What’s your favorite hymn? Mine’s After Forever. You know, “Have you ever thought about your soul, can it be saved?”
Wait, you want priests to have sex with their dogs?
[QUOTE=chowder]
No, the second one became a Cambellite and we can’t do anything with her.
Jesus H Christ
My favorite hymm is The Who’s, “Listening to you,” but not a lot of services play that.
People would get suspicious if there were sheep in the rectory. 
Jesus H Christ
Mr. Christ
There is a radio talk show on Sunday mornings on KFI640 Am out of Los Angeles and the guy claims to be you. It’s even called “The Jesus Christ show.” Is that really you? You have a nice voice if it is.
A serious question.
How big is Heaven? I like to explore around and if I am going to be there for eternity I would hate to come to the end of Heaven in only a few quadrilion years.
Also after you come back and end this world do you guys have any plans on making more people? If you do I have a suggestion. We need a lot more variance in color for hair. I mean black, brown, red and blonde is nice but it gets boring after awhile. Colors like bright neon lavender or anime porn pink would be really cool. Thanks.
Dear Mr. Christ:
Have you ever met Xenu? If so what was he like? Was he really responsible for creating all the body thetans that cause all the world’s suffering?
Also, what is your Scientology OT level? I’m at OT Level 7.
Ah, Tahssa, My faithful disciple. It is a pleasure to answer your questions. I get confused for that guy on the radio a lot. I wish My voice was that good. I am actually the guy on South Park. I met Matt and Trey one night and they asked if I would do some appearances on their show. I was actually on the pilot. Did you see that one?
Heaven spans for all of eternity, so you can’t visit all of it in an eternity. I should know, I just sent my Mother-In-Law out to a remote part. Also, there are currently driving restrictions due to Heavenly warming. It is much harder to travel unless you have a hybrid.
Finally, I don’t make humans, at least not in that way. I will try to set you up with a job in R&D when you get here if you would like to try your hand in the neon hair department.
Jesus H Christ
Let me answer you by saying this: I am not out to disparage any religious teachings. Having said that, when you have a Sci-Fi writer telling you where mental illness comes from, you gotta ask some questions.
I tried attending a Scientology meeting once and got kicked out. I am really not sure why. Maybe it was because I didn’t have the $10,000 on me. Anyway suffice it to say Myself and Moses are the only two truly Self-Actualized people to have ever walked the Earth. But I have a better jump shot.
Jesus H Christ
Dear Messiah,
A lot of people are curious about how they’re going to die. Not me, I already know (planned/faked).
How about the guy you’re communicating to us with though, SSG Schwartz?
Please tell me it’s messy.
I wish I could, but he might read this.
Aww, what the hell, I’ll put it in a spoiler box and he will never figure that out.
Hot twin blondes and suffocation
Jesus H Christ
Wait, so you’re married?
Who’s the lucky woman?
Her name is Mary and her stories were burned in the 3rd century. Too bad, I say. The story of O got nothing on her.
SSG Schwartz
Right let’s get serious here.
WTF were you doing when Hitler was killing all those people in the camps? huh, huh?
…and Pol Pot, Stalin,Mao Tse Tung to name just a few of the less pleasant bastards that have occupied time
Hey, give the guy a break, he was on a four year long bender, then he got crucified and has just recovered from a 2000 year long hangover. Besides, Hitler et al obviously didn’t get the message.
In this regard I want to ask, why should the meek inherit the earth? Hitler et al usually prove otherwise.
Why are the cheesemakers so blessed?
If I may, people who make cheese deserved to be blessed.
Apologies JC but you weren’t around
An add on question…
Is it really only cheesemakers who are blessed or do you really mean all makers of fermented curd?
Hey, WTF were you doing when Saddam was killing all those people? Ever been to Rwanda? Seriously, I been taking a break recovering from the party. The Second Coming is going to be hell. I have to judge every person who ever lived and is still living. You just know people will be cutting in line and pushing and shoving and shit.
Kotick, Shirley Ujest, thanks for bringing that up. That was My favorite sermon. I wish I could remember the name of the kid that wrote that one. I wasn’t writing a lot back then. Drinking a lot though. Anyway, Kotick, to the point. Nobody has inherited anything. My Dad will issue out the rewards after I reclaim the earth. I think that whole inheriting the Kingdom of Heaven thing My legal team will have to look at.
Cheesemakers, Shirley? Don’t buy your Bible from the Dollar Tree is all I gotta say 'bout that.
Dragwyr, if it was up to Me, it would be no. I am lactose intolerant after all.
Jesus H Christ
[QUOTE=SSG Schwartz]
Hey, WTF were you doing when Saddam was killing all those people?
Don’t get all evasive with me pal.
You’re the son of Og not me, WTF could I do about Saddam?.
You on the other hand could have dealt out smitings galore to him and the rest of the twats I mentioned in my original post.
So come on let’s be having a straight answer.
Sheesh
Yeah, but could you make a rock so big that Chuck Norris couldn’t lift it?
And what the heck does 14 k of g in a f p d stand for?
Dear Messiah:
If ye wish to cross the bridge of death
Answer me these questions three,
'ere the other side ye see.
What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?