Lol, that’s an eye catching title. Hope I put this in the right place. I’ve seen the “Ask a person…” threads, and I think they’ve been here. Ok, so I’m posting this in the interest of saving some men and women out there a lot of pain and heartbreak.
I’ve had a long history of dealing with gynecological problems, including endometriosis, vulvar vestibulitis and vulvodynia. The main symptom for me was pain with intercourse. In 6 years, I’ve gained a lot of insight into the conditions. Since it is estimated approximately 10% of women have endo (cite: http://www.endometriosis.org/), I bet there are some women on the board who have it, and men whose mates are dealing with it too.
No question is out of bounds. Hopefully someone will ask a question so I don’t feel silly for posting this.
Your aim, was just a bit off. Since this thread is offering to provide answers to (as yet unasked) questions that probably have a fair amount of individual perspective (on both the questions and answers), I’m going to move it over to IMHO. General Questions typically handles question to which there are factual answers when the Original Poster actually does not know the answer.
This is one of the best questions, and one that is seldom asked.
Yes, you do, but it’s complex. Our bodies are amazing and the female’s orgasm incredibly complex. In my last long term relationship, I developed this condition to a severe degree, and part of my therapy was to have sex in very specific ways, in spite of the pain. My boyfriend couldn’t stand this. His opinion was the same as you, if it isn’t good -why bother? And maybe this would be true for anonymous encounters. The reality is, in a relationship, sex can be about making your partner happy as well (even if it shouldn’t be) A lot of women feel like failures when they have this condition because something so natural as sex is so hard for them, and it’s taking a critical component out of a relationship. Add to that, for me at least, I was at one point before the pain was TOO bad able to experience pain and pleasure simultaneously. My bf was very confused by that one.
Thanks for your post on something which has affected me recently, and which up until now I have not been inclined to ask about. However, since you’ve prompted me…
My girlfriend (18) and I (19) have been having sex for almost a year now. As is normal, she found it painful to start with, but sometimes she still finds it painful now. Sometimes, this is probably due to (ahem) insufficient foreplay, i.e. she’s not physically ready, but other times she clearly is, and however gentle I am I can’t help hurting her. To clarify: I wouldn’t have thought it’s my size causing the problem, as if anything I’m slightly smaller than average, but she may be too (she often has difficulty inserting a tampon). Also, it seems to occur most often just before or after her period, and she said that that was common having talked about it to a friend of hers (whether this is correct or not I’ve no idea). Having looked at your link, I’m now slightly more worried than before, especially as I know she is desperate to have children (though not in the near future!). I didn’t know that this problem could actually be a disease. Should she be checked out, or is there a simpler explanation. I believe there is some family history of gynaecological problems.
Emotionally, my attitude is similar to your experiences; neither of us can enjoy the sex if it’s painful, which in turn is of course frustrating for both of us! However, I guess we could do it if it’s beneficial! Anyway, what are your thoughts?
Yeah, we’ve tried that, but it’s just not the same - especially for her!
Women with endometriosis can have it on their uterus, ovaries, and also their bowels and bladder. For these women, walking, standing, sitting and moving are all uncomfortable activities. The downside is, for some, it doesn’t matter which hole it goes in, it still hurts, to be crude.
Add to that the fact that some women have trouble getting aroused as a result of the condition. If they haven’t dabbled in the practice before, getting started might be more pain that its worth for them.
Sometimes, it doesn’t make a difference how aroused a woman is. For example, endometriosis, which is in short form a uterine lining that grows outside the uterus, fluctuates with estrogen levels. For many women, this means that their pain is worse when they have their period or ovulate.
I, too, when through a phase where I thought I was smaller than normal. My gynecologist explained it to me this way: The vagina is meant to accomadate a baby, and will make concessions for that, so in most cases there is no such thing as “too big”. I also had difficulty inserting a tampon. Until I was “cured”, I used the trainer tampons for years.
I’ll break it down for you. Endometriosis is my primary condition, which causes pain. In response, my vaginal wall does what any good vagina does when it’s hurting: it constricts the muscles. This muscles spasming can become a permanent condition, called vulvodynia when it is affecting the entire vulvar area, or vestibulitis when it affects the area surrounding where the hymen was.
Here’s a great little test your girlfriend can do: have her take a simple cue tip and touch gently the vestibule area. (you can find a picture here, midway down the page: http://vv_vancouver.tripod.com/interest.htm) For most women, this should not hurt. For me, and women with this condition, it often feels like a burning or stabbing sensation merely to be touched there!
