Wow, Commander Fortune, congratulations! That is, without a doubt, the most interesting relationship I’ve ever heard of. Your years of happiness together show that unusual marriages can work, and that it’s best to find a relationship that most fits you, not necessarily your society.
Many more years of happiness to you both!
Your Quadell
Okay Bi-Guy, how do threesomes fit into your little group here?
To explain my question a bit here is my story.
My hubby and I were married about a year when his brother started dropping hints about my husband sexual orientation.
Now by this time we had alread had one threesome with a close friend, but it was strictly only contact with me and not each other. Not a bad deal for me I might add! 
Anyway, I found a picture of him and one of his “close” friends from the military and confronted him about it. (an argument in favor of you possibly telling the wife) At first I was devastated!
I wasn’t upset because he had these tendensies, or had expiremented or what have you. I was upset because he kept a part of his past from me.
Now to explain that. I am as open as they come. He should have known that I would understand because I was raised by lesbians, and my biological father is a swinger.
After we talked about things for a while it became part of sex talk, and then it came about that I too would like to be with someone of the same sex. What a turn on for both of us.
We now have a best friend of ours who plays with us all the time. They guys are not shy about touching each other, and I still get a majority of the attention. Sorry, I am a Sagitarius it’s in my sign to be the center of the party!
We have thought about swinging, but it is so hard to find a couple with both of us being attracted to both of them. We are not looking for super models either if that sounded bad, we are just looking for down to earth people who share our interests. You wouldn’t believe how hard that is!
A gay male friend of mine and I go to the gay club all the time, and I have found that in my expirence that people who have threesomes or swing, are not as easily excepted. I have had many women approach me, and when I tell them about him, they turn away. Anybody got an answer to that?
Can I be in your little discussion group? The Bi-Guy, The Gay-guy, The Bi-Fem, and the Bi-threesome. Swinger sounds better, but doesn’t describe me correctly.
BTW, I love this thread. I am now offically out to you wonderful people.
Try not to let her find out on her own, please. If by chance she does, be as open and honest as you can. She may just suprise you.
Off to the club right now for me. I will be waiting for your reply on threesomes and swingers.
Mistress Kricket
Hi Kricket!
What do you mean exactly? Chef, me, and who? (Just kidding!)
Well, okay, details are always fun. Here goes.
I’ve been in completely open relationships in the past, but I’ve figured out they’re just not for me. I know people for whom they’ve worked out great; I’m just not one of them. But I’ve never been in a “traditional” relationship, since they don’t fit me well either. So my fiance and I are into “couple’s dating.” What’s that, you ask? I’ll explain.
In general, we really enjoy being around other healthy couples just on a purely platonic level, double-dating and such. We really thrive off the positive energy of being around people in love. (And the converse is also true. It’s almost painful to be around bickering couples; it’s an empathy thing.) So anyway, this is also true on up to sharing our relationship with them on a romantic or sexual level, from fun flings to more serious relationships. Sometimes we’ve been open to a single woman or man, and that’s great too, but it’s not as good. The thing is, I’m not looking for a lover for myself, and I’m not interested in anything where she’s not included. We just like to share our relationship with other couples. (Would like to, I should say. Finding people that openminded is pretty tough.)
Oh boy, the SDMB has some people with some diverse backgrounds! You were Pat Robertson’s nightmare when you were born! 
Oh yes I would. Even the local alternative paper doesn’t show “couples seeking couples” ads. And swingers clubs are basically only interested in swapping, which isn’t for us. It’s a desert out there.
I’m afraid not. That’s been my experience too. Just be upfront and be patient. Also, there are polyamory personals out there - you just have to hunt a little. Loving More has a good forum, and Yahoo Personals is somewhat poly-friendly. (Both are free.) The problem is, most of the responses we’ve got have been from people 40 and up, and we’re looking for people closer to our own age.
“Polyamorous” works for me. And there are a few others on the SDMB, even.
Your Quadell
Funny story here guys!
When what’s his name had that whole deal with tinkey winkey be gay my husband with his wonderful sense of humor made the comment that he no longer wanted our children to play with the teletubbies! Ha Ha.
So I look at him with the most serious look on my face and say “does that mean that they can’t play with there grandmother either then?”
It took him off guard, because he wasn’t being serious. For once in five years he was speechless!
