Are my feelings toward my mother justified?

I am the oldest of two kids. My mom isn’t married and doesn’t work. She quit her job a year or so ago and has been living on an inheritance. I’m 23 and I’m a single mom and college student. My brother is 19 and is a drug addict (he does heroin, meth, xanax, pot, and who knows what else). He dropped out of high school and I don’t think he’s ever done so much as fill out a job application, let alone work a day in his life. He still lives with my mom and she supports him, and his drug addiction, 100%.

I’ve been going through a rough time lately… my ex/daughter’s dad, who I remained close friends with for several years although we haven’t been together, went psycho on me recently and I was just granted a permanent restraining order, and he was charged with domestic violence. My family is very small and has a LOT of issues, and the only people I have truly considered my family is my mom and brother. My brother has been getting progressively worse. He’s been in and out of rehab, and is now facing jail time unless he goes back into detox, but he refuses to go. He is so messed up all the time that I can’t even talk to him anymore… because he isn’t the same person at all (I used to consider him my best friend). Every day that I talk to my mom, she’s giving my brother her car keys and debit card to go get drugs (and he’s already had two DUIs), and she swears every time that it’ll be the last day…and then she says it again the next day, and so on. I found out recently that she was actually smoking the heroin with my brother, but she tells me that she’s kicked it on her own (and she doesn’t seem to be high or anything, she just drinks). I had been relying on her to watch my 1 1/2 year old daughter while I go to my classes in the evenings, and after hearing about the craziness that goes on there while I’m gone, I’ve realized I can’t take my daughter there anymore…as it’s incredibly toxic. This means I have to drop my classes this semester, because I have no other options for childcare. I can only get assistance with daycare for hours that I’m working, and no other family or anyone is willing/able to help, and all the daycares I’ve contacted me would charge me the same amount I pay in rent each month, which I can’t afford. So I guess I’m going back to work at some low-paying job full-time, putting my daughter in daycare, and hopefully I’ll be able to go back to school at some point, although I don’t know when that’ll be.

Because of all the circumstances, I’ve been feeling especially depressed and pretty lonely. Two of my close friends just moved out of state, and two have ridiculously crammed schedules and I rarely get to see or talk to them. One friend simply has started avoiding talking to me (or so it seems) which I assume is because how awkward our last conversations have gone. When I told her what was going on, she didn’t seem to have anything to say. I hate sounding so negative when I talk to people, but I guess that’s just become my reality lately.

Sometimes when I really feel like I need to talk to someone or have some company, I call my mom to see if she’d like to get together or have breakfast or something, but she’s always so wrapped up in my brother’s chaos (she has to go find him after he’s gone MIA with her car, or she’s breaking up a fight between him and his friend, or she’s trying to get one of his homeless tweaker friends to stop living in their basement, etc.)

I’m very hurt, but I’m starting to feel myself becoming angry at my mom. She can be so supportive (i.e. she paid for my lawyer when I had to go to trial for the domestic violence stuff) but I need her support so badly right now, but all of her energy goes to my brother. I just feel like I’m trying so hard to do the right things in my life… for the sake of my little girl. And my brother is just pissing away all these opportunities that he’s being handed. It doesn’t feel fair at all, and I don’t know how to handle the situation. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off cutting ties with them completely…but then I’d really have no one at all :frowning:

Sorry for rambling.

Yes. They always are.

Wait, are you saying that it crossed the line for your daughter once you found out your mom was doing heroin but you were fine with sending her there when it was just your brother doing the heroin/xanax/meth/pot/etc?

Your brother is an addict, and addicts are broken. If he’s abusing as many substances as you say and is already in trouble with the law, his chances of surviving his addiction are fairly low. It really doesn’t help that your mother is enabling him. There’s nothing about this situation that is fair - not for you, for him, or for your mom.

You’re right in saying your mom’s home is not a safe place for your daughter. It’s time to look elsewhere as well as expand your definition of family. There are a lot of good people out there who are willing to help if you just give them the chance. If you don’t belong to a house of worship (church, temple, mosque, whatever), consider joining one. If you’re not religious, take a look at a Unitarian Universalist fellowship. Even if you don’t want to join, call the office and ask if they can provide any assistance through the minister’s discretionary fund. It’s specifically intended to help out people in tight spots.

Ask your classmates. Some of them must have children and have made arrangements. Maybe one of them can watch your daughter for a reduced price.

Go to your school’s counseling office and ask for their help. They will know of programs that you may be eligible for. They may be able to point you to other resources. Heck, they might even have a child care program.

Do. Not. Give up.

Ever.

You deserve a better life, and that’s what you’re fighting for right now. Your mother and brother are out of the fight, gone, and the reason doesn’t matter. Find new allies.

There’s a reason why many drug rehabs have programs for the family. Your mom is just as sick as your brother in his addiction, just in a different way. Many people on this board will tell you to cut your mother out of your life, yeah fuck that bitch, etc., but that’s not necessarily the answer for you at this point. There obviously needs to be some distancing, and you should definitely not choose her for childcare, and maybe you shouldn’t even be around her or your brother right now. But that doesn’t mean that she can’t get better and change the way she’s living. Maybe you could write her a letter detailing how her choices are affecting you and your daughter and kindly let her know that you just can’t be involved with her while all of this is going on, and see what happens. As to your needs for school, I concur that you should check with your school and see what, if anything, is available to you before you just quit.

