Yeah I think I’m reasonably familiar with modern US etiquette and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking the couple what they would like as a wedding gift. What rubs some people the wrong way is the couple (a) telling friends before they ask, and (b) asking for money. When someone ask what would you like/where are you registered, there is a nontrivial chance they’re asking because they want some ideas besides cash. It would be like going to a dinner party, asking “What can I bring?” and being told $20 would be great, thx.
There’s nothing wrong with asking the couple themselves. And if you don’t know at least one of the people getting married well enough to call or email and say “Hey, I want to get you something for your wedding, gimme some suggestions,” I humbly submit that you have zero business being invited to said wedding or accepting any such invitation.
Nowhere in any etiquette I have ever been exposed to has it ever said that responding to a direct question about what you would like with a direct answer is inappropriate. This notion that finding out what someone wants has to be this big Secret Squirrel maze of obfuscation is one of those bovine bodily functions a lady discreetly doesn’t see or hear happen. The issue with registry information in an invitation isn’t that you’re supposed to feign ignorance of the whole gift issue–the issue is that putting that information out there unrequested smacks of, as TokoyoPlayer so aptly put it, standing there with your hand out. Possibly clearing your throat a little in case someone didn’t notice the hand. That’s what’s frowned on, not acknowledging that people are liable to give you presents when you get married.
I even find it tacky to give cash as a gift, but I guess I am old-fashioned. But I was invited to an orthodox Jewish wedding last summer (the separation of men and women was revolting), but I liked him a lot. He is divorced with a 12 yo daughter and I don’t think the bride was much younger. So no toasters, blenders, etc. Finally, I gave a cash gift, with some apology for having so little imagination. The amount was $324 and you might amuse yourselves figuring out the significance.
Reminds me of a story from long ago.
It was December, and the paperboy was collecting the subscription money for the month. He went to a neighbor’s house, and when the man of the house gave the kid a ten-dollar bill, the kid held onto the money and said, “So…what are you gonna give me for Christmas?”
Mister Neighbor scowled at the brat and raised his voice. “I’m gonna give you HELL if you don’t give me my change back!”
Twelve-year-old kids have always been little shits.
~VOW
chai[sup]2[/sup]
Which is cute when they’re twelve. Less so when they’re in their 40s.
HIPPO - my step-sister set up a gift registry with experiences for her honeymoon, I bought her a “so hot night out in SOHO” for $200 or so.
I thought it was brilliant, the registry had lots of cheaper options or you could contribute an amount of your choice towards flights.
The gifts she received somewhat informed her honymoon and I got to pay for an experience for her - I thought it was a great idea!
Another friend just had some rhyming thing which basically said, all we want is your good wishes and prescence at the wedding but if you want to give us a gift a wishing well will be available.
I think that’s fine too.
When we got married, he was in the US and I was in Australia, and he was going to move here. So gifts would have been awkward.
My now-FIL discreetly contacted folks and explained the situation and we were given almost entirely cash gifts. In the thank you letters, we explained what we’d be using the money for - paying immigration application fees, moving expenses and the like so, in giving us cash, they really were giving us the gift of a life together.
We didn’t ask FIL to do that, but everyone saw the logic of it. I think that’s the most graceful way to go about it - the family connections and communication.
Have the registry at PayPal?
Completely tacky. I know a couple in their forties who did this. They dashed off to Hawaii for a wedding (after the guy dumped his girlfriend of three years to run off with this woman); and then sent out FB invites for a weekend party at a destination a couple hundred miles south to celebrate their union after the fact.
They specifically asked for cash because the wedding and honeymoon were “expensive”.
No one replied they were coming and they cancelled the party.
People were talking and they all thought it was beyond tacky and classless, not even taking into consideration what the groom did before the wedding.