My mother and I still laugh about it to this day. And guess what the younger kids got for christmas? 
Now, back to your regularly scheduled thread.
Are you stuck on stupid?
By all means, welcome aboard, Kricket! How about if we call you Tri-Fem?
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Wow - heck of a post, Commander Fortune!
A couple of follow-up questions:
[list=1][li]Obviously you and your husband have committed yourselves to each other for life, and I commend you for it. If you had a long-term lover that wanted to get married (for love or for money/power), would you consider it - maybe switch and marry him instead and continue to keep your current usband as part of your family? What if his lover wanted the commitment?[/li][li]How easy or hard is it to find lovers that want to be blended into your family as it stands? How do new mates react when told?[/li][li]I am assuming you and your husband are the biological parents of your daughter?[/li][li]Which brings up the next question - do you and your husband sleep together? Is he bi but mostly gay and just identifies as gay? (As far as I’m concerned… EEEEEEEWWWWWW! But he may feel differently! :D)[/li][li]And, of course, the inevitable - What did you think of “The Next Best Thing?”[/list=1][/li]
Esprix, who is looking for a new education
Hey Bi Guy…I am a young closeted bisexual female and I am not quite sure how to handle it. I’ve only had straight relationships in the past and I really don’t know how I’d even approuch a girl. It’s not that I am unconfortable with my orientation, I just dont quite know what to do with it. Any guidence or advice?
One thing you should keep in mind, E.S., and I think all my “colleagues” would agree, is that being bisexual doesn’t obligate you to actually sleep with a woman. Your bisexuality isn’t like a credit card - you don’t have to have sex to activate it. So if you’re comfortable with your attraction to women but aren’t sure what to do about it, my advice is to do nothing for now. These things have a way of taking care of themselves…one day you’ll just be at a stop light and you’ll realize the cute girl driving the Saturn in the next lane is grooving to the same k.d.lang song as you, and the rest will be herstory.
Fine, you say, but I am READY to (as Joe Bob Briggs would say) make the sign of the triple-gilled aardvark with my next door neighbor and I just want to know how to approach her. If this is your problem, I should probably refer you to Bi Fem. How about it, Commander Fortune? Any advice?
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
hey ES try gaydar 
and theres always the lesbian porn industry
i got a topic… what man would be insane enough to marry 2 women
Gosh, there is nothing like being “outed” to prod a “lurker” to become a “poster”.
Thank you Commander Fortune (my lovely and devoted (fish)wife for the imputus to speak out.
I am gay. Esprix, I share your POV (eloquently put as; “eeeeewwwww”) when it comes to the thought of sexual relations with a female, but when it comes to friendship, companionship, trust and respect, I must say I do have an ideal situation with CF.
As to the paternity of our daugher, I am not the chromisome doner who made possable my daughter’s entrence into the world, however, I am her dad and wouldn’t have it any other way.
The universe has a way of giving us what we want the most. I always had the perplexing and ironic desire to be a parent. Even though I kenw it would not happen in the “normal” biological fashion.
–Hey! I heard that turkey baster comment!–
I am still waiting for the universe to deliver that box of money and the boyfriend, but I am a patient man…
As to the prospect of future wanna-be-homewreckers… look out! We’ve delt with them before and it wasn’t pretty…
Life is to be enjoyed, when you have people to share that enjoyment with, it’s even better… I say we have lots to be joyfull about! Who wants to share it with us?
B.T.G.H.
Thank You. and a hearty thank you to Quadell as well!
I don’t know. I’m tempted to just give you a pat answer of “no”. It would really depend on the circumstances motivating the lover toward this end. It would definitely have to be something that would motivate Bill to want to make the change also. I can’t imagine it happening, but I guess I would consider it. Then again, I’ll consider almost anything.
This, which is actually something I have never thought of, is more comfortable to think about than marrying a lover of my own. Again, the reasons to do this would have to be pretty extreme.
About as easy as it would be for anyone to find someone to marry, I’d guess. Well, to marry a woman in her 30’s. With a kid. And a husband. So…live-ins have happened twice in 15 years. One occurrence for each of us. Both were same-sex relationships, mine occurred many years ago prior to my daughter’s birth. Bill’s was more recently, within the last 5 years.
