The bold is mine.
The relationship ended when I found out he was married. I felt that yet another trust was abused.
She was under age and he was in a position of authority over her, and you posit that the only thing really wrong was that society got in the way?
It’s no surprise that the teacher scenario was more hurtful than the other two situations. Being pulled into an alley by a stranger is worlds away from someone with authority over you recklessly using your tender self for their own gratification. You have every right to be angry - that person abused you right to the core - you were supposed to be able to trust him, and in your position you really needed trustworthy people around you, you were vulnerable and he worked on that in the worst way. You became a social pariah and couldn’t finish school because of your teacher! The fact that the head and deputy were also fired shows how deeply the grooming had gone.
Ugh, good god.
Ahh, I see. Combination of semi-seedy housing along with the fact no other kids walked to school :(. Sounds like a recipe for disaster - if there were lots of other people around, you’d think they’d be less likely to strike.
Ah, interesting. All of my friends, regardless of class (though none in true poverty) had constant supervision. Playing outside meant playing at a friend’s house, with a babysitter or parent or grandparent. My younger brother (the middle child) did not, although my mom thought the friend’s house he was going to was supervised at the time. As a result, he got into all sorts of trouble that in many ways still resonate today.
Fried Dough, can I ask why you did the thread? Was it for closure of sorts, so people here knew your history? Was it just to shed light on what you feel (and I agree) is a closed-off experience, that many don’t understand or give sympathy to? Is this to help your healing in any way?
Part of it came about because of several other threads which have existed lately wherein the concept of rape was being debated:
The posting of a rape on Facebook
The debate if prostitutes and porn stars have been abused as children
I don’t need closure – although it has helped me evaluate our current single life – I thought if there was an open discuss about rape from someone, not only would it help other rape victims who aren’t able to discuss their experience but elucidate to some what happens to rape victims later in life.
FDH, you said you didn’t know why you were so often assaulted. Have you ever heard of the Grayson/Stein Study? Psychologists asked convicted perps (rapists and other assaulters) to watch videos of passers by, and asked them which ones they would have selected as victims. The video’s were then analyzed to see what these " victims" had in common.
I have mentioned my BFF here before. Like you, she has been assaulted often. I believe her; I’ve seen instances of it when she was with me, even. Yet, people never picked on me the same way. We are both pretty, and my boobs are bigger.
But the Graysons study explains a lot; my friend used to move very awkwardly due to loose ligaments.
/me peeks in and sets a Caffeinated-Beverage-of-her-Choice + two warm blueberry cake doughnuts in front of FDH 
Maastricht ~ That IS fascinating. And might explain a lot. I think I have changed a lot over the years but could definitely see myself in that stance 25 years ago.
RedWood ~ :wub: DreamFluff, huh? Have you tried Dynamo yet? Their Earl Grey studded with Strawberries is STUNNING!
I postulate she NEEDED healing, and that can only come through Love to touch and heal her heart. At the time the only source of Love that she could accept that close to her heart was from a more mature man, and Love used that path available. Love does not follow any rules, and the rules we impose on Love only delay our healing. Now the marriage he had was obviously not working, and he needed Love also, which he got from this relationship. Marriage4 often traps people from receiving Love they need, but restricting them when the marriage is not loving.
This is just IMHO, but this 2nd case is not what it seems on the surface, I do believe he cared for her, a form of true Love. The rules man imposed, statutory and marriage over strained the relationship it and broke that connection. *** If ***there was Love between the 2 it was unquestionable a societally imposed forbidden love.
I also believe it is the rules and laws of society that have turned these 2 against each other, having them blame each other, get angry with each other, while it is societies restriction on Love that is to blame.
I have not… and it’s about time to find out if I can consume Earl Grey again.
Shall we make a date? 
She was raped, and you are giving the worst advice possible to her. Please stop.
You know kanicbird, I wonder if you might be going to a counselor.
If you do, do me a small favor and show this thread to the counselor.
Ask what he/she thinks about the various posters; don’t identify who you are.
