As _____ as a _____ that's _____.

A Chilean friend tells me that that’s the form of many Chilean expressions: as scared as a nun who’s late; as frightened as a gay man losing weight. My personal favourite: as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

I’m trying to reconstruct a list he once gave me. Anyone know any, or can make up good ones?

I once read a Rolling Stone article about the Tupac Shakur murder. The writer quoted a gangster who claimed to know the killer. I loved what the gangster said about the whereabouts of the killer:

“He’s laying as low as a leprechaun with his legs cut off.”


Never regret what seemed like a good idea at the time.

As gross as a pubic hair that’s on the soap

The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.

“As sharp as a bag of wet mice.” -Foghorn Leghorn

As fast as an ant stuck in tar!
Weeeeezoooooommm

-Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kickin’ contest.

-Scared as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

-That makes as much sense as pissin’ into the wind.


Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

Busier than a one-armed paperhanger.

Cold as witches tit.

Cold as a well-diggers ass.

And I know this doesn’t fit the category but it’s a personal favorite – He didn’t know whether to run, shit, or go blind!


“non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem”

Spoken about a big steel toolbox filled with iron chains:
“Big as an army ambulance, heavier than God’s own anvil, and awkward as an ostrich in a porta-potty.”


I’m not a warlock.
I’m a witch with a Y chromosome.

As dull as a board painted brown.
As tight as an ugly nun.
As bloody as a leper that’s been put through a shredder.
As ugly as a mules ass that’s been whipped bloody.
As horny as a televangelist that’s visiting Vegas.

as dumb as a stump/post/rock
as bright as a 2 watt bulb
as fast as cold molasses
as dry as a popcorn fart

I’m not a racist but I do find this one funny:

I’m sweating like a nigger on a rape charge!

Not exactly in the “as a” form, but one of my favorite comparison is a person so fat, he has “more Chins than a Chinese phone book.”


Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@schicktech.com

“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

As busy as a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd on an ice pond.

As tired as a whores handbag!
As dry as a Nuns crotch!
As busy as a whores lipstick!
As hard as a rock on viagara!

On the old TV show “Buffalo Bill”, there was a character who kept coming up with these totally bizarre and nonsensical sayings something like the ones you’ve mentioned. The only one I can remember (I still use it to this day) is “I’m as serious as beavers in the pantry.”

I almost avoided this thread cause I thought it was about grammar!

Pluto says:

My boss used to say the first one all the time! Ah, memories!
My dad uses the second one, except says it
“Cold as a witches tit in a brass bra”

My favorite that I use frequently when it’s hot out doesn’t make a lot of sense:
Hotter than a big dog.

Here’s another:
He’s tighter than bark on a tree.

As dumb as a bag of hammers

As silly as a bag of arseholes (Australian, I think)

I had a boss who used to say:
“As useless as two tits on a boar hog.”

“As useless as tits on a bull” is one I’ve heard forever. Know a lot of people like that, too.

Hotter than a Whore in Church!