at home where your mother and father would be able to take care of you.

Of course none of these people never actually had to live in the same house as my parents. None of them had to pray each time they came home that the key would fit the lock or worse none of them never had to carry thier house keys around them all the time even in the shower. None of them had to watch as my parents through out CDs and movies because they just wanted to make your life a living hell. No one in this forsaken family even understands what kind of strain my brothers and I we’re under living under our parents roof.

That house is a total mind fuck No one not even my parents seem to understand that.

10

Tia,

I’m very sorry about your family situation. It sounds like you have it very rough, and that your family refuses to allow you to grow up. I seriously recommend that you get some kind of counselling to help you deal with all of your problems. Even if your financial situation isn’t the best, there are always low-cost options available. I suggest calling a help line and asking where you can find someone to talk to.

11

Well damn, sounds like you went through something almost identical to what I and my brother experienced.
Good luck with it, don’t back down, you will most certainly regret it if you do… some parents just want to have an element of control in your life. Personally I can’t take that.
-DLC

12

I know this solution is very difficult and certainly not for everyone, but it sounds like your family situation is very much like mine was. The only effective way I found to handle it is to break all ties with my entire family. I have never been healthier, mentally. I will never allow those people back into my life.

13

My parents don’t have the right to call me up and scream at me about anything; my more distant relatives certainly don’t have that right. Change your number, get caller id, do whatever it takes, but stop being a victim here. You are 23 years old; this is not the kind of behaviour adults accept from other adults. You have every right in the world to live your own life your own way at 23.

14

I would change my number.

It seems like they have this need to control you.

When they call asK: “why do you want to control me so bad, does it threaten you that much to not have control”

My .02

15

I think you need an all purpose answer to your family.

Something like, “I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

Repeat that - in as pleasant a tone as you can muster - word for word, no matter what they say. Don’t give any other explanation.

“Just move back - your mother is driving us crazy!”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

“Why don’t you want to move back? Don’t you love us?”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

“Your sister needs you back here!”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

“We promise things will be different this time!”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

“Just tell us what you object to, and we can change it!”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

“Why are you sounding like a broken record? We are your parents, and we want to help you!”

“I appreciate your concern. If I ever need to move back, I will ask you about it.”

Regards,
Shodan

16

What is their stated reason for you needing to move back? Are you doing something immoral/illegal to pay your rent? (or is it just wacky parents?)

Also, when you change your number, be aware that most states give you the option to pick any name for your phone listing, and also give the option to not have a “forwarded number message” left at your old number. Also, I really reccomend caller ID, it’s fun to answer the phone obnoxiously when Telemarketers call, or to just ignore people who need ignoring. Sometimes I just hold the phone over the porcelain appliance when people just won’t take no for an answer, and just flush. I usually end up laughing hysterically and just hang up giddy instead of pissed off.
I hate phones. I’ll be praying for you and your situation. I hope it improves.

17

Change your number or stop answering the phone.

Repeat this like a mantra to your entire family: I am not a child. I am a responsible adult capable of taking care of myself.

When any of them get abusive, cut them off and repeat the above mantra. If they persist, then hang up! Turn off the answering machine, unplug the phone.

Don’t get angry, don’t swear at them, don’t insult them back. That will just increase tension and you’ll hurt yourself.

But this is going to be hard, it is going to be painful.

You have two options;

A> Stand up for yourself. Don’t move back, don’t put up with the abuse. It works even better if you can manage to do it calmly and allow them to be the ones behaving badly. Yes, they will be hurt. No, it won’t be easy. But you will have your independence and self-respect, and possibly their respect, even if that takes a while.

B> Give in and move back. Die a slow death. Might as well sit down in the wheel chair and pith yourself right now. Because you won’t respect yourself and neither will they. You will forever be their little incompetent child who must be watched and tended to.

Take solice in the knowledge that you aren’t alone. I have a number of friends with poor relations with their parents, some haven’t spoken to one or both parents in several years. Yes, they’ll always be your family, but NO, you don’t need to have an abusive person involved in your life.

And no, it won’t go away as you get older.

I’m 40 years old. I spent this last Christmas season angry at and fighting with my parents. Because they still treat me like a child and won’t accept my decisions. On the other side of the coin, my step-daughter will be getting married in May or June and starting a family. So on that side of the fence I will be a Grandparent (step-, but we won’t be using that).

Imagine trying to reconcile that one.

18

I don’t really have any good advice to offer - personally I think you should stand your ground, and I think it’s disgusting that your family, both close and distant is giving you such hassle over this situation.

I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but have you considered just trying a have a calm and rational discussion with your parents about the abuse that’s being thrown your way by all these relatives? After all if they believe they are acting on your parents wishes then the best people to stop them doing so are your parents themselves?

Having said that, it could be that this would only make matters worse given your fairly imflammable relationship - you know best I’m sure.

Good luck! If all else fails, do whatever you need to make yourself happy and don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else!

19

Tia3child, remember that you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. You don’t need to say anything hurtful or aggressive to them. You don’t need to remind them that you are grown up.

Shodan’s broken record technique is one that has worked for me many times. Notice that what is suggested does not insult anyone or blame anyone. It doesn’t ask rhetorical questions that often lead to defensiveness. You are just being firm. Using this technique is fair* to everyone whether they like it or not. And notice that it leaves the door open for friendship.

There is a good book called, I think, Setting Boundaries. That is what you are in the process of doing. Also, Co-dependent No More helped me to get out of the mire and still feel good about myself.

Get caller ID and unplug that answering machine for a while. You will be surprised how much better you will feel! You can always plug it back in whenever you wish.

20

If you do go the caller ID route ask the phone Co. about “anonymous caller block”.