LOL! this sounds like me at 14yrs old.
Yeah. This is why sometimes kids are advised to take up boxing, or martial arts. A person who knows s/he is physically fit and capable of defending him/herself will walk differently, and carry him/herself differently, than someone who thinks or knows that s/he would lose any physical fight.
I’ve had more than one person comment that I look like I will be able to take care of myself in a fight. These days, I walk with a stick or cane, but apparently I give off an aura of “mess with me and you WILL get hurt”. They say I just give off a vibe of self-confidence, even though it’s obvious that I’m mobility impaired now. I think it comes from my habit of carrying a knife with me, because when I was in grade and middle school, I was frequently targeted by bullies, until I started carrying a knife with me. I admit, I was looking for an excuse to use it…and I think that attitude change also changed the way I carried myself.
The darkness and sadness was definitely more prevalent in solitude. I was better, more functional and happier in groups of friends who treated me normally (i.e., not like a China doll that could shatter).
Even now, I have a harder time with solitude as the mind takes me to places that can spiral into foreboding grief.
In Spain they’ve done similar things on occasion.
I’ve never walked shuffling or anything like that, but I have a minor limp (most people don’t even notice it consciously) and I’m picked as “a person to ask for directions” even more often than I’ve been picked as “someone whose ass is up for grabs”. One of my brothers postulated that I simply look like an approachable, open person and skewed people take that as a license to inflict their skewed ways on me.
Re. the hurt being greater when it’s someone you know, it was so in my case. In those instances where the people involved including women, that also made me feel worse, it was as if I was being betrayed by my own side.
What I know about some of the people who tried to abuse me was that they had broken notions of love, you could say that they were looking for love in all the wrong ways. Specifically I’m talking about those who had themselves been abused (and at least in one case, one of the abusers had been the guy’s own mother).
I don’t find this to be odd. I was raped once at age 29 by a home invader, and I’ve always had the sense that in some ways I got off easy — yes, there was an explicit threat of death, and yes, it was a viscerally traumatizing experience (I still have an overdeveloped startle reflex, a decade later) – but I was assaulted only, never betrayed, not by anyone.
I would, however, want to kick in the face of the bastard who raped me if I were to see him again. This is actually a step up in the anger department for me; originally the fantasy was much more thorough.
Kudos to you for doing this, I think – it’s a shame that rape is so misunderstood.
I have to respond to this despite not being the OP: Please ask her about it again and listen openly to whatever she has to say. I mentioned in my last comment that I was betrayed by no one with respect to the time I was raped; that includes friends and family also. But they, particularly my then-boyfriend, now-husband, did let me down in one significant sense – most of them were never able to listen to me talk about it all at length, and I really needed to talk. Given she’s brought it up twice, that’s probably the case for her too.
Obviously I understand and can sympathize with the mindset that doesn’t want to or can’t handle hearing the details – I married my husband, right? – but that doesn’t make it less of a failing of his, that he couldn’t bear to listen. It shouldn’t have been about him, and it shouldn’t be about you. I encourage you to let her talk.
I thought this should be repeated. It’s not an easy thing to come right out and say, “Hey, I really need to talk about my rape. Will you sit here and listen?” Having somebody show they care and show they’re willing to listen would be a gift I never got, unless I count aforementioned crappy therapist. IME, usually when people hear someone has been raped they don’t really respond much and imply through their discomfort that they don’t want to hear about it. That just sort of reinforces the isolation and pain. Being able to discuss it openly is better because that helps with processing feelings and reassuring the survivor that being hurt isn’t something to be ashamed of.
One of the problems talking about rape experiences is that listeners can feel total rage, it’s a normal reaction, but it is almost always scary for the person trying to vent their feelings. There was a thread in the pit a while back with someone (sorry, can’t remember his name) whose dear friend was raped. It was really comforting to see the number of men who responded with advice about how to channel the rage.
Indeed. The evidence suggests that despite common misconceptions, while the type of trauma may differ, the trauma associated with stranger rape is not greater than that associated with acquaintance rape, and, in fact, acquaintaince rape may be associated with higher levels of PTSD.
