Slightly off-topic, but this is exactly why I get pissed off when some kid (whom I have never met) of a distant friend sends me a wedding invitation for an event that is happening 3000 miles away and they know full well I have no intention of attending.
It is obviously a ploy to guilt me into sending $$.
I don’t know you, I have barely spoken with your parents in years, and I am not going to send you cash/check.
I think a lot of people buy gifts so they don’t come across as “cheap”. It seems better if you buy a kitchen appliance or nick-knack and nobody knows what it cost (hey, I got that nice gift on sale, using coupons as well), versus just giving $40. Plus, a lot of people rightly think giving cash is lazy and almost an afterthought.
Well, usually it is in bad taste to ask for cash, but here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your wedding, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.
See, the problem with posting this is sometime in the future someone who knows me may connect my name with this account, and they aren’t going to get the topical reference, and they are going to think I am very sleazy.
I wouldn’t even say that. People will be able to figure it out. At our wedding, we just didn’t say anything. If somebody asked about the registry (about three people did), we told them that we’re not registered, because we have everything we need, but if you’re looking for ideas, wine or whisky is always appreciated. We ended up with cash, anyway. Honestly, though, we weren’t fishing for cash. Hell, we didn’t even want any gifts, but apparently even saying that is against wedding etiquette, so we said as little as possible. We really did have our house set up and didn’t need anything on any of the registries. However, it should be noted that I live in Chicago, where cash gifts are very common. Even if we had a registry, the bulk of gifts would probably be cash.
We’re somewhat lucky about this in Canada - there is one place where people register for weddings (The Bay), and one place where people look for people’s registries, so this whole dance is not necessary. You still can’t ask for cash, though.
Don’t register, don’t mention gifts on the invites.
Do tell the people who will be asked, to answer:
"Well, you know they really don’t need much, and I know for a fact they’d really like their friends not to stress about the right gift, more than anything else.
So I’m giving them cash, it’s easy for me, and, I’m assuming easy for them. They are both pretty casual about the whole thing. If I were you, I’d just do whatever’s easy, and don’t worry about it."
Even if there’s no classy way to ask for cash, most people will give it anyway. But to forestall any unwanted appliances, you can always just set up a registry at Target. Is there nothing your friends could possibly use from Target? Socks, shoes, camping gear, picture frames, or maybe some extravagant sheets on the off-chance someone will buy them? A fancy bottle of wine and cheese? Better than getting three blenders because they didn’t register, you know.
If they’re already doing a non-traditional wedding, it’s not going to offend somebody to see items that are *actually *needed on a registry. That’s a whole separate question (what is okay to ask for on a wedding registry) from the one that was asked (is it okay to ask for cash?). I mean sure, if all they could possibly use from Target were shoes, they’d probably want to register somewhere else. But if they registered for shoes along with camping gear and shit, it wouldn’t be a big deal.
No, as others have noted, that is NOT “the correct way” to deal with the gift-giving dilemma, at least if you are using “correct” to mean “recognized as correct by mainstream etiquette”.
The (potential) gift recipient(s) are absolutely barred by correct mainstream etiquette from being the ones to initiate ANY discussion of gifts or the lack of gifts.
That’s a good response to a determined interrogator who is being very definite about intending to give you a gift and wanting to know your preferences. (As Lord Feldon notes, though, determinedly interrogating the bridal couple about gift choices is itself a bit on the far side of polite.)
But starting it out with the announcement “We’re getting married” suggests that you think of this wording as suitable for an unsolicited statement from the bride and groom to guests. No.
It cannot be repeated too often: The (potential) gift recipient(s) are absolutely barred by correct mainstream etiquette from being the ones to initiate ANY discussion of gifts or the lack of gifts.
Not quite that bad. Anybody close to the bridal couple is allowed to ask them enthusiastically where they are registered, and the bridal couple are allowed to answer truthfully (although preserving an air of slightly embarrassed reluctance is nice).
Likewise, anybody who knows anybody close to the bridal couple is allowed to ask that person enthusiastically where the couple are registered, and that person is allowed to answer truthfully, and is even allowed to go asking around for the information if they don’t know it.
