I am now the Minor Funkmistress of Kissing Ass or, if I don’t like that, I can revert to my secondary title, the Holy Sherrif of Retro.
I like that.
El Jefe of Things That Go “Bump” in the Night
I wish things went bump in the night for me…
Is your last name really Groth? That’s my favorite Cabernet!
Grand Raja of The Right Side of Triangle Theorems
hmmm… i’m either Sergeant of Panties or Mega Sorceress Junior Grade of The Black Army of Stoopid Title Generators .
HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! THE ONE WITH THE PINK LACY PANTIES!
Knight of Silly Boys and Their Bad Musical Taste, Sir Galen Ubal for my Doper name.
Inspector of The Division For Investigating Tufted Tit-Mouses, for my real name.
Viscountess of The Cornfed Heifer Appreciation Society, Lady Nortia Jehosophat von Beck.
I’m the Lesser Deputy of All Things Not Pertaining to Donuts
I was something of Beer for Breakfast. Although now I can seem to recall my exact title. Solution? More beer!
I am the Sheriff of The Klopfenstein Institute of Cloud Shape Analysis and Junior-High School.
Respect mah authoritah!
Pasha of The Institute for Promotion of The Shimto Plains
so, what am I, after all??
**Co-Cardinal Emeritus of The Reformed Order of Passers-By, Don Gartog I. van der Joplin **
Or
Master of All Things Not Pertaining to Kissing Ass, Gartog Roggow, the Seventh
*Now you just have to stop turning around whenever somebody yells, “Hey, freak!” *
Not sure which I prefer mayb both 
Master of All Things Not Pertaining to Kissing Ass, Co-Cardinal Emeritus of The Reformed Order of Passers-By, Don Gartog I. van der Joplin-Roggow, the Seventh
Oh yes.
Co-God-In-Training of Erectile Dysfunction
Forgive me sire, I was raised by a mad herd of wild cows.
It started slow with:
Ranger of Plywood, Sheetrock and other Panel-like Building Materials, DJ Enuma Dink Elish
but then I was declared:
Secretary of Vibrators!!!
Line up ladies!!! It won’t cost you … much!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh the POWER!!!
but I like the third one best:
Uber-Fuhrer of Lifetime: Television for Women, Kissing Ass and Scopin’ Hotties, Enuma Elish L.C.S.W.
You see it assumed my name was female and unknowingly placed me in a dangerous, and quite abuseable, position of power! Bwhaaaaaa haa haa! Your asses are mine!
Get on your knees and hail the **Vice Alderman of Women’s Prison Movies, Darth Bruce Protopapas. **
I like this. [heavy breathing] Really like this.
We need a Darth smiley.
Queen of Cannibalistic Rituals to the Glory of Cornfed Heifers…
Hmm…
Screen name: **Moff of The Right Side of Karaoke Bars, Steve Wolf Wright, the Fifth **
Full name (which, admittedly, isn’t that different): Abbot of The Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice
So… either I work for the Empire, or for the Taliban. Both of which are a) direly evil and b) really bad career choices. They don’t even have snazzy uniforms, dammit…
Lesser Earl Maximus of White-Collar Crime.
Earl Maximus! Oooo!!!
So Mr. Torque? Who’s the real Max now?
Empress of The Institute for Promotion of Donuts, Nortia Walrustitty
Contessa of Breastseses, Nortia Kenobi
Marquise of Jock Itch, Nortia “Lighthouse” Garibaldi
The Kinque of Vulgaria