Hmm, maybe so. Maybe it’s one of those ‘the devil you know things’ - it seems scary to change because it’s unknown territory. Maybe it seems easier to just ‘go meet people’ rather than work on one’s own inner satisfaction.
Did you find it especially difficult? (Just out of curiosity).
Keep in mind that it’s an ongoing process, of course.
But no, not really. At first it was pretty time-consuming, and was my whole world for a while. There were some inner demons that I had to conquer, but my memories of that time are actually quite pleasant. It was mostly just forming new cognitive habits.
We moved half way across the country (USA) three years ago, away from all of our family and friends. So I was really lonely for quite a while. We’re finally making connections here if no close friends yet.
What helped me was realizing that a lot of people feel isolated and lonely. But many of us are afraid to take the first step to invite someone over for dinner or out for lunch or whatever. If you remember that they’re probably as lonely and as afraid as you are, it can help you to make that first step.
And for goodness’ sake if someone else makes the first step and invites you to something, follow up! I can’t tell you how many times we’d invite someone to do something, and we’d all have fun (or seem to), but the other person or couple never reciprocated. I don’t think we’re that annoying to hang out with. (And in the last few months we’ve started to get reciprocal invitations so I really don’t think it was us.) But if you’re lonely, do make the effort to follow up. Sometimes it takes time to click with a friend or another couple. At first there are awkward pauses over dinner where no one knows what to talk about. But as long as there’s a kernel of common interests, it’s worth building on. Because friends aren’t falling out of the sky, you’ve got to make the most of those that are around (without crossing the border into Clingy-ville).
I, too, recommend getting out and joining a group. A club, a church, a volunteer organization. Take a class at a community center.
I haven’t found all the answers yet, but at least we do feel like we have some friends here now.
I like bonding closely with one or two friends. I would love to have opportunities to just spend time becoming close to a friend. I’m not going to pretend that everyone else thinks the way I do, but if I had been spending some time having fun with someone in a friendly context, regardless of gender, I wouldn’t interpret an invitation to go for a walk, have dinner, go to a movie or museum, etc as necessarily having a romantic undertone. Maybe you should just invite someone to do something one on one.
That’s kind of a beautiful thought.
I started out not so okay in this regard, but I’ve gotten to the point where I do have that sense of trust that I can take care of myself and nurture myself through hard times. My biggest issue with being alone is that I think too much, and I haven’t quite trained myself to think constructive thoughts. I’m a ruminator, and ruminating brings me down. I’m much better off when I’m doing, and when I’m around people, I’m much more likely to be doing.
The point tdn brings to mind – about whether we actually HAVE to have people at all, is an interesting one. I’ve long known that I don’t need socialization as constantly as most people do–I get worn out fast and need to recharge my batteries.
It’s sort of funny because my Mom cannot stand being alone and so often chooses to be in terrible relationships instead. I’ve always told her she needs to learn how to be okay by herself, but I have to realize that I myself started dating my husband at 19, and prior to that I lived in a dorm–I’ve never had to walk that walk myself. I’ve never not lived with someone (though I’ve certainly felt soul-crushing loneliness in spite of it.)
It made me decide to stop taking for granted that being alone is something I can’t learn how to do. Maybe I can learn to be content with how things are.
Ah, that is the key to so much of being contented, isn’t it?
olives, I think I learned the most about nurturing myself from a group I used to attend, Adult Children of Alcoholics. It changed my life by changing my perspective. Part of it was a kind of CBT - visualizing the child in me and comforting her through bad times.
My sister is like your Mom - she will keep the most evil company just so she won’t be alone. She is terrified of being by herself, yet people irritate her to no end. She’s working on that.
Thanks.