While acquaintaince rape tends to be, on average, less physically violent, it also is accompanied with a greater sense of betrayal. And victims of stranger rape tend to have a more reliable support system - circles of friends are not asked to take sides, the victim is much more likely to be believed, people are less likely to believe the victim of stranger rape ‘asked for it’, the victim of acquaintance rape is more likely to be in situations where the assailant and assault itself are brought back to her mind.
JoseB
I agree with this wholeheartedly. The problem with acquaintance rape is that acquaintances are people you see often, and thus you are reminded of the violation over and over again. How are you supposed to react to seeing this person repeatedly? You want to attack them verbally(or even physically) but doing so makes you look irrational, on the other hand acting calm and collected makes it look as if that nothing really traumatizing actually happened. You have to rearrange where you go, what you do and who you do it with, while your rapist goes on as if nothing happened because that is in his best interest, publicity-wise.
Were your parents ever physically abusive?
Have you tried to find out what happened to the rapists?
If you could take revenge on these people would you?
Do you have issues with food?
In dealing with other victims, do you see commonalities?
How do you feel about the term rape survivor instead of rape victim?
Were your parents ever physically abusive? ~ My mother was an emotionally abusive alcoholic later in my teens, but neither were ever physically abusive.
Have you tried to find out what happened to the rapists? ~ Unfortunately, because of Facebook, a handful of my high school peers (I won’t call them friends) have tried to contact me and I could see the Teacher listed as a friend of theirs. That one has been the most disturbing because I knew his name and, yes, I can see what he has done with his life over the last 29 years. I never knew the names of the other three Rapists.
If you could take revenge on these people would you? ~ No, for a number of a reasons. A) I believe in Karma and my attackers will suffer at some point (although the Teacher seems to be living a full life with love and success); B) I’m slightly afraid that any retribution I inflict would be the kind that could land me in jail.
Do you have issues with food? ~ Actually, yes. My entire family does. My two older sisters are morbidly obese and it seems I have lived my entire life carrying an extra 20 or 30 pounds. The only time I was Barbie Doll thin (and with my bosom, I DO look like a Barbie Doll), was after the Northridge earthquake when I was homeless and living off a single 12" Submarine sandwich a day.
In dealing with other victims, do you see commonalities? ~ Yes and No. In some ways, I believe I have handled what has happened to me better than many. Even after the first rape – in the hospital – I was rather matter-of-fact about what occurred. I was not hysterical and only cried and broke down when I was alone, later.
How do you feel about the term rape survivor instead of rape victim? ~ A very interesting question… I look at life differently, I think. Life is survival. Every single day, everybody “survives” but not everybody is a victim. I survived the Northridge earthquake (when several in the home next to me died). I do not feel I was a victim of the earthquake, despite the tragedy that ensued, because it was not inflicted upon ME as a person; it was a natural occurrence. In being raped, I was victimized by fellow human beings. Because I was deliberately hurt by men, there is little exaltation in the concept of survival. “Survival” is a positive thing and I don’t see my continued existence after the attacks as positive - it just IS.
What kind of sub?
Was there ever a point after the first rape where you thought of your life as worth living?
Did the rape as an adult affect you differently than the one as a teenager?
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone’s life as a rape counselor?
What kind of sub? ~ That is to be determined by my Dom. 
Was there ever a point after the first rape where you thought of your life as worth living? ~ Different vernacular; I believe Life is worth living for the adventure but simply don’t cherish that existence as others do to the extent that I don’t fear death. In the life-and-death situations in which I have been in (near fatal car accidents and the earthquake), I sort of shrug my shoulders and think, “okay, this is it.” But there is no fear of death.
Did the rape as an adult affect you differently than the one as a teenager? ~ There was less immediate emotional hurt; just a compounding of the continual hurt I have inflicted upon myself all these years. In some ways – although this may sound harsh – it was a confirmation of the instilled “I deserve this because I am not a good person” sensibility. That is one of the pