As answered above, “No.” There is not way to classy way to ask for cash. They can do like my cousin and have a potluck reception and a “money tree”, but be prepared for that to still be remembered 23 years later.
My personal feeling is that people who think cash is a great gift don’t need to be told to give cash, they’ll give it no matter what you say. People who are on the fence will give cash when they see there is no registry. People who don’t like to give cash won’t change their mind because someone they know is getting married, asking for cash is only going to offend that group of guests. So really, there’s very little to be gained by outright asking for cash, it might nudge a few guests in one direction but it has the potential to annoy many more. Even the “cash is a great gift” crowd doesn’t necessarily want to hear the bride and groom ask for it.
My answer to the OP was basically going to be “The only classy way to ask for cash as a wedding gift is to be a member of a culture that has a tradition of giving cash at weddings.” If you’re part of Western culture, then asking for cash is a serious faux pas, and there is no classy way to do it.
Asking for cash as a wedding gift is seriously tacky.
How much is enough? Great gift bargains don’t happen with cash; and I think people are compelled to be more generous with the amount because it’s like cold, hard proof of how much they think of you both.
If attending a wedding means forking out about two hundred bucks for dinner and a seat, it’d better be a fucking good show.
The classy way is to not-ask. To say something to the effect (not this, but this. I mean, not actually this, but this):
“We’re getting married, but as we’re both grown-ups, we already have sufficient toaster ovens and knife blocks. The best gift you could give us is your sincere wishes for a happy future together, however, if you really want to supplement that with something tangible, cash or vouchers for store X will certainly be appreciated”
I read her on a regular basis. And she is still quite firm in insisting that there is absolutely no classy way to ask for cash, or to even mention gifts in any fashion. She says that it’s OK to let the parents and/or the Female of Honor know about any gift registries or preferences for cash, but it has to be done by word of mouth, IIRC, not written down.
See, this where we differ. Only kids ask for cash as a gift.
Only kids ask for gifts at all - cash or otherwise.
However, I believe that according to scrupulous Etiquette (with a capital E), they aren’t supposed to ask the couple, because that would put the couple in the indelicate position of having to tell the truth, and Etiquette is very opposed to that practice. The guests must, upon receiving the invitation (and a gift is an obligation according to at least one book of very scrupulous Etiquette), begin a game of phone tag (or even better, hand-written letter tag) with the couple’s relatives, after which any details on gifts will eventually emerge out of the ether. The couple is supposed to maintain a facade of complete ignorance of the fact that people will be giving the gifts, and the guests are supposed to further that lie by never letting on that they will be following the rules of Etiquette by giving the couple a gift. Any deviation from this kabuki dance by the couple will lead to snarky comments about how tacky and greedy they are for telling the truth about how weddings work.
Touché, Mangetout!
This is the only correct answer.
To be less dickish in answering the OP, the correct way to address it on an invitation is:
Please, no gifts. If you must, donations to XYZ Organization are appreciated, but we request only your company as we formally celebrate the rest of our lives together.
If you’re in your late 30s or after, I can’t think of a tactful way to ask for cash, other than not asking for it. Don’t register, don’t speak of gifts, hope for the best. I understand that weddings are expensive, but if you can’t pay for the party at that age? Maybe a party isn’t the best choice. City Hall weddings cost about twenty bucks.
The invitation could include a photo of the happy couple holding a cardboard sign reading, “Will marry for money.”
Yes, add a, “There’s no classy way to ask for cash in lieu of gifts” to the pile for me.
However, it occurs to me that it will most likely occur to MOST people that two people in their 40s are not “setting up household”, and thus do not need the stereotypical blender and toaster that most young couples have on their registry.
I’d wager that this couple would get a high percentage of cash and gift cards without saying a word about it.
Nope, no classy way. And invitations aren’t supposed to mention gifts.
I’ve known couples with wedding websites–which included details of the celebration, family information, tourist info for the destination (friends & family came from all over) & on one page, favorite charities & possibly a “registration” link.
Generally, gift information is communicated verbally–through close friends & family. Registration was more meaningful in the old days, when the couple was moving away from their families & setting up house for the first time. If they’ve been on their own for years, have been through a couple of previous “households” or have been shacked up for a while, registration is a little childish.
If people want to know, they’ll ask. If they don’t know you well enough to ask–why are they on the guest list?
I still read Miss Manners, and she still loathes any reference to gifts (especially money) on invitations.
I read in a wedding magazine recently an article about bridezillas. In my opinion, the worst was a woman who sent out invitations asking for cash gifts only. When people criticized her for it, she lied and said her maid of honor “made” her do that! :smack:
I read on another site about a couple having a destination wedding so far away very few could be expected to attend. The mother of the bride was throwing an engagement party and wondered if she could ask guests for cash - to pay for the honeymoon! Not only could people not go to the wedding, not only is an engagement party NOT a shower, but you were supposed to pitch in money to pay for their honeymoon? (if they were getting married in some exotic place, wouldn’t they already be there for a honeymoon? the guests were expected to pay for this? It sounds so crass.)
I’ve heard there are actually ‘honeymoon registries’ where you can donate cash to pamper the couple in their first days of wedded bliss - ‘A couples massage’. ‘One hour of horseback riding’. ‘Bottle of Dom Perignon champagne waiting in the hotel room’. :rolleyes: How about box of condoms and a six-pack?
Exactly. For some reason I blew by the part about them being in their 40s on the first read of the OP.
Anyone who they know well enough to invite to the wedding should already know they have a household and anyone will any sort of common sense will guess they’ve already got matching toasters, so when they are thinking
it’s what Kimstu says, a childish desire for a shopping spree rather than simply enjoy what people give them.
Have your English butler hand deliver the invitations to the guests, presenting them on a silver platter. Use actual gold leaf intaglio on the invitations. All very classy stuff. The request for cash on the invitation will slip by without comment.
When we got married our website included our registries (which we didn’t want to do but around shower time realized that we had to whether we like it or not) and a request to Donate to the Couch Fund. We included a picture of our janky old couch and a picture of the one we wanted. Lots of people who gave us checks wrote “couch fund” on the memo line. Our thank you card had a picture of us sitting on our new couch. So if you have a goal or need that is too large to expect as a gift you could spread the word about it. You said your friends would like use the money to get what they’d like- what would they like?
My understanding of the honeymood fund websites is that you just get cash, even though people are giving a something, like $50 towards the flight. However most people I know who use them end up getting more real cash than honeymoon cash gifts from the website.