I’m sure/know they exist. I hope I, and other singles here find it 
I’ve never been very sociable, but it gets harder the older I get. I get lonesome but other people annoy me more and more. Same tedious conversations, same old outings to the same old restaurants, I get itchy and jumpy and bored and can’t wait to go home after an hour or so. Then feel lonesome. I have a husband and daughter who are also loners and keep to themselves in their rooms, reading or listening to their music or napping or on their computers - we are all in separate rooms except for meals or just passing through. Weird, now that I think of it, but it’s been that way for a long time. My biggest fear is someday I’ll be a recluse cat lady and I’ll die and when they someone finds me months later I’ll have been eaten by cats.
As-u-wish, where do you go to knitting classes? A yarn shop, maybe? I’ve been toying with the idea of starting knitting for ages and have been trying to practice with a beginners book, but getting out of the house for real experience would be more helpful.
Yes, I’m lonely. What do I do?
I compulsively read the SDMB.
It only helps a little, but at least it provides a distraction for a while.
On the bright side, I’m still young, so maybe things will get better someday. Or maybe it just means I have another 50 or 60 years to go before the neighbors notice a funny smell and start wondering if the weird old guy is lying dead on his kitchen floor.
I think it’s a very large piece of the puzzle, yes. I think that another, related, part is to learn to nourish your own emotional needs. If you’re lonely, you’re emotionally malnourished on some level. I think that this is why some loners are very content and some very social people are often miserable. olives’ mom seems to be in that latter group. She’ll put up with people that she doesn’t like because she thinks she can get something from them that she can’t get from herself. She’s looking in the wrong places. (Your sister as well.)
Yes! Exactly.
Another perspective I read about was the “perfect lover” scenario. Imagine your ideal lover (or friend, or VIP guest), and having him or her over to your place for an evening. Would you keep your place a wreck? Would you feed him or her crap food? Would you sit around and complain and call each other losers? No? Then why would you treat yourself that way?
I hope so too!
But maybe “find” is not as good as “create.” And I think that a good start to that is emotional maturity. These people you know in abusive or hateful relationships – would you describe any of them as mature? How about the people you know who are in loving relationships?
Agreed, and the sad part is, she could learn to nourish herself. I call it Dorothy-and-the-Wizard-of-Oz syndrome; Dorthy could always have gone home, using the ruby red slippers, she just didn’t realize it. We can help ourselves in so many ways if we just would.
Exactly. This also ties into the discussion of relationships. You shouldn’t treat your SO like that, either.
You should treat your SO well; they should treat you well; so that you have a continuing flow of healing/helping/fortifying energy circulating within the relationship. The relationship should be where you turn to recharge your batteries; but you have to put energy in, in order to get energy out. Each one does his/her part; that way there is plenty of that ‘good fuzzy feeling’ to rely on when a random crisis hits.
Dorothy-and-the-Wizard-of-Oz syndrome? I like it!
As far as relationships in which the partners constantly tear each other down – I just don’t get it. It’s not even on my map. Why would people want to do that? Is that what they consider to be love?
Me not understand.
Ha, and I thought you left the straight line open on purpose.
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Would I like more? Absolutely. That said, I consider myself an introvert because nothing exhausts me more than a round of social “dos”. I like time alone–I’d just like a balance.
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As an introvert, it’s what I love about the SDMB. I get all the social interaction I need, without actually having to leave my house or cube.
Interestingly, and this may or my not work for you, I find social groups that are designed to “do” something together… dancing, for example, or groups that pick up litter at the beach … are much less socially exhausting than a party. When you are doing something, there’s no offense when you wander off to do what you’re doing. The most difficult social interaction for me is trying to maintain a conversation for more time than I have things to say.
I don’t get it either.
I think I’ve said this before, when your natal family has a really fucked-up communication style, it’s hard to know what normal is. Friendship is hard to find, and if your last experience with it was junior high (and your junior high friends had a fondness for ribbing each other) it might be very hard to connect with people as an adult.
Yeah, I’m lonely. I’ve always been content with my own company, but being widowed isn’t like losing another person. It’s like losing half your mind. I’m no longer all here. I assume I’ll grow back eventually.
