Ask the Messiah. No really he came here to answer.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

[QUOTE=Orual]
Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd?
[/QUOTE]

Neither, Styx kicks ass.

[Quote=Gangster Octopus]
Is it true when you play pick-up football you pretend to be Tom Brady?
[/Quote]

Again, leave the jokes to Me. If you really want a laugh, look at your pay stub. :smiley:

[Quote=Knowed Out]
Is that really you in the Shroud of Turin, the Pizza Hut spaghetti billboard, numerous pieces of toast, and that freon discharge that congealed underneath a window unit air conditioner in San Juan Obispo?
[/Quote]

Obviously not. But I do begin to wonder why everyone who has an acid flashback sees Me in his Burrito shell.

[Quote=Illuminatiprimus]
Do you mind that I often shout “Jesus!” as I’m being penetrated anally? Or would you rather I didn’t?
[/Quote]

Not that I oppose anal intercourse. It really did not make Me cry as a baby. When I hear My name being called I turn and look. What do I see, but you getting poked up the pooper. Kind of disturbing for Me during breakfast.

[Quote=The Chao Goes Mu]
Hey there J,

What did you name your first pet dinosaur?

Do you laugh as hard as I do when Homer Simpson calls you “Jeebus?”

Are there any tickets still available for Phred Phelps’ smiting? If so can you score me one?

Why do you hate us queers?

Santa Claus forgot to bring me the Asimo robot. Can you bring it for my birthday next month?

In all the pictures of you, your skin is white. Do you have the same “disease” as Michael Jackson? If so, why can’t you just heal yourself?

When will the writers’ strike end?
[/Quote]

Pet dinosaur? What did you learn anthropology by watching the Flintstones? Dinos were extinct by the time I came around.

Jeebus, heh, that’s funny.

Smitings are not scheduled for public viewing, but step off that cross walk just one more time without looking, and you may be in time to see it.

I don’t have any problem with gays, lesbians, queers or straights. In fact I used to hang out with homosexuals. God knows why that got edited out and hookers and tax collectors are inserted. If drink like a Big Dog and party like a rock star you are ok in My Book.

I don’t deliver birthday presents. Seriously, what did you get Me for My birthday? Santa gets pissed if I get into Christmas deliveries and he has one helluva union.

The writer’s strike will end as soon as they crank out the Third Testament.

Thanks all for your inquiries. I must go negotiate interview rights with Larry King.

Jesus H Christ.

42

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]
She and I had a brief fling. She was more into it than I was. If Her stories hadn’t been destroyed, Penthouse Forums would have had nothing on Her Gospels. You know, for a Prostitute, I did teach her a thing or two.
[/QUOTE]

I was under the impression that “magdalin” was Aramaic for hairdresser. How did it get turned into a word for hooker?

43

[QUOTE=Scuba_Ben]
I was under the impression that “magdalin” was Aramaic for hairdresser. How did it get turned into a word for hooker?
[/QUOTE]

It was a whore house/beauty shop. Sort of something for everyone. They even had balloon animals for the kids.

Jesus H Christ.

44

Jesus,
If Jewish, why the Spanish name?

45

[QUOTE=Atomicktom]
Jesus,
If Jewish, why the Spanish name?
[/QUOTE]

Because would you sing a hymn entitled, “What a friend we have in Noah Goldstein?”

Jesus H. Christ

46

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]
Because would you sing a hymn entitled, “What a friend we have in Noah Goldstein?”

Jesus H. Christ
[/QUOTE]

Mary Magdalen or Madonna Ciccone:

Who’s better in bed?

Who’s tighter?

Who’s had more men? Women?

Converted into 1969 pre-Breton Woods dollars, who charges more?

47

[QUOTE=Count Blucher]
Mary Magdalen or Madonna Ciccone:

Who’s better in bed?

Who’s tighter?

Who’s had more men? Women?

Converted into 1969 pre-Breton Woods dollars, who charges more?
[/QUOTE]

One was a prostitute, one was a whore. Mary had many more men and rarely had women. Mary also never did anal. It was one of her rules. Mary was way more creative, because We did not usually have a bed. Fields, lakeshores, mangers would all put Mary and I in the mood. Madonna doesn’t like public acts unless there is a camera nearby.