Absolutely! Your girlfriend may be in for a long and ardous role, depending on the doctor she gets. If you can afford it, do not try to have her diagnosed through a family doctor. It’s important to see a gynecologist. As far as infertility goes, she has a better chance of having kids if she is treated EARLY!
There are many things your gf and you can do to make sex enjoyable again. It starts with a diagnosis, if there is a problem. I’m happy to help. My e-mail address is jillymitchell@yahoo.ca.
Are you able to orgasm in spite of the pain? Or somehow make it work to your advantage? (hey when life gives you lemons… )
Any advice for men coping with a woman that has this condition? From the way you describe it, intercourse must be torture! Can you still masturbate without pain?
The easy answer is… sometimes. When the condition was at its peak, I was in such bad pain it would have been impossible. Only physical therapy helped me to get this back.
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My best advice is summarized below, in point form
Understand that this has nothing to do with you. A dramatic drop in her sex drive due to pain is a medical issue and must be dealt with accordingly. Try not to feel hurt if she can’t be intimate with you.
Encourage her to seek help. Some woman, either through embarrasement or ignorance don’t realize that this is a medical issue that can be fixed. For the longest time, I thought sex hurt for all women. Let her know that you believe she deserves to enjoy this, and it isn’t her fault either.
Make sure you make it clear that in spite of this, you still find her attractive. Some women with this problem start to feel less than whole.
Be willing to participate in therapy. For me, this included “prescribed” sex. It’s not fun, it’s awkward and the rewards take a while. There’s nothing less attractive than your partner practicing her kegels as you inch in, saying “wait, wait, ok, a little bit more”, but it’s gotta be done sometimes.
Let her know that if she wants it, you’re willing to try alternate forms of intimacy. Use your imagination.
Offer to go to the dr with her. Some gyne’s dealing with these conditions see “couples” because the condition affects men as well! My gyne required the mate to register with the clinic, and explained at length to my partner what was going on and what he could do to help.
Don’t pressure her to be intimate.
Accept that it’s going to hurt for her, and only she can determine her tolerance level. If she says it is ok, it probably is for her (unless there is a deep seated psych issue revolving around “pleasing you” at her expense)
Some women can still masterbate without pain. I can, but I have known women who can’t because even the spasm from an orgasm hurts (sucky, eh?) That happened to me only for a short time, and it was terrible.
And remember, this CAN be fixed. It’s not the end of the world.
Do you know anything about how a tipped uterus can cause pain? I have been told before by my gyno that I have a tipped uterus or a low uterus and have read that this can contribute to pain. I plan to talk to her about this in more detail next time I go see her.
What sorts of tests did it take to diagnose you? Were you ever made to feel that it was psychosomatic? Did intercourse always hurt from the first time you had it?
Has dealing with the associated relationship issues been hard for you?
It took me a very long time to get a diagnosis. Unfortunately, vulvodynia and vulvar vestibulitis have unknown causes, and it has been known to crop up in women who have experienced sexual trauma. As a result, some doctors I saw believed that it was all in my head. One doctor, knowing nothing about me, told me I was sexually repressed. Eventually, frustrated, I went and sat in emerg for 5 hours waiting to see the gyne on duty. She did a test, told me she suspected endo, and suggested I get a referral to a gyne - and not take no for an answer. I moved back to my moms, got into a gyne, and he did a pelvic exam. Because I was in so much pain, he recommended laparascopic surgery. The surgery found that my right ovary was adhesed to my uterine wall, and he freed it up and cauterized some of the endo. Vestibulitis was diagnosed much later by a gynecologist in Vancouver after a biopsy showed abnormal cells and the q-tip test was positive for pain.
Sex has always hurt for me, unfortunately. I cried the first time I had sex and it didn’t hurt, it was so overwhelming.
I forgot to anwer the last question regarding relationship issues.
This condition nearly destroyed my relationship. The partner I speak of is now my ex, for other reasons. I found that not being able to have sex combined with his over large sex drive left me feeling inadequate. I constantly questioned why someone would want to be with me when this part of our relationship was lacking. I offered to let him find an outside source for his needs. He, however, was gracious, supportive and a strong force in my healling. He may be an asshole for a multitude of other reasons, but for that I will always be grateful.
As you may have suspected from my questions, I’m also a sufferer of this problem. It’s very private for me, especially because a lot of the psychological issues you discussed. I haven’t been, nor do I seem likely to be, diagnosed with anything, despite several medical tests.
I’m going to be following this thread very closely.