You’re 23… time to put the big girl panties on and take control of your life. Get a full time job and take one or two evening classes at a local community college. I understand child care is the biggest issue, so solve that problem first. There are lots of options… church daycare, a neighbor who runs a daycare out of her home, etc.

I’d say your feelings aren’t justified - they’re immature. You’re fairly young, but you’re also a parent, and it’s time for you to make an important transition in your life - you need to see your mother from the perspective of an adult, rather than as her child. She’s no longer solely your provider, supporter, defender, and advocate - she’s a person like you. One who, from your description, is having all sorts of serious issues - her own and your brother’s. You’re looking for support in your time of trouble, but who does she have to turn to?

Children see their parents as nigh on invincible, and so they often lack empathy for their problems - they’ve typically got more resources, more experience. It’s only as grown children work through the same life stages that they discover it’s not all cake and rainbows, even if they’ve got a bit of money, a nicer house, and so on. It’s time for you to start considering that. Deal with your situation the way adults do - accept things are going to be hard and you won’t go your way for a bit, and do what needs to be done. If there’s anything left in the tank, throw a little support your family’s way. That woman you see in the mirror - she’s the “together” one in the family, and they need her.

Would your mother be willing to watch your daughter at your place? Would that be acceptable to you?

I’m skeptical of anyone who says that they just quit doing heroin on their own. I wouldn’t leave my child in her care no matter where they were.

I know a lot of single moms and I wish that there was a “Kate and Allie” network. K&A was a sitcom that depicted 2 single mothers who shared a house and childcare. I think that that would be an ideal solution if you could manage to work alternating shifts.

Good luck to you.

Where do you live? In some states, it’s relatively easy to get your daycare costs covered by the state, even if you do not qualify for public assistance otherwise. In any case, you ought to apply for as much welfare and scholarships as you possibly can. You’d be surprised at what is available for single moms, and you really shouldn’t expect support from your family in the future.

Yeah, if you’re a low-income single parent, I would think you’d qualify for quite a bit more money in grants than the cost of tuition. That was the case for me. So in that case, quitting school wouldn’t put you in a better financial position.

And I agree that you should be able to find cheaper childcare through Craigslist or something. There are a ton of other moms wanting to make some extra money and they wouldn’t charge nearly as much as a daycare center. Maybe you could even trade childcare. Keep looking and good luck.

Its complicated with parents and always hard to be objective. But your instincts are right, the environment is too toxic for your daughter.

Being a single mom is HARD. Trying to take courses, and work, and juggle everything without support is incredibly difficult. I admire your strength and I think you are awesome to want something better for you and your daughter. PM me if you need to vent. I don’t live in the USA so I don’t know about programmes for reduced child care. Maybe you can barter something.

I also suggest Alanon family programmes. Get yourself to one no matter what. There you will find people who get what you are going through and maybe you can expand your circle of friends and support network. PM me if you need somewhere else to vent.

Yes, your feelings toward your mother, brother, and about your life are totally justified.

Time to set boundaries for you and your daughter and don’t cross them yourself or let others (mom/brother) cross them either.

Best of luck.

Many people, particularly those with disabilities need more help. I was also treated like a loser by people who do not understand autism or depression.

go to Walmart.

Survey just out, said that’s the #1 spot to find romance.

You and your child need a husband/ father figure. (or to be PC, another female)

Look up the lyrics to “Turn around, look at me” by the Vogues

There is someone walking behind you,
turn around, look at me.
There is someone watching your footsteps,
turn around, look at me
There is someone who really needs you,
here’s my heart in my hand.
Turn around, (turn around,) look at me,
(look at me,) understand,understand,
That there’s someone who’ll stand beside you.
Turn around, look at me.
And there’s someone who’ll love and guide you.
Turn around, look at me.
I’ve waited, but I’ll wait forever for you to come to me.
Look at someone (look at someone) who really loves you,
yeah, really loves you. Turn around, look at me.

Tip: single guys are most often in the frozen food section. Look for shopping carts with frost on the steel cages.

PS from the voice of experience, when that someone comes along, do not go back to the ex that you had restraining orders on.

It sounds like what you said: most of your mother’s energy is going to your brother. Try not to resent it as a personal affront. It doesn’t mean your mother chose your brother over you - it just means your brother’s life is more fucked up than yours is. I’m assuming you wouldn’t be willing to trade the difficulties of being a single parent for the difficulties of being a drug addict.

Yes, this is the answer. Don’t you go worrying your pretty little head about solving your life problems, little lady. What you need is a man (or a butch woman).

WTF??

Oh, and phantomlimb? You are completely justified in feeling the way you do. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I’m not in the US so can’t offer any practical advice, but hang in there.

Cheers
kam

No no no no no. This is the stupidest suggestion I’ve ever seen. This would only add more drama into phantom’s life right now which is the opposite of what she needs. Good lord! Not enough :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: in the world.