Asking Me about tightness is inappropriate. I can do miracles and medical procedures. I tightened many a woman up to fulfill My needs and those of My friends. Also, no mention about the boob jobs I did in the Gospels.

Cost? Madonna, I could only afford her once, but I did inspire her to write “Like a Virgin” based upon the experience. You would think she would send Me a cut.

Jesus H Christ

48

I thought the “H” thing was actually for “Haploid”, based on the “unique” situation of Your birth…

More to the point, what proof can you give of your existence, how do we know that You’re not really SSG Schwartz just pretending to be you? :wink:

Is Bill Gates actually a form of the Antichrist, as I believe he is, i mean it’s obvious that he’s pure evil and all

what OS is preferred in Heaven, Mac OS, Linux (or another *nix variant), OS/2 Warp, or that “other” OS (which I imagine is the official OS of Hell)

what’s the bandwidth rate up in Heaven?

ketchup on hot dogs, yes or no?

Manhattan Clam Chowder, good, or evil?

49

Jesus,

Is this thread going to hell?

50

[QUOTE=MacTech]
I thought the “H” thing was actually for “Haploid”, based on the “unique” situation of Your birth…

More to the point, what proof can you give of your existence, how do we know that You’re not really SSG Schwartz just pretending to be you? :wink:

Is Bill Gates actually a form of the Antichrist, as I believe he is, i mean it’s obvious that he’s pure evil and all

what OS is preferred in Heaven, Mac OS, Linux (or another *nix variant), OS/2 Warp, or that “other” OS (which I imagine is the official OS of Hell)

what’s the bandwidth rate up in Heaven?

ketchup on hot dogs, yes or no?

Manhattan Clam Chowder, good, or evil?
[/QUOTE]

Haploid, one student in one biology class makes a joke, and it is better known than My message. I used to tell people it stood for “Honky-Tonk” because of My affinity for Country Line dancing. Thank Me, that craze has gone away.

As to My actually being SSG Schwartz, you should know he is an atheist wouldn’t have the knowledge to answer these questions. Also, didn’t you learn about Faith in Sunday School? :smiley:

I cannot say anything negative about Bill Gates. Heaven is currently under contract with Microsoft. I will hand it to his sales team. We actually had to buy Gates’ soul to ensure We would have an operating system that We must update regularly. TPTB in Hell got to Steve Jobs first.

The bandwith is incredible. We do have to be able to provide Cecil the answers to the questions that no one has ever thought to ask. As an aside, We do not appreciate Rush Limbaugh using God’s name as an endorsement. Our legal team is exploring several possibilities as We speak.

Catsup, on a hot dog? Go to confession. Say 10,000 Hail Mary’s for each violated weiner you have consumed.

Clam chowder is good. Tapioca pudding is forbidden in Heaven.

Jesus H Christ

51

[QUOTE=bbs2k]
Jesus,

Is this thread going to hell?
[/QUOTE]

Do not make Me smite thee.

Jesus H Christ

52

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]
I cannot say anything negative about Bill Gates. Heaven is currently under contract with Microsoft. I will hand it to his sales team. We actually had to buy Gates’ soul to ensure We would have an operating system that We must update regularly. TPTB in Hell got to Steve Jobs first.
[/quote]

Hmm, sounds like Hell to me then, somehow I thought Heaven would want an operating system that, you know, actually works and doesn’t nag you to (un)death

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]
Catsup, on a hot dog? Go to confession. Say 10,000 Hail Mary’s for each violated weiner you have consumed.
[/quote]

Oh c’mon Big J-Man, if You know me like You claim to (being all-knowing and other delusional crap like that), You should know that I consider ketchup/catsup on a hot dog an affront to all that is Good in the world, the only True Toppings are Mustard (Gulden’s Spicy Brown), pickle relish, Chili and Sauerkraut (not all at once, obviously)

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]

Clam chowder is good. Tapioca pudding is forbidden in Heaven.

