Well, I had a little epiphany last week that was really helpful to me.
I’ve been the poster child for ennui where my thesis research is concerned for a long, long time. Many’s the day that I’ve come into work, and between surfing the web, reading the 'Dope, and other various distractions, I’ve gotten nothing done on my thesis. Nothing. Not. A. Thing. Lest you think it’s an internet-related thing, I have tried unplugging my ethernet connection. I just get absorbed doing something else, like solving stupid math or geometry puzzles, or practicing my handwriting, or doodling, or staring off into space, or writing really uninteresting, unfinished short stories, or (Og help me) staring, mesmerized, at my screensaver.
It’s really shameful. I regarded day when I spent a half hour actually doing work as a stunning victory.
So, why was I behaving this way? I had considered many reasons. I’m lazy. I’m stupid. I’m burned out. My attention span is too short. Maybe I have ADD.
I have no problem motiviating myself for teaching. Or doing weird little side projects. Or pursuing hobbies. Well, it’s not hard to make yourself do something when there are real, immediate penalties when it’s not done. If I don’t have a lecture ready for class, there’s hell to pay. If I don’t have exams graded in a timely manner, students will lynch me. And if I’m finding something amusing, well, of course I have no problem focusing. My thesis research is boring and not fun. I’ve long since grown immune to my advisor’s disapproval, so the only penalty for not working on my thesis is . . . not getting my thesis done, which is so nebulous and distant that it has no power over me.
I convinced myself that it was out of my control. I’m lazy. This is how I am. This is my personality. I can’t change it. I’m stupid. I’m not cut out for this line of work. It’s too hard. It’s not my fault that I’m not smart enough. I can’t change my IQ. I can’t concentrate. How can I get work done when I can’t concentrate on it? It’s not my fault, and there’s nothing I can do.
Well, last week, I suddenly realized: I am in control of my life. For some reason I have given up that control, given up my personal responsibility for my work, but I have the power to take it back.
I don’t have to sit here, mindlessly following one link after another, or cycling through SDMB fora, waiting for something to spontaneously arise and attract my attention. I am in control. I can stop, and do something productive. If I’m working, and I begin to drift off, I can stop myself and go back to my task. I am in control.
When the alarm goes off in the morning, I’m not so sleepy that I have to roll back over. I am in control. I can make myself get up even if it would be more pleasant to stay in bed. If I don’t feel like going out to run, I can do it anyway, because I’m in control.
I can make myself do things that I’m not wildly enthusiastic about, and each time I do so, I’m reasserting control over my life. I do not have to be threatened in order to make me do something, because I’m in control of myself. I can choose to do work, for myself, for my own reasons, and I can choose to keep myself on track.
So, that’s my little mantra lately: I am in control of my life. I still have bad, unproductive days, but I think things are getting better. This is probably one of those obvious things that I was mentally blocking for my own weird, psychological reasons, and which I have come to understand because I happened to experience the right combination of feelings, stimuli, etc., so maybe it’s useless to anyone else, but I thought I would share.
On a practical, gimicky side: I like timers. I find it really hard to get started on work sometimes, but if I say, “I’m going to commit to working 15 minutes,” or 10 minutes, or 5 minutes on a really bad day, that’s unintimidating enough that I can make myself do it. Often times when the timer goes off, I’ve gotten into the groove and I can just keep going. Timers are good for goofing off, too. I tell myself that I’m going to surf the Dope for 15 minutes, and set the timer. Usually after 8 minutes, I’m bored, and thinking, “Meh. I’ve read all the interesting threads. Might as well go back to work.”