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Just thought I’d say I admire you and am impressed with the resolve I’ve seen in your other threads. I look forward to you answering more questions, but have none of my own.
I agree. If your description is accurate, its sounds as if the police simply didn’t want to be bothered, for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine. Very disappointing.
Fried, I think you are bold as hell for starting this thread. I mean, think of the dumb questions or comments you will endure ("derp, why is your name ‘ho’ then?). Bold of you.
I used to really wonder why is it that some folks go their entire lives not being molested once, while others say they have been molested and raped several times. I wondered it, but dared not ask it. Now, I see you saying that you developed early, and I can’t believe that thought never occured to me as a possible reason.
Hi Fried Dough. By the way, your name makes me hungry every time I see it! I admire your strength - I’m not sure I could have endured what you have and keep my sanity. I think I recall you mentioning in other threads having been in an abusive marriage, too? I’m curious how your previous rape and abuse experiences played into that. And I congratulate you for getting out of it!
Have you ever been able to have a “healthy” sexual relationship since all this? You seem so strong, and having had therapy I’m hoping it helped you find a happy partnership down the road.
You are very brave for doing this. This is not a friendly place for these types of discussions. I hope it goes better for you than I think it will, and it if doesn’t, I hope you aren’t hurt by the responses.
I doubt I will be reading this; I have learned to avoid these kinds of talks on this board because they bother me, and I lose respect for people I want to like, but I wanted to let you know that I think you are very courageous and I support you.
Seconded.
You say “you began an affair” with the teacher. In retrospect, would you say he was the one that took the initiative, and sort of led you into thinking that you were? Or is it fair to say that you pursued him? Not, of course, that it makes any difference in terms of his responsibility to reject advances (or not initiate advances!) but I’m curious to know if your perspective on events has changed with time.
I have the honour to know FDH in Real Life. She is Awesome.
I have been raped: I could not have started this thread.
Second this remark, and Nzinga’s.
I echo the messages of support. What you’ve had to endure is unimagineable. I admire your strength and courage. I had two questions : You’d noted the ethnicity of the first rapist only, I think. Was that significant in some way? Secondly, how have these experiences affected your abilty to trust people and engage in frienships/relationships? I’d imagine it’d be hard not to hate men or even mankind in general.
My girlfriend of the last 16 months has mentioned on two different occassions that she was once raped. I have yet to come to any terms about how to handle this. The idea that something like this has happened to her breaks my heart. I’m also at a loss for words as to what to say or should I say/ask anything? To be honest, a big part of me doesn’t even want to know the details for various reasons.
Opinions?
In the intervening time between 16 and today, have you taken any self defense classes?
I developed early and have never been molested or raped. While it may play a part, I can’t believe it’s a determining factor.
Surly, who was wearing a C-cup bra in 4th grade.
Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that all early developers are molested.
ETA: It’s just that, I often felt…skeptical when folks told me that they had been raped or molested multiple times. I know how offensive that is to someone who is opening up about something so personal, so of course I would never, ever admit to them that I am skeptical; but I was. The fact that some girls develop early at least puts a new light on the subject for me.
I want to add to the chorus of support.
I have a question and am struggling to find the most respectful way of asking it…
From what you describe, it sounds as though your mother considered parenting rather inconvenient, to say the least. Would you say that this has had something to do with at least the second incident, where you report that you got involved with the teacher partially out of wanting some love and support? Do you still have a relationship with your mother?
I have not been raped, but you could treat it like any other painful episode. What did you say when she mentioned it? Next time she mentioned it, stop what you are doing, and ask, “Do you want to talk about it?” Her reaction to the question will tell you a lot…
If she says, “It happened, I’m over it, it’s not a big deal.” Your response? “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about it, I’m sorry it happened to you, I love you.”
If she says, “Yes, I would,” listen. And follow her cues.
If she throws something at you and says “How could you think I ever wanted to talk to you about anything?” or reacts otherwise hostile, remain calm above all else, especially if this behavior is totally uncharacteristic of her. Reassure her you love her, that you are not attacking, that you want to help, etc.
If she says, “I am not ready yet,” hug her, tell her you’ll be there when she wants to talk, and assure her it doesn’t change your perception of her.
Honestly the fact that she has brought it up twice makes me feel like she wants to talk about it.
MeanJoe, particularly if you live in a large city or university town, there may be services for friends and loved ones of sexual assault survivors (both to help you support her and to help you support yourself), or survivor services that can provide resources on how to be supportive of your girlfriend.
In the meantime, here are a few web-based resources: http://www.care.uci.edu/General/Sexual-Assault---How-to-Support.aspx
http://www.sfwar.org/pdf/ss.pdf
How To Support a Survivor of Sexual Abuse | Overcoming Sexual Abuse
Fried Dough Ho, I respect you for not just surviving and persevering, but being willing to openly talk about it. I have seen in previous threads about sexual attack/sexual harrassment, that Dopers (and people in general) are somewhat in denial about how common this sort of thing is. I saw a lot of comments of “Oh, well, it wasn’t a big deal” or “Surely this sort of thing doesn’t happen THAT often!”
I have fortunately never been raped. I was, however, subjected to long-term sexual molestation, and when I told my mother the first time, I wasn’t believed. I have also been cat-called, verbally harassed, groped, brutally attacked with a crowbar, and on one occasion, I am 99% certain that a man intended to drag me into his vehicle before I turned and fled. I am 25 years old. I hate to think that I have 50 or 60 more years of this ahead of me.
What happened to me and you was not a result of our ‘budding sexualities’ tempting men into abusing us, it was because we were alone and vulnerable and they figured they could attack or rape us and get away with it. They’re predators, sick sumbitches.
Do you now have a satisfying sex life? Do you sometimes pull away from your partner because of “flashbacks”? Or are you able to compartmentalize?