I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy.
So, so messy.
If you are the kind of woman who will ignore stall after empty stall to plop your butt down next to someone who is trying to have a peaceful pee in solitude, then I have the right to assume you are also the kind of woman who has labia that rival Alfred Hitchcock’s cheeks.
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Like the computer room thing. If the entire bus/subway car is empty, please do not choose the seat next to me. Particularly if I’m alone and it’s late at night.
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Men: Women, particularly those who are alone, do not want to be approached in an amorous way by a strange man after dark, unless they are at a social function of some kind. If it’s waiting for the bus, or walking home, or on the subway, or something where things aren’t so well-lit and she’s probably nervous already, TRUST ME: she’s not interested right now. Go away.
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Mean people. People who think mean and act mean and really enjoy it and want everyone to know they enjoy it. Ugh. That’s horrible.
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People who, no matter what it is you’re talking about, manage to twist the topic to them and how important they are.
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Name dropping. Particularly when your familiarity with the name you’re dropping is entirely wishful thinking and fabrication.
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Anne Geddes pictures. Babies dressed as fruit are creepy.
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Clowns.
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The girls in those “Qwest” personal ads here in Canada. Could they not find any girls who can speak into a phone and “look sexy” without being really awkward and stilted?
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People who, when you get the restaurant bill for the whole group, cheap out and don’t put in enough money to cover the tax and the tip on their items, so you end up paying $48 extra because they SWEAR they put in enough.
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Planning a wedding. I wish I could elope.
Why the happy fuck does beer made in Belgium have to cost so much goddamned money? I know it’s great beer, but c’mon, the shit from Amsterdam and Germany isn’t nearly as expensive. What the fuck are you putting in there, gold? Quit being so desirable Duvel.
Trident – for changing the recipe, replacing my favourite flavour of gum, light blue (freshmint?), with a “less intense” version.
It’s awful, and I hate it. Less intense light blue Trident tastes slightly different (less “mint”, more “fresh”?), and the less intense stylings are not what I’m looking for in a gum. Old light blue trident used to freshen my breath quickly and pleasantly (and was sugar free but not disgustingly aspartame-ariffic), and most importantly, it used to make me salivate enough to “clear” my ears during takeoff and landing when air travelling. The new light blue Trident does none of those things. I’ve complained to Trident; they don’t care.
one of my third year university art class profs – why, why did you throw out our art projects without telling us? And how could you, in the first place! It’s art! Some of it was even good art! 
I would have come to pick mine up – I lived right on campus! You had my phone number (because we all had to fill out little cards on the first day of class), class was not yet officially over (we still had our exam to do), and you didn’t even warn us that you were going to clear out the studio.
It was only there because you said we were free to use the storage space until the end of exams. I loved that sculpture… I put so much into it and was completely happy with how it turned out.
But it’s gone forever, because you couldn’t get off your lazy asses and call the students. Jerks.
Dead baby birds on the sidewalk. Especially the super cute little peeps who’ve just gotten their fluffy feathers in. They couldn’t fall when I could be there to catch them, could they? No, they were like, “I’m going to fall on the pavement and die with my wee yellow beak all open and sad looking and make you depressed when you see me!” Damn.
Why, yes, the fitting room is closed, because I am walking away from it as fast as I can because it is 11 PM!!! SHOP EARLIER!!! I have a life too, you know!
I could come up with a looooong list of these related to my job. I’ll spare you the rest.
Hubby and I once had the lovely experience of having a waitress seat another couple with us at the same table. We were surrounded by a sea of empty tables.
Mice! Now, I’m not afraid of mice-in fact, I think they’re pretty damned cute. But I do NOT like them in my house. The night before my grandmother’s funeral, one was running around downstairs, and we found it dead the next morning. The other day, my mother found Misty with a dead one in her room.
Now, just a little while ago, Maggie came racing into my room with one swinging from her mouth! She disappeared under the bed with it, and apparently, it must have been still alive, because we can’t find it.
