The question is how did a good Jewish people turn into a follower of Me? Look, we didn’t have Woodstock or the Cambridge Music festival. Somebody got the word that I was laid up for three days and came back. If you ever call in sick to work, don’t call in dead and then come back. People will remember everything you ever said.
Oh, and about the lions and such, Oops, my bad.
Jesus H Christ
If you are all-powerful, can you make a rock so big that even you can’t lift it?
(I asked my pastor this back in grade school; all I got in return was a stern look.)
I could make a rock so big your pastor could not lift it. I could make a rock so big that Jim Brown, your grade school crush could not lift it. I could even make I rock I could not lift with my bare hands, but I would then make you the builder of a hoist that could lift it. You would be world renown, but that is not what you asked me to do, so yes. I could, and yes it could be lifted, but don’t test me. I think I said that once before.
Jesus H Christ
So what’s the scoop with you and Mary Magdalene?
You promise not to tell before I reveal this on international TV?
She and I had a brief fling. She was more into it than I was. If Her stories hadn’t been destroyed, Penthouse Forums would have had nothing on Her Gospels. You know, for a Prostitute, I did teach her a thing or two.
Jesus H Christ
JC,
Thanks for the Red Sox and all. I prayed and prayed, yay!
Why don’t you get a job, you damn hippie? Then you could afford a decent haircut.
Jesus,
What do you say to those Pasafarians who seem to have some pretty strong evidence that the world was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster?
2000 years later, do you have any grudges against the Romans?
Does your chewing gum REALLY lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight, or is that just a rumor?
And most importantly…
Now that your back, what’s up with the Bible? Why all the inconsistency? Do we still have to keep reading it now that you are back?
Do you and Satan still hold a grudge, or was that just for shits and giggles?
Just wondering.
JC, what are the winning numbers for the next Mega-Lotto?
(I’ll build a church or something with (some of) the winnings, KTHX!)
Willem Dafoe or Jim Caviezel?
We all know you were hung on a cross, but are you ‘hung’?
OK so Joseph did not have sex with Mary to begat you. Did he ever tap that? Do you have any siblings. What sort of pranks did you play on them as kids? Did you turn the water in their sippy cups to wine?
Why did you go Postal on the money changers? You seem pretty mellow except for that one time. Were you having a bad day.
Does Jesus Christ Superstar get stuck in your head like it does mine?
Does it really bother you that I jerk off? If so, what’s the big deal?
Is it true that you only brought Lazarus back to life because he owed you money?
Do you prefer American Gladitor or Ninja Warrior?
Need help fast. I’m in a poker game. Should I draw to an outside straight?
Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd?
Is it true when you play pick-up football you pretend to be Tom Brady?
Is that really you in the Shroud of Turin, the Pizza Hut spaghetti billboard, numerous pieces of toast, and that freon discharge that congealed underneath a window unit air conditioner in San Juan Obispo?
Do you mind that I often shout “Jesus!” as I’m being penetrated anally? Or would you rather I didn’t?
Hey there J,
What did you name your first pet dinosaur?
Do you laugh as hard as I do when Homer Simpson calls you “Jeebus?”
Are there any tickets still available for Phred Phelps’ smiting? If so can you score me one?
Why do you hate us queers?
Santa Claus forgot to bring me the Asimo robot. Can you bring it for my birthday next month?
In all the pictures of you, your skin is white. Do you have the same “disease” as Michael Jackson? If so, why can’t you just heal yourself?
When will the writers’ strike end?
I can’t accept your thanks, I’m actually a Braves fan. I have a seat reserved for Gregg Maddux.
Last time I had a job was as a carpenter. How’s this for ironic–The cross I was nailed up on, I made. As to your question, you think saving the world isn’t a job? Let Me tell you buddy, I am busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I think you meant Pastafarians, leave the humor to Me and We will get through this.
Man, I am still sore from the Romans. That documentary that Mel Gibson did was dead on accurate to the beatings I took. But I forgive them. If they hadn’t done what they did, I wouldn’t be here right now.
I don’t have the slightest clue about chewing gum. I wear dentures.
Should you read the Bible? Of course you should. I wrote it after all. Or most of it. Well some of it. Hey my name is in there I think.
Jesus H Christ
Satan and I are cool. We play poker on the weekends. He is tough to bluff I’ll tell you. You got to have a Satan in order to have a God. He helps remind people why they need God. He doesn’t do that so much anymore though. He’s retired and living in Miami. He follows the NFL kind of close.
You are not worthy of those numbers. Remember that girl in HS that you said you would go to church twice a week if you could only see her panties. I get you laid, and when was the last time you went to church? Give you lotto numbers, give those panties back first.
Neither Bobby DeNiro
Now we are getting down to the important questions. Yes, I have a sizable member. I have been told that many times. Mom and Dad were, I assume sexually compatible. I don’t recall asking him if he ever “tap that” when referring to my mother. I did have one sister. I used to cover her eyes in mud and tell her she would be blind if she took it off without my permission.
Money changers. Those bastards were inside a churchyard. Also, I don’t know where you got the idea I am a nice guy. I killed a tree once because it pissed Me off. There were also some stories that got left out of the Gospels. I was the wegie king. I kicked Judas in the balls when he kissed my that night.
Spank it, it’s yours. But could you stop calling my name when you approach orgasm. I will explain why in a later response.
The Lazarus thing was a bet that I had that I couldn’t sober him up after a three day drunk.
As to your last question. I don’t watch TV. No, opinion.
Give me half and go all in.
Jesus H Christ