Just ask which of the posters seem to be honest and caring, and which are self-absorbed and full of themselves.
The Teacher did not love me. There was no “True Love” as Kanicbird postulates. His marriage was not working because he was a deceiver and cheater and abuser of children. Kanicbird, you are nuts if you think there was “True Love” between us.
I was deluded into thinking this man cared about me when, in fact, he was bragging to the Principal and Vice Principal about his conquest of me. Is that love? Not hardly.
Healing? Where can there be healing from the first rape of violence with a second rape of deception? I was deceived and used far more cruelly by the Teacher than by the other Perps because his deceit was so masterful and self-aggrandizing that a force of society stood behind him to the point of me being ostracized by all I knew and thought were my friends.
That point in my life was one of my lowest, full of suicide attempts and the belief that I was doomed to a life of degradation and abuse. From that point, I married the first man who told me he loved me because I couldn’t believe enough in myself to think that ANY man could ever truly love me.
Does any of this make sense?
You’re gross and you certainly aren’t helping. You sound like some creepy old dude trying to justify his new 18 year old girlfriend. It’s just sick.
It does make sense, and yes I can see that pattern bringing someone very low, and making them feel so unworthy, I had a similar pattern in my life.
Having the statement of abuser of children does add another element to it. Did he have any children of his own at that time?
But this statement:
Does not fully relate, one does not negate the other. We are not perfect, we can love someone, yet feel pressured to cut them down in front of others. Is it true love, yes, it is of the heart, but then the mind and fear kicks in and overrides the heart.
In a common example, a child that is considered geeky or other may have someone befriend them when they are alone, they cut them down in front of others to be acceptable in the peer group. The befriending is real, it is a form of love, yet peer pressure, the longing to be seen as a member of the group, and not be ostracized is very strong, and overrides the heart. It is very cruel to the ‘geeky’ child, and confusing as he gets what he is longing for (finally a friend), then that friend is removed for no reason he can see or understand. It is the stopping of love that is the problem, not the befriending.
That teachers defense mechanism, the way to silence any questions, and maintain his standing in his peer group, may be to boldly state it, brag about it, to shut down opposition.
Only you can know if the time you spent with him together was loving and caring, if he opened his heart to you at the time of the affair. If you say there was no love, no true caring, then as you say he was a deceiver and I will accept that. If there was real caring, wanting to take the pain of the past event away, then I would consider that a form of love.
Why would that be a factor? He did, actually, but very young children; pre-teens.
He did as many men who commit infidelity do: Express a sentiment of, “My wife doesn’t understand me the way you do…” And as one who has had that line fed to me more times than I can say, I now know from experience just what bullshit it is. But to be told that at the age of 17, made me believe it was far more than it was.
He “opened his heart” with a series of lies which, when discovered, unraveled into more lies and deceits which had been told to others. As a pathological liar, he tried to “fix” his situation with more lies. The situation which occurred was such a big deal at the time that it was a news story on national news. I had relatives calling my parents to ask if we knew who the unnamed under-aged girl was involved in the scandal.
The Teacher gave public interviews that he was being targeted and that his accuser was delusional and fantasized the entire relationship. And with the exception of a VERY SMALL handful of people, the entire community in which I lived believed him.
That is not love. That is abuse.
kanicbird, I think you’re trying to be helpful in your own way, really - but it does sound like you’re trying to get the OP and others to empathize with a teacher who has had sex (or tried) with more than one of his underage students. That’s not really helpful here.
Thank Heavens for small handfuls. It shows how powerful his deception really was.
:: passes round Belgian chocolates ::
Fried Dough Ho Do you wonder how your life could have taken a different turn if you hadn’t had these hurdles to jump? The people puddle thing would have driven me spare, the shock of realizing you didn’t know that person at all, that again you were being used and deceived - I’m supposing you had no idea.
My sister-in-law worked with sex offenders as a social worker and she said one of their traits was to bend the conversation around to try to get you to agree with their views in the hopes of being able to do a kind of “gottcha” thing. In their own minds they are able to justify their perversions.