Dammit!!! I’ll never get to sleep now. I do NOT want mice crawling around my room. Ew.
I hate popcorn. I work concessions at a movie theater. I come home smelling like butter. Last week, an unpopped kernel of popcorn covered in hot oil shot out of the popper and down my shirt, where it ended up stuck to my right breast. By the time I removed it, I had a blistered burn the size of my thumbnail, which is probably going to leave a lovely scar. I hate popcorn.
I had a dead baby bird stuck to the roof of my car a couple of weeks ago. It was still naked with only a few small feathers starting, and one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen or had to deal with, and I ain’t the squeamish kind. I tried driving to work to get it to blow off so I wouldn’t have to touch it (I could just see the police officer stopping me to give me that ticket - “But, officer, I’m trying to get a dead baby bird to blow off my car!” “I don’t see any dead baby bird, maam.” “Oh, I guess it worked then. Heh. Hey, you can put the breathalyzer down…”) but it didn’t work, so I had to pry the stuck on, rubbery thing off my car. Blecch.
Can they take off and fly, too? 'Cause, like, I’d love to see a whole flock of little flying vulvas migrating south for the winter, like that old flying toasters screensaver, or even just one, and keep it as a pet, and teach it to perch on my hand, and say things like, “Hello, I’m a little flying vulva! Vulva want a cracker!”
But, I love you. Wanna see my pet vulva?
Oh, God, it is late.
Even later for me. I just realized now that it said vulva and not uvula.
Oh shit! The thing was running on top of my BED!!! Then I was going to trap it with my wastebasket, and it disappeared again! AAAAHHH!!!
Cute little thing, but I do NOT want it in my room! Or my house!
Thanks a lot, Maggie!
Stupid, stupid Metro* bus scheduling! I missed out on a long term temp job with training and decent pay that started at 6 in the morning. I would have had to take two buses to get to it, which I was cool with, but Bus A is scheduled to arrive just one minute after Bus B is to leave! They are the first buses of the morning so I can’t catch anything earlier. As it is, Bus B would have gotten me to my destination with maybe two minutes to spare. Sure, I could have taken the risk that Bus A might actually arrive before Bus B left but there’s too narrow a margin for me to count on it happening consistantly. Dang it! Dang it to heck!
People who use shopping carts to bring their groceries home and then dump said carts by the side of the road. I can’t go more than a few blocks from my house without seeing one or two or even three on any given day. Why the heck can’t these people bring those carts back? I know, it’s laziness. Darn those stupid lazy people!
*Actually, I like Metro. They’ve served me well, lo, these many years.
I’ve never heard of this. You can’t really do that, can you? I think those are homeless people, not grocery store shoppers.
Nope. Homeless people do use them but they’re generally in the neighborhoods around downtown and their carts are usually packed full of whatever they feel is important to them. They tend not to leave their carts unattended for fear someone will steal them. I used to live downtown and am used to seeing them around.
Now I live in a suburb. The carts I see here are abandoned and empty. Sometimes they sit by the side of the road for days. I’m sure some of them are taken by bored teenagers looking for something to do but I believe most are taken by shoppers who don’t feel like lugging their groceries home.
Besides, all the stores around here have signs in their windows stating that it’s illegal to remove carts from their property. That’s a pretty good indication they know some of their customers do just that. I’ve heard that some stores in other areas of the country that this practice is so prevailant that stores have installed devices on their carts that will lock up the wheels if someone tries to take them off the premises. I’ve also heard these are pretty expensive. Our neighborhood is very blue collar so the stores around here probably can’t afford that. I wish they could though.
In the last paragraph it should read, “…I’ve heard that in other areas of the country this practice is so prevailant that stores have installed devices on their carts that will lock up the wheels if someone tries to take them off the premises.”
I need to work up another mini-rant about thoroughly reading what one writes before pressing the Submit button.