The couple downstairs from me are both not mature enough to be in a relationship. They have four children, mother’s on disability (for emotional reasons), she’s 23. Her husband’s 20. Both very religious, so I’m assuming that’s why they’re married and (apparently) not using birth control. It’s sad to hear them both using the “C” word, and “F*ck”, she calls him a ‘fag’, all while their children are crying and screaming.
Some are more mature than their mates. Some I have NO idea why they would get married in the first place. They could both be considered ‘mature’; one couple in particular were seemingly regretting they agreed to get married before they even went through with it.
So-called ‘once-in-a-lifetime mistakes’ by one party can forever change things.
I guess I would say a lot of the resentment comes from built up injustices each party (thinks) the other’s inflicted on them. Which then turns into arguments that recycle bullet points on how crappy the other’s made the other’s life.
It’s really hard to find/create a mature relationship seemingly.
I think the difference between these people, and the healthy couples seems to be that the healthy couples don’t get themselves into much ‘trouble’, and when they do something mildly stupid, their partner lets time heal things, as the ones who are in the wrong acknowledge their mistakes. Like when my cousin was greeted with his, (then sour), wife who seemed curt with him for no particular reason. My cousin didn’t take it personally, and made her a nice dinner, where she later regretted her nasty attitude, and I’m sure he got he “reward” after I had left. He ‘killed her with kindness’, instead of reacting negatively which would have resorted in a fight.
The one friend I have who’s in a healthy relationship was unjustly attacked by his wife once, (I was there, and he WAS in the right, I think she even knew this), in which case he calmly argued his point, and told her he wasn’t going to argue. He didn’t say a word to her for most of the night, until she later said she was sorry. He said it was great that she was able to own up to being mean, and left it at that.
This is a great way to look at patterns of behavior. I never really thought about it that way before, but you’re right.
I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days, and my feelings on lonliness are so conflicted. On the one hand, what I do now is comfortable and easy, but I look at other people and their social lives and really feel like I’m missing out.
I need to resolve the feelings of inadequacy and rejection that have been with me since I was a teenager. My best friend dropped me and some of the things that happened and how I reacted are still with me today. I’m bringing this up now because this is a great place to vent and it’s time to resolve this once and for all and move on with the rest of my life. I don’t want to feel unhappy about this anymore, so I need to find the right combination of socializing and solitary pursuits. Maybe then I won’t feel like I’m on the outside looking in anymore.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. I feel conflicted at times also. What is odd for me is that I have been in a relationship for four and a half years now and I still feel lonely. Of course, that’s to be expected if one’s SO lives 100 miles away and only visits twice a month.
At times, I like my life of solitude when my GF is away (eating alone, sleeping alone, playing video games, and going to the movies alone). But when I am out and about, I do get a twinge of sadness when I see so many happy people really enjoying life. I envy them. But another part of me doesn’t see how such a life would be possible with the way I’m currently wired. It’s hard to imagine being anyone other than the “me” that I’ve been since I moved away from my SO to go to graduate school.
I get along great with people, though. I can make small talk with the best of them, I am pretty good at picking up nonverbal communication, and I would venture to say that anyone who didn’t really know me would tell you that I am very much a people person. It’s this “mask of sociability” that I have, I suppose.
I don’t really wallow in lonliness. Usually what happens is when I’m at a point in my life where I feel excessively lonly or bored (like moving to a new city), I start actively seeking out new relationships. Then at some point I reach a sort of equalibrium where I have about as active a social life as I need. I used to travel a lot for work too. You get very used to going out by yourself and meeting people when you are constantly in a new city.
I think people need a certain amount of routine or comfortable relationships. No matter how outgoing you are, you don’t want to constantly be the guy flying solo everywhere.
Problem is a lot of people feel really uncomfortable flying solo so they don’t. And unfortunately that’s what you need to do until you find a steady group of friends.
People get frustrated with each other or project their external frustrations on the other person.