Looks like we have a Klanstroll…
As for the OP: What has 109 legs and 19 teeth?
The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
My favorite blonde joke:
A bunch of college kids were sitting around talking about high school adventures.
One guy asks the blonde next to him “hey, when you were in high school, did you ever get picked up by ‘the fuzz’?”
The blonde thought for a bit, and said “No…but I did get yanked around by the tits once”.
Shaky Jake
Hell, since you two did it, so can I.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting them back in the wheelchair.
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.” Her friend asks “What is it a puzzle of?” The blonde says “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”
“Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
I keep a lot of this kind of stuff in the humour section of my web page.
Pete
Long time RGMWer and ardent AOLer
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. Yes, it is quite sad, I know. It almost didn’t happen. They were in court when the judge said to Mickey, “I’m sorry, I can’t let you get a divorce just because you say your wife is crazy.”
To which Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was crazy, Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy!”
I’m afraid so, Coldie. That was it.
Hey, I never claimed it was good.
You’re excused, Smeghead. Now come up with a decent one, will ya??
either that or come up with an explantion for the nuns and the soap joke which I STILL don’t get.
I get that one. And I’m a furrener
Where’s the soap?
sounds like
Wears the soap!
So, in answering the question, Nun #2 is basically saying “Yes it does!” => she is acknowledging the fact that masturbating with the soap is common, whereas Nun #1 was merely asking where the soap was.
I hope I explained it properly.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models.”
The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do”.
“Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”
These jokes are all great, here’s one of mine.
It is not really very PC so if you are easily offended then go down to the next joke.
An Englishman, an Irishman and an American were sitting the roof of a block of flats just having a few beers, chilling out etc… After a while the American turns to the Irishman and says “Hey, I bet you a million dollars that you can’t jump off this building, hit the ground and bounce back up again”.
The Irishman looks at him as though he’s crazy and tells him in no uncertain terms where to shove his bet and to stop taking him for a fool. The American says “Hey buddy I didn’t mean any offense, tell you what, if I do it first will you at least consider it?”
The Irishman looks at him incredulously and tells him to go ahead so the American takes a few deep breaths, takes a run up and jumps off the building. He falls, he touches the ground and then to the Irishman’s astonishment the American bounces back up again.
“Now you try it” the American says “I bet you a million dollars you’ll pussy out”
The Irishman shoots him a mean glance and steadies himself, for the jump, he takes some deep breaths, takes a run up and jumps all the way
D
O
O
O
O
W
N
until…
SPLAT.
The American looks over the edge of the building and starts pointing and laughing hysterically and it’s at this point that the Englishman, turns to the Americna and says.
“You know, you can be a real bastard sometimes Superman”
In a village in Africa, there lived a white priest.
He tought the villagers that fornication, adultery, etc. was immoral and you could go to hell for it.
One day an african woman gave birth to a white baby. The villagers stunned turned to the chief for answers. The chief went to the priest and asked what it was all about.
The priest looked out into the pastor of sheep and said, “Its an act of God.”
“You see those sheep out there?” “Do you see how one is black and the others are white?” “Its just an act of God providing variety.”
The chief looked at the priest and said “I won’t queston you about the white baby anymore, if you don’t say anything about that black sheep.”
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman.
Okay, a plane crashes in the deepest region of the Brazilian rain forest. There are three survivors of the crash, all Americans, and they are found in the jungle by a lost, xenophobic tribe. The cheiftan (who, amazingly, speaks english) gives the three westerners an ultimatum.
“You may either be inducted into our tribe by undergoing our sacred ritual of Oomba, or you may be put to death. Those are your choices.” the cheiftan says. When the westerners ask what Oomba is, he points to a hut in the tribal village, outside of which is standing an enormous naked tribesman with a penis as long and thick as a fire hose. “You must enter the hut with him, and he will “penetrate” you in your rear end!”
