I think she is better suited than you to determine whether “legitimate love” was involved, but it looks to me as if he used her to get what he wanted-nothing “legitimate” on his part at all.
I was wondering the exact same thing.
Agree with the first point. I hope this thread is less offensive to me than I am anticipating, but either way I’ll be reading and rooting for FDH.
As for the second - I think this can be a factor in the victimization of young girls, but it’s not a defining one IMO. I have had 4 female friends share with me the details of the sexual abuse and/or rapes they endured at an early age (by which I mean before they were 15-16 years old), and only one was an early developer with a ‘womanly’ figure. Two of the others were in fact late bloomers and flat-chested, etc at the time of their victimization.
I have never been raped, and I’m immensely thankful. For whatever reason I’ve almost never been a victim in any sense of the word, and I’ve yet to figure out exactly why. Part of it I think is that I was more likely to be the bully than the bullied, growing up. But I think that the main factor in whether or not a rape occurs is that a victim is in the presence of a rapist. It’s as simple as that. I’ve physically been in a position where a man could more easily force himself on me hundreds of times (alone and/or intoxicated - I am very small and don’t have much of a chance fighting off an average-sized man), and yet there wasn’t a rapist there, so it’s never happened.
She likes to make stuff up for attention?
Didn’t you say you are done with me. in Christianity: Why did Jesus leave in the first place? Why not just stay after the resurrection? - Great Debates - Straight Dope Message Board
post # 42
If you don’t mind and even if you do, I’d like Fried Dough Ho reply, not yours
What an odd question (and response).
I have sexual violence in my past, and sometimes refer to myself as a “handbag whore”. That doesn’t mean I actually turn tricks for handbags (in fact, all 3 Chanels and however-many Coaches were bought for myself, thank you very much).
You are familiar with the “ho” figure of speech, to denote something one is partial to, right?
A post in MPSIMS is not the appropriate venue for veiled accusations of trollery. If you don’t believe her, either contact the mods with the posts that lead you to believe she is, or start a Pit thread.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
@ Lorene.
The thread is clearly calling for questions concerning experiences the OP has faced. My question is legitimate, that is, why would a person who suffered as the OP has suffered call herself a Ho? (in her user name) Ho is a derogatory term for a female of less than good repute and doesn’t seem to fit the OP in the least. Fair question I believe.
First off, thank you all for your support and encouragement.
Matt_Mcl ~ About being believed… My mother (and her father) were alcoholics and there was a repeated pattern – in my mother’s intoxicated state – of claiming that I made up incidents to get attention. When my mother accused me making up the incident with the teacher, she said, “I bet you made up the other rape too!” My father (who came to pick me up at the hospital and verified the incident), was appalled.
It was the Statutory Rape and not being believed by my peers that was far more hurtful. These were people I had established relationships with and the charisma that the teacher held was astonishing. When Bill Clinton looked into the camera and stated, “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinski,” I cried because I knew exactly how Monica felt.
I actually only had ONE friend in high school who believed and stood by me. We are still friends. Since then, one person has approached me (via Facebook) who apologized for how I was treated by the masses. To have that acknowledgment meant the world to me and the important thing in anybody who claims an assault, BELIEVE them until proven otherwise.
Morgenstern ~ Non sequitur reference to my user name. It is simply my love of fried goodies taken to an extreme. And having experienced a life full of sexual violence – or any violence – some tend to deal with it best by laughing at what life throws at us.
Kanicbird ~ Yes, your scenario is decidedly plausible. And the violation of trust I had in my parents to take care of me as well.
SeaDragonTattoo ~ Frankly, no - I have never really had a “healthy” sexual relationship. Having left high school earlier than I should have, I adopted a rather promiscuous lifestyle. Years of therapy made me realize at the time I had the idea that I must be a worthwhile person if a guy was “willing to sleep with me.” I know, the logic makes no sense but neither did the time or my lack of self-confidence. I married young (age of 20) to the first guy who told me he loved me – thinking he would be the only one who could ever love me. Five years into my marriage, I came home early from work one day and found my husband in a People Puddle with three other men. My next relationship was with a transvestite. I bargained with myself that although he preferred women’s clothes, at least he liked sex with a woman. That relationship involved a great deal of BDSM as well. I had two subsequent relationships but no other marriages or even the potential for one.
Bricker ~ At the time of the relationship with the Teacher, I thought myself worldly and mature - able to handle the situation like an adult. I did not pursue him but felt “it just happened.” It was after our relationship ended and I learned he approached a 14-year old girl that my perspective changed.
Mo50 ~ Oddly, I am an overtly friendly and affectionate person. Like Polyanna, I like to believe the best in people and it HAS backfired on me. It is only my last two years on internet dating sites that has made it much more difficult for me to have a positive outlook on men. By-and-large, the friendships I develop are strong and quite long-lasting.
MeanJoe ~ Just accept your girlfriend for who and what she is. You can offer to be a sounding board IF she ever wants it and if she declines, you just hold her and tell her that’s okay too. That it does not change how you feel about her one iota.
Enderw24 ~ Yes. I have taken self-defense classes.
More answers in the next box…
Thank you for your answer Fried Dough. I’m definitely glad there is no hidden meaning with respect to your virtue. You’re not at fault, the jerks who attacked you are. Period.
