This one is better when told in person, just because you get to do the accent.
A Texan is visiting Harvard and he can’t really find his way around, so he stops one of the students.
“Ah, pardon me, can y’all tell me where the library is at?”
“Actually, here at Harvard we’re taught never to end a sentence with a preposition.”
“Oh, excuse me there. Can y’all tell me where the library is at, ASSHOLE?”
What’s better than winning the wheelchair olympics?
Being able to walk.
A man is riding in an elevator. It stops, and a beautiful woman gets on. As they continue upward, they eye each other suggestively, until suddenly the woman hits the emergency stop button. She rips off all her clothes, throws them on the floor, and says, “Make me feel like a woman.” So the man rips off all his clothes, throws them on the floor, and says, “Pick those up.”
Two Frenchmen are lost in the Sahara desert. After several days without water, they are nearly dead from thirst. The first man turns to the second, and says, “So what do we do now, Pierre?” (Read it out loud.)
I have no idea if this is true or not (I’m thinking not), but I got a chuckle out of it . . .
Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied
himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he
was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested
himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted
through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after
the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him,
bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick’s
curiosity was aroused.
“You,” he called. “You there.”
The prisoner looked up. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
“Why are you here?”
“Armed robbery, Your Majesty.”
“And are you guilty?”
“Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my
punishment.”
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and
said, “Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not
have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the
splendid innocent people who occupy it.”
what do you call cheese that’s not your own?
Na-cho (Not yo) Chese!!!
She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
Then it was on’er, off’er all night…
Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s just that my relationship with the guy who told me that joke is so highly eroticized that any other reference to sex in superfluous. But I still prefer the non-sexual panda joke.
I can’t belive somebody got to the string joke before me.
Well then here is the Descartes joke:
So Descartes is on an airplane. And the Stewardess asks him if he would like coffee with his meal. And Descartes says “I think not.” And disappeares.
Ok since I’m already here,
This scientist is doing experiment in prolonging life. And he’s been working with dolphines, with great sucess. He has managed to completely halt the aging process in these animals. He’s on the verge of a breakthrough that will change the world but he’s run out of the seagulls that he’s been feeding the dolphins. So he goes out for more. But when he gets back, there’s a lion sleeping on his doorstep, with “Property of Utah” written in it’s side. Well, he has to get the food to the dolphins, so he steps over the lion and delivers the birds.
Immediatly, he is arrested by the Feds.
The charge? Transporting gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.
What the hell, if SPOOFE can be so very un-P.C. so can I :
Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics ?
Not being retarded.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. Hops up on to barstool. the bartender turns around and sees him and begins to laugh. “You know, we got a drink named after you”, the bartender says. The grasshopper looks up at him curiously and replies “you have a drink named Steve ?”
A Salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A little boy answers with a Cigar in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
“Hi!” says the salesman. “Is your mother home?”
the boy takes a swig from the beer and taps ash from the cigar onto the carpet and says
“Does it look like she’s at home, Numbnuts?”
I’ve read it out loud 10 times now, but I don’t get it. Enlighten a furrener, will ya?
I was a bit mystified myself.
The best I could come up with was "What do we do now, pee air? Ba-dum-bum.
Shaky Jake
Sheesh. It better be not THAT bad
Why was the Million Man March so successful?
Only 3 people had to take off work.
How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope
What’s the definition of confusion?
Fathers Day in Harlem
Why are black people’s eyes red after sex?
Because of the mace
Whats black and white and red all over?
Interracial couple in a car accident
How do you get little black kids to stop jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling
How do you starve a black family?
Hide the food stamps under the work boots
OK. I suppose you think that stuff is acutally funny, KM2? Idiot.
Hmmmm…
This guy seems familiar. I think I smell a returning troll.
I guess you’re right, Trion. Just look at the sort of threads this guy posts in. I’m afraid to even read them all.
[sup](If that link works, I’m the Official vB-King of the Week)[/sup]
Oh well. Click profile for KM2, click “All posts by…”. You know the drill
(eyes rolling) So, let me get this straight. It’s okay to make jokes that demean women, make fun of the handicapped, ridicule homosexuality, but heaven forbid I tell jokes with a racial slant.
That clears that up.
That said… (hee hee)
Did you hear of the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check
How has Jesse Jackson lost the black vote?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected
There is a 2 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor.
A white family lives on the top floor.
A black family lives in the basement.
At 2:00 PM a terrrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it. Which family lived?
The White family because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.
I’ve got a few of them here, so:
Q. What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
A. The front row at a Backstreet Boys concert.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t
care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager,
“and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past.
I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveller assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
When asked about how he slept, he replied, “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful.’
With that he sat up all night watching me.”
And what color did you want this room? Asks a building contractor, discussing paint schemes with a couple.
He asked which color they had picked for their kitchen.
The lady responded with vanilla white.
“No problem,” the contractor replied as he opened the window and screamed out, “GREEN SIDE UP.”
The couple didn’t think much of it and proceeded to the living room.
The contractor then asked which color they had decided on for the living room and they replied with hazelnut beige.
At that point, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP.”
The couple worried at this point but not saying anything followed the contractor into the master bedroom. The contractor asked what color they wanted the bedroom painted and they indicated pure white was their favorite.
Once again, the contractor opened the window and blasted, “GREEN SIDE UP.”
That’s when the lady spoke, “Sir, we’ve been in three rooms, each a different color, but you scream “green side up” after we tell you a color for the room, what’s up?”
“I’m sorry,” the contractor said, "I should have told you before we started, I’ve got a couple of blondes laying sod outside.
That’s all for now, folks!! 
Hey, it worked just fine for me, so you must be this week’s vB King!!