A swirl of relations and friends all bubbling over with eagerness to know what would be the best thing to get dear Anna and John, because we’re all so excited and happy for them, is charming. Anna and John having their own private shopping spree, and then trying to figure out the most effective way to get their relations and friends to fund it, is not.
And deservedly so. It’s a simple fact of human nature that people find it more charming and attractive when you appear to be thinking of them than when you’re obviously thinking just about yourself. From the hosts’ point of view, “how weddings work” should be simply “we celebrate our union by offering hospitality to people we care about”, not “we spend money to feed people and they pay us back with presents”.
Yeah, it may be unrealistic to imagine that the average bridal couple are genuinely more excited about throwing a lovely party to give pleasure to the friends and family whose presence means so much to them on this once-in-a-lifetime day than about the prospect of all the loot they’re going to get out of it. But it would be much nicer if they were.
Etiquette is unapologetic about expecting behavior that reflects the standards of idealized and thoughtful niceness rather than cynical selfish realism. That’s because it’s niceness rather than selfishness that inspires pleasant feelings in others.
It’s hilarious - people keep saying to me, very concerned, “You need to tell them you’ll take cash!” Like, what, there are people getting married who are all “No, take your filthy fucking money and buy me a vase!” Of COURSE we’ll take cash. Legal tender for all debts public and private, right?
The pain in the ass is that you really, really can’t say “no gifts” or “charity only”. It does seem to be pretty acceptable to mention registries on your wedding website these days - I’ve thought about it and decided that isn’t really rude, so we have a registry page that lists our favorite charities first.
Up front disclaimer: I did not have a registry at my wedding, nor did I ask anyone for cash. Further, I realize the OP specifically asked about “classy,” so…
The whole dance that people do about this stuff when they get married so as to be seen honoring proper etiquette, is, to me, ridiculous. I understand this may get me tagged a heathen and there’ll probably be tons of backlash, but, as someone who’d like to celebrate a couple’s union with some sort of token of my affection that they actually need, I’d appreciate the hell out of directness instead of some covert mission to figure out what’s going on through relatives or friends.
So, for all the folks out there about to get married, you have at least one data point saying I prefer registries and even requests for cash so I can give you something you’ll use. Plus, it gives me the freedom to decide if that’s what I really want to do after all. Because ultimately, despite knowing these things, I still don’t feel obligated. You buy / do what you can afford anyway, a head’s up about it is just a side benefit.
Also to Zjestika; that was absolutely freakin’ adorable. If I was one of your loved ones, I would’ve cherished that entire situation and thought it the most rewarding gift giving occasion I’d ever encountered. Too cute.
:dons fire retardant suit from Miss Manners crowd:
If you don’t know any closer relatives or closer friends who might be involved in the wedding, I think directly asking the couple about gifts is not that bad.
If you don’t know the couple well enough–why bother?
I don’t think this is a particularly controversial stance. I somewhat agree with it. However, if you explicitly want cash as a gift, there’s really no good way of stating that without sounding tacky to the majority of your guests. Gifts are always optional, and cash (at least in my neck of the woods) is always an acceptable gift.
Well, yes, if the couple in question were young, in school or just starting out in their careers with years of student debts ahead of them, and just setting up a household, then by all means, find out what they actually need, because they will actually need a bunch of things, like toasters and blenders, and having a registry will help keep things reasonably straight.
But that isn’t what is happening here. The couple wants to go on a me-me-me-me shopping spree and make sure that the colors are perfect. Or whatever.
My nephew is 12, and when I visited him last year, his first question was “So what are you getting me for my birthday?” My embarrassed sister told him it’s not polite to stick your hands out.
I donno. Maybe I’m getting too old, but I’m starting to appreciate people’s efforts more than cash. I look back with fond memories of the Christmas the year I took up golf, and everyone gave me golf related stuff. Since they don’t play, most of the stuff was things I didn’t actually use, and hence would never have bought if they had given me cash, but I appreciate it much more than if everyone had just given me checks and I had bought a putter myself.
Of course, I realize that not everyone is like that, and I used to not be like that either.
Still, it doesn’t change the answer that there is no classy way to ask for cash, even if you are 12.