Lorene ~ Both of my parents have passed away. I have two sisters who are 9 and 12 years older than me; one moved out when I was barely 5 (the summer of '69 to go to Woodstock) and the other was married when I was 9 myself. I was essentially an only child from that age on and I believe my mother felt her own life was “wasted” raising children.
**TDN **~ I am currently single and celibate. I haven’t had a date in almost a year because the previous two years of internet dating were so catastrophically bad (8 First Dates). I am holding out for a “real” relationship. I have had to pull away from partners but usually because he is not cognizant of the fact that he is into the act wholly and entirely by himself and that I am just a vehicle for his pleasure. When I am an active participant, there has been no problem.
A caveat, however. Like many rape victims, I have engaged in BDSM and other kink-related activities.
Classy. :rolleyes:
Excuse my ignorance, but what is a People Puddle?
OP, how rough was the neighborhood you grew up in? I ask because I literally cannot conceive of there being a dark alleyway or being unattended for a period of time in which someone could even have had the opportunity to rape me at a young age. I believe I was always supervised in some capacity until I was in high school.
Like many dopers though, I’ve been groped against my will as an adult - never held down violently, but I did have to push the offender’s hand away and raise my voice on several occasions. I can’t imagine they get the ideas from anywhere but movies, where women “say” no but “mean” yes.
I could easily have been raped or abducted* as a child because I took public transportation home each day and walked a pretty good distance from the bus stop. I went by several alleys and the whole area was fairly sparsely traveled. It would have been very easy to pull me aside and never have anyone drive by while it happened.
- twice I had people try to get me into their cars using lies. I’m pretty sure I’d have ended up dead/raped if I would have gotten into those cars. I mean seriously, what possible good intent can you have when you say “I know where you live, I’ll give you a ride?” to a 3rd grader walking down the side of the road?
I’m not going to go into my sexual abuse history, but, yeah, I agree, a perp and a victim together, where the perp thinks he (she occasionally, but it’s unusual) won’t get caught…
With me, all of it happened from ages 4-10.
I look on the positive side of having post-traumatic stress disorder. I’m not paranoid, just really attuned to my environment, and really intently focused on potential threats to my well-being. I have reflexes like nobody’s business-unfortunately these days my shooting hand gets the shakes…I do lift weights, and I have taken martial arts in the past. I can kick you in the nose if you aren’t fast enough to get out of the way, but am more likely to go for the kneecap break attempt as an appetizer.
Besides that, when you always sit in the back of a public space, facing as many entry points as possible, you get a good view of things, you know?
I also went through a hypersexuality period…in which I found willing men much easier to find than willing women…am now partnered with a woman for 8 years. The rocks in her head fit the holes in mine pretty well-and vice-versa.
I’m working on what seems to be my current defining problem-risk aversion: that is, I’m reluctant to take any kind of calculated risk-like find a better job, or go into debt in order to finish college…because I’m convinced I’ll end up homeless with a mountain of debt I can never repay, and all my stuff in a fricken shopping cart. Basically, I not only know what the worst thing that can happen is, I assume it’s almost guaranteed. I need to figure out how not to keep towing around that shopping cart.
Sorry to use your thread for my story, FDH, but, well, it seemed to vaguely fit here…and I’m sorry all that crap happened to you.
I was largely unsupervised when not at school from the age of 4 or 5 onward (in several different environments including the boonies and around city limits of North East Philadelphia). Nothing bad ever happened to me - there were a couple incidents where I believe something could have, but I trusted my instincts at the time and got the hell out of there…
Apologies for the vernacular; a People Puddle is a euphemism for group sex. My husband was having sex with three other men. All I saw in the middle of my living room was almost 800 pounds of male flesh going at each other.
It was not a dark alleyway at all - it was a semi-main street in a suburban town at 7:30 a.m. in the morning. I was walking to school because there was no school bus service to get me as I was the only student living in that part of town. But it was a street lined with cheap apartments, sitting atop open garages. That was why there was someone who witnessed the end of the incident; he was leaving to go to work and his car was parked in said garage.
I really wish I could come up with something insightful and intelligent to say, but all I’ve got is the intense desire to come over and hug you.
So consider yourself hugged through the Internet, or something along those lines–I can’t even begin to imagine your bravery.
That is very, very sweet of you. And all of you – again – many thanks.
I don’t consider myself brave; I just am and I’ve survived a ton of shit (including the Northridge earthquake which had me homeless for 4 1/2 months).
But I truly appreciate the kind thoughts and words from those who appreciate the timbre of the thread and my humble offerings. Really.
If this is the case then the anger you feel likely misplaced. You were hurting, and isolated from your piers, and from your parents. There was no healing love to comfort you that you come get from either. So love came from a source you could accept, a older more mature person, as you stated you felt more mature.
If that relationship was healing and he was really caring of you from his heart then that was true love. The problem was with societal rules that made your only source of healing love forbidden. It was the rules that instilled guilt and fear in him, that broke up your relationship.
You were also given societal rules, that he used his position of authority to take advantage of you, to turn you into his victim in your mind, and give a target of anger, instead of just having a normal healthy loving relationship with someone who cared about you.
Again this is all ‘if this be the case’, then your anger should be against the rules set up that stopped that flow of healing love.
I believe you were both victims in case #2.
Also the violation of trust from your parents seems like a potential root issue.