Again, leave the jokes to Me. If you really want a laugh, look at your pay stub.
Obviously not. But I do begin to wonder why everyone who has an acid flashback sees Me in his Burrito shell.
Not that I oppose anal intercourse. It really did not make Me cry as a baby. When I hear My name being called I turn and look. What do I see, but you getting poked up the pooper. Kind of disturbing for Me during breakfast.
Pet dinosaur? What did you learn anthropology by watching the Flintstones? Dinos were extinct by the time I came around.
Jeebus, heh, that’s funny.
Smitings are not scheduled for public viewing, but step off that cross walk just one more time without looking, and you may be in time to see it.
I don’t have any problem with gays, lesbians, queers or straights. In fact I used to hang out with homosexuals. God knows why that got edited out and hookers and tax collectors are inserted. If drink like a Big Dog and party like a rock star you are ok in My Book.
I don’t deliver birthday presents. Seriously, what did you get Me for My birthday? Santa gets pissed if I get into Christmas deliveries and he has one helluva union.
The writer’s strike will end as soon as they crank out the Third Testament.
Thanks all for your inquiries. I must go negotiate interview rights with Larry King.
One was a prostitute, one was a whore. Mary had many more men and rarely had women. Mary also never did anal. It was one of her rules. Mary was way more creative, because We did not usually have a bed. Fields, lakeshores, mangers would all put Mary and I in the mood. Madonna doesn’t like public acts unless there is a camera nearby.
Asking Me about tightness is inappropriate. I can do miracles and medical procedures. I tightened many a woman up to fulfill My needs and those of My friends. Also, no mention about the boob jobs I did in the Gospels.
Cost? Madonna, I could only afford her once, but I did inspire her to write “Like a Virgin” based upon the experience. You would think she would send Me a cut.
Haploid, one student in one biology class makes a joke, and it is better known than My message. I used to tell people it stood for “Honky-Tonk” because of My affinity for Country Line dancing. Thank Me, that craze has gone away.
As to My actually being SSG Schwartz, you should know he is an atheist wouldn’t have the knowledge to answer these questions. Also, didn’t you learn about Faith in Sunday School?
I cannot say anything negative about Bill Gates. Heaven is currently under contract with Microsoft. I will hand it to his sales team. We actually had to buy Gates’ soul to ensure We would have an operating system that We must update regularly. TPTB in Hell got to Steve Jobs first.
The bandwith is incredible. We do have to be able to provide Cecil the answers to the questions that no one has ever thought to ask. As an aside, We do not appreciate Rush Limbaugh using God’s name as an endorsement. Our legal team is exploring several possibilities as We speak.
Catsup, on a hot dog? Go to confession. Say 10,000 Hail Mary’s for each violated weiner you have consumed.
Clam chowder is good. Tapioca pudding is forbidden in Heaven.
Hmm, sounds like Hell to me then, somehow I thought Heaven would want an operating system that, you know, actually works and doesn’t nag you to (un)death
Oh c’mon Big J-Man, if You know me like You claim to (being all-knowing and other delusional crap like that), You should know that I consider ketchup/catsup on a hot dog an affront to all that is Good in the world, the only True Toppings are Mustard (Gulden’s Spicy Brown), pickle relish, Chili and Sauerkraut (not all at once, obviously)
Yes, but there’s a difference between New England clam chowder and Manhattan Clam Chowder, one is Good, one is Pure, Unadulterated Evil, and being a New Englander, it should be obvious what is the One True Chowder, and it’s NOT Manhattan Clam Chowder, that’s for sure…
I tell you, MacTech, We tried hard to not get caught up in the whole Windows thing, but Gates got Us anyway. Now We have contracted for his soul and will have him for eternity.
The hotdog catsup thing was not meant for you, but as a general advisement to all who have ever considered putting catsup on a hotdog.
As to the clam chowder, I don’t get it much in Heaven do to the shipping requirements. If you die, bring plenty with you.
He had too many questions and too little commitment. Who made God? Am I an atheist. I don’t mind non-believers, but make up your friggin’ mind. Also, the evidence I had for my existence was accidentally sent to Marcia Clark and has not been seen since.
About that making water into wine trick you did, what kind of wine did ya make? A nice sharp shiraz? Or a cabernet sauvignon perhaps? Or did it come out like some home made plonk? What if I don’t like wine? Can you make me some beer?
Did you make booze for all the disciples all the time? Is that why they followed you around? Was that time with the disciples just a continous binge? Is that why you arrive so late, just recovered from a looong hangover?
Wine about the quality of Boone’s Farm. What the hell, We were a bunch of guys on a four year bender. If you have ever toured with the Dead you know what I mean. No, I can’t do beer. I have tried since grade school and it doesn’t come out right. I can make a mean Shirley Temple, however.
It was hard the last couple months of the tour. I damn near slept through My own crucifixion. That would have sucked.
Sorry, chowder, but if it makes you feel any better, your death involves a hot blonde and suffocation.
Talk about gullible. Next thing you know you will tell Me that the talking three fingered mouse in Florida can give you spiritual advice. You know where that hole 7 days creation story came from? Cain was writing a pilot for a TV show and thought that would be a good idea. We all told him no one would buy it. Somehow the script got leaked and published. Dad’s name was tagged on it, and now everybody believes in talking snakes.
As to married priests, I said celebrate. I can’t he responsible for typos. And if any priests are reading this, don’t have sex with children. Get a dog.
When I saw your name, I thought I may have a real theological question. Nice try. I get it though. Jesus on a pogo stick, Jesus hopped up Christ, etc. I invented the pogo stick and the hula hoop. Heaven can get kind of boring when you are faced with eternity. My best pogo stunt is juggling while bouncing on the stick. You should see it.