By blending, I’m guessing you mean moving in. It should be understood though, that we associate with each other socially as well. After some friends of ours were married, Bill and my lover (John) hosted a party at our home while I went on to work. John spends 1 or 2 days a week at our house, I spend a couple weekends a month at his house, sometimes I bring my daughter (M.) and sometimes I leave M. at home with her Daddy so they can have some one on one time. Time management becomes a really critical skill.
In the sense of actively seeking live-in’s, we really aren’t looking for others to “blend” into the mix, though. Here in Boulder, there is a fairly developed “poly” network so if we were looking blend there are a pool of like-minded people within our home city with whom we could mingle. We tend to date and if the other person wants more, so to speak, moving in is the next level. As I said in my previous post, however, the next time that comes up we will take it much more seriously…I’m talking documents, agreements, paper-work, guarantees, lawyers even, maybe.
“mates” should read “dates”?
We (Bill and I) have agreed that it is unethical to withhold this information beyond a casual first date. Although it seems awkward and almost presumptuous to discuss an alternative marital status on a first date, it needs to be out there from the beginning as it’s generally assumed that if you’re dating, you’re single.
I usually try to get it out of the way pretty quickly because I’d rather be able to still possibly salvage the evening if the news is not received well. Reactions are varied. Only two potential lovers have broken off a relationship with me citing the reason as me being a missus. There really is no “typical” reaction. To date: no one has ever gotten angry or violent. No one has ever stormed off.
I’ve never asked Bill how his dates react. They tend to be far more nervous about meeting me than my dates are about meeting him, but that is just my perception. He does most of his socializing and meeting people on the net so that may also have something to do about it.
Actually, I had an unplanned pregnancy resulting from a relationship with a man who is not currently involved in our lives. I told Bill the news; we both thought on it for a week or so and then went out for dinner. I offered Bill the option of a divorce – no strings - keep living together – business as usual except without the extra-serious lifetime commitment of child rearing, but he turned me down flat. He and I had always planned to have children eventually (with or without assistance) we just had one sooner, rather than later.
He’s a great Dad. We occasionally think of having another (turkey baster style), but it never seems to be “the right time”. We are also really enjoying the fact that our daughter is getting older and can do more with us, while at the same time requiring less parenting paraphernalia. Neither of us particularly favor the newborn/infant/toddler stages, so we are currently very-much enjoying having a child old enough to participate in wider variety of amusements and interaction.
Alas! He does NOT feel differently! We have not had a sexual relationship since he reconciled his orientation, which was prior to our becoming married in 1985. He is a confirmed gay homosexual. Funny, but after this much time together and all we have been through, the thought of having sex with Bill is as disturbing as the thought of having sex with (for example) my brother.
We haven’t seen it yet! Although we’ve had lots of giggles about it.
::Bizzarro simulpost - I’m at work, Bill’s at home and yet, we’re BOTH here::spooky::
Even Sven
You don’t mention how young you are, but most colleges and even some high schools have a PFLAG group or something along those lines. It’s a start.
Church. Yes, you heard me right. Some churches minister (constructively and with a positive message) to GLBT groups and welcome
new members. If this kind of outlook is something you find interesting or desireable.
ES
I guess where I was going with that last post is here:
It’s far easier to approach women that more than likely aren’t going to cop an attitude about being approached.
The only answer I know regarding approach is to make social contacts with other Bisexual women or Lesbians, and ask them out to coffee or lunch if we seem to have interests in common. Let things proceed at a comfortable pace from there.
First of all, I just want to say how cool the name Bill The Galactic Hero is! Do you have 3 arms?
Anywho, thanks to you and Commander Fortune for the insight! A couple of thoughts:
As your lovely wife mentioned, but I wasn’t talking about home-wreckers, I was talking about legitimate romantic partners you’d want to spend the rest of your life with as much as you want to spend it with the Commander.
Now that is a fabulous way of looking at things! What a lucky daughter you both have.
Well you need to see it, if for no other reason than it sounds like your life story! Although it does have a happy ending, it is a drama and therefore has conflict that I hope you two never experience.
As for me… well, it wouldn’t be for me, but then I’m still waiting for my man in Canada to give in… {SIGH}
Esprix
Esprix, Thank you but alas I don’t have 3 arms, even though the mutation would have proved most helpful during the infant / toddler years!