Jesus H Christ
[/QUOTE]

Yes, but there’s a difference between New England clam chowder and Manhattan Clam Chowder, one is Good, one is Pure, Unadulterated Evil, and being a New Englander, it should be obvious what is the One True Chowder, and it’s NOT Manhattan Clam Chowder, that’s for sure…

53

Bertrand Russel just contacted me, and he told me to tell you: “Why didn’t you give more evidence?”

54

I tell you, MacTech, We tried hard to not get caught up in the whole Windows thing, but Gates got Us anyway. Now We have contracted for his soul and will have him for eternity.

The hotdog catsup thing was not meant for you, but as a general advisement to all who have ever considered putting catsup on a hotdog.

As to the clam chowder, I don’t get it much in Heaven do to the shipping requirements. If you die, bring plenty with you.

[Quote=Autolycus]
Bertrand Russel just contacted me, and he told me to tell you: “Why didn’t you give more evidence?”
[/Quote]

He had too many questions and too little commitment. Who made God? Am I an atheist. I don’t mind non-believers, but make up your friggin’ mind. Also, the evidence I had for my existence was accidentally sent to Marcia Clark and has not been seen since.

Jesus H Christ

55

About that making water into wine trick you did, what kind of wine did ya make? A nice sharp shiraz? Or a cabernet sauvignon perhaps? Or did it come out like some home made plonk? What if I don’t like wine? Can you make me some beer?

Did you make booze for all the disciples all the time? Is that why they followed you around? Was that time with the disciples just a continous binge? Is that why you arrive so late, just recovered from a looong hangover?

56

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]

As to chowder If you die, bring plenty with you.

:eek:

57

Wait a minute. You’re telling me that dinosaurs were extinct when you were around? But according to these people they roamed the Earth with humans.

I’m confused. :confused:

Can you let priests get married and have sex so they’ll stop ruining childrens’ lives? Thanks mate.

58

So, how are you at pogo sticks?

Edit: Man, MacTech got my Haploid question.

59

[QUOTE=Kotick]
About that making water into wine trick you did, what kind of wine did ya make? A nice sharp shiraz? Or a cabernet sauvignon perhaps? Or did it come out like some home made plonk? What if I don’t like wine? Can you make me some beer?

Did you make booze for all the disciples all the time? Is that why they followed you around? Was that time with the disciples just a continous binge? Is that why you arrive so late, just recovered from a looong hangover?
[/QUOTE]

Wine about the quality of Boone’s Farm. What the hell, We were a bunch of guys on a four year bender. If you have ever toured with the Dead you know what I mean. No, I can’t do beer. I have tried since grade school and it doesn’t come out right. I can make a mean Shirley Temple, however.

It was hard the last couple months of the tour. I damn near slept through My own crucifixion. That would have sucked.

[Quote=chowder ]

As to chowder If you die, bring plenty with you.
[/Quote]

Sorry, chowder, but if it makes you feel any better, your death involves a hot blonde and suffocation.

[Quote=The Chao Goes Mu ]
Wait a minute. You’re telling me that dinosaurs were extinct when you were around? But according to these people they roamed the Earth with humans.

I’m confused.

Can you let priests get married and have sex so they’ll stop ruining childrens’ lives? Thanks mate.
[/Quote]

Talk about gullible. Next thing you know you will tell Me that the talking three fingered mouse in Florida can give you spiritual advice. You know where that hole 7 days creation story came from? Cain was writing a pilot for a TV show and thought that would be a good idea. We all told him no one would buy it. Somehow the script got leaked and published. Dad’s name was tagged on it, and now everybody believes in talking snakes.

As to married priests, I said celebrate. I can’t he responsible for typos. And if any priests are reading this, don’t have sex with children. Get a dog.

[Quote=E-Sabbath]
So, how are you at pogo sticks?
[/Quote]

When I saw your name, I thought I may have a real theological question. Nice try. I get it though. Jesus on a pogo stick, Jesus hopped up Christ, etc. I invented the pogo stick and the hula hoop. Heaven can get kind of boring when you are faced with eternity. My best pogo stunt is juggling while bouncing on the stick. You should see it.

Jesus H Christ

60

[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]

Sorry, chowder, but if it makes you feel any better, your death involves a hot blonde and suffocation.

OK I’ll settle for that.

Ermmm…you couldn’t make it 2 blondes could you, twins preferably