The first westerner happened to be a gay man. The prospect of Oomba did not frighten him at all and he immediately agreed to be inducted into the tribe. “You have made your choice,” the cheiftan decreed “oomba for you.” and he was led away.
The second westerner was straight and didn’t relish the prospect of getting it up the rear…but the idea of being put to death was even worse, and he choose to be inducted. “You have made your choice,” the cheiftan decreed “oomba for you.” and he was led away.
The final westerner was a die-hard Bible Belt, Flag waving republican conservative, America-right-or-wrong type. To him, nothing…not even death…could be worse than being sodomized! He asked to be put to death. “You have made your choice,” the cheiftan decreed “Death by Oomba!”
There are always the “What do you call the person with no arms and no legs who…” jokes:
Is swimming? Bob.
Is sitting on a grill (or in a pasture)? Patty.
Is waterskiing? Skip.
Dang. I used to know hundreds of those. We should have started this thread back when I was in Junior High…
An Irishman is looking for work in London. He runs into a mate, who tells him that there is a job available at his building site.
“Watch out in the interview though, the foreman is a bigot. He’ll ask you tough questions because you are Irish.”
The man goes for an interview. Sure enough, the foreman gives him a most unfriendly look, then asks him:
“What’s the difference between a girder and a joist?”
The Irisman thinks for a while, then replies:
“Goethe wrote Faust, Joyce wrote Ulysses.”
picmr
LOL! They do get offended. But only if they’re jokes about black people. To wit:
A black civil-rights worker disappeared from a deep Southern town after bringing about registration of large numbers of blacks. When he failed to show up, it was decided he had been killed and a search was begun. Some days later the searchers located his body at the bottom of a river. Upon retrieving his body they noticed that he was tied and bound with chains and locks. “Look at that,” said the Sheriff. “He tried to swim across the river with all them chains he stole from the hardware store.”
Before his daring escape from prison, a black militant had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the country, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day the bureau received a teletype reply from a small Southern town:
PICTURES RECEIVED… ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD…WHILE RESISTING ARREST
Hanging on a wall?..Art
In front of a door?..Matt
In the bushes…Russell
In a hole?..Phil
Veering off slightly…
One day a man was walking down a beach, and came upon a woman with no arms and no legs. As he got close to her, he noticed she was crying. The sight tugged at his heartstrings, so he went up to her and asked " Woman with no arms and no legs, why are you crying?". She said “I’ve got no arms and no legs, and I’ve never been hugged.” Filled with empathy, he bent over and hugged her, said “there, now you’ve been hugged”, and went on his way.
The next day, walking on the beach, he saw her again, and again she was crying. He went up to her and said " Woman with no arms and no legs, why are you crying?". She said “I’ve got no arms and no legs, and I’ve never been kissed.” Again filled with empathy, he bent over and kissed her, said “there, now you’ve been kissed”, and went on his way.
One day later, walking on the beach, he saw her again, and again she was crying. He went up to her and said " Woman with no arms and no legs, why are you crying?". She said “I’ve got no arms and no legs, and I’ve never been fucked.” The man hesitated, sighed, picked her up. He threw her in the water and said, “well, now you’re fucked”
Finally, what’s Irish and stays out all summer?..Patio Furniture
Shaky Jake
No KM2, people don’t get offended about jokes about black people. They get offended when most of your posts seem to suggest that you are, well, fighting ignorance from deep behind enemy lines.
The last jokes you posted were pretty good, and from most other posters would not turn a head. Your previous post came across as fairly odious, and a fair swag of your entire output is as ugly as a hatful of arseholes. A lot of people have made up their minds about you, that’s all.
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What do you call couples that practice the rhythm method? Parents.
picmr
These are kinda dirty, but they are the only ones I know
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem,” she complained, "is that it wakes me up.
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed
losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same
college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They
agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls,
letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s cock and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was
heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please
send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie’s mom popped in on them. “You’re
gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home” she said Susie replied, “Johnny’s been doing that all
afternoon.”