I have been thinking about your post most of the day and will sum up the thoughts here:
The wanna-be home wrecker mentioned was, for a long time, a possible life partner… but it went so very wrong. Then it got ugly. Now, I am still a happy man and he is alone in his misery… (evil snickering).
Looking towards the future. Because developing a long-term serious relationship takes time, I would hope that during this period the Partner In Question would develop some social ties or even friendships with our family.
I must digress here a bit and I apologize in advance for the potential length… When I use the term family, I am referring to the people we have chosen to surround ourselves with. An extended family if you will. We have several very close friends that make up this family and even some blood relatives are among the numbers of this motley crew. These people make up a very tight knit support group for each other. It’s a kith sort of thing, or if you prefer, you could think of it as a Mafia style family without the skullduggery. We tend to spend a lot of time together going out, eating out or just hanging out.
This PIQ would be subjected to, and immersed in this core group of people. If he was not able to blend in, I fear that his days would be numbered… This is not to say that I would not expect the same from him. I would hope that there would be a healthy overlap of friends and family while developing this relationship.
I think it would be very difficult to develop a relationship with a man if he was not able to enjoy the social swirl.
If for some weird and inexplicable reason this PIC was able to so totally sweep me off my feet and then demand I choose between him and my family, the PIQ would end up walking away disappointed. I am very committed to raising my daughter with my wife and family. I am fairly confidant that even though this person has been able to capture my romantic heart, his inability to share with my family would put him into the “learning experience” category very quickly. My thoughts also seem to suggest that any man able to capture my romantic heart, would have shown the ability to share already.
I suppose, as C.F. has already said, if a very extraordinary circumstance developed, where either of us might find ourselves faced with the decision to change the structure of our family. I would like to think either of us would be able to get over the initial shock, hurt and anger quickly and wish the other well in their new life. I do know that I would make every effort possible to maintain a civil relationship if not friendship. If for no other reason that my relationship with my daughter is and would still be my first priority.
I really don’t want to hi-jack this thread. I realize I am not a bi man. Should this discussion be moved to another area or a new topic started? Otherwise, feel free to e-mail me and I will be happy to continue a discussion along these lines. 
BTGH
I am kicking myself for not reading this thread sooner.
This is one of the all-time nicest threads I’ve ever read.
Bi Guy, I understand you not telling your wife. There are a few things I won’t tell my husband about me, too. He knows the overwhelming majority of my life story, but some of his reactions to some things (like your wife’s reaction to Ally) have made me decide that giving him all of the pages of my personal book might not be a great idea. I’m not just talking about sexuality, either. I’m straight. But I always wondered.
This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here.
I hate to pick nits, Gay Guy, but the Harry Harrison character for whom BTGH is named does not have three arms. He has two right arms, one on each side. This happened as a result of getting his left arm blown off in a fuse-changing accident and there being a shortage of left arms for spare parts. Bill was, IIRC, very upset by this until he discovered he could shake hands with himself.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Warm thanks to you for the compliment, Cristi! I hope that now you’ve come in, you’ll stick around. I’m still lagging way behind that fershlugginer Ask Gay Guy thread, and I need to up my post count. grin
Of course, Gay Guy’s thread is great too. In fact, I think it’s a real shame that the Ask the “straight” guy thread is such a piece of polemic dung. Serves us right for launching these in Great Debates instead of MPSIMS.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Okay, in the interests of stirring up debate (not to mention bumping the thread back up), I wanted to ask you all a hypothetical question:
If you were beginning a relationship with someone, and they told you they were bi, what would your reaction be?
Also, at what point would you expect to be told – first date? Third date? “When it gets serious”? Before the wedding? Or would you not want to know at all? (this assumes continued fidelity on the part of the bi person.)
I’m interested to hear your honest responses.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Oh, no, what I was posing was that the person simply want you to marry them instead of your partner, but not take them away from your family - they become part of the family, but just want to be married instead of she married to you or you married to her. I understand you aren’t going to be leaving your family as it stands!
Here’s another thought, at least for your case - what if you meet this PIQ that wants to have a wedding ceremony (domestic partnerships or civil unions notwithstanding)? Would the good Commander be your best man? Or would she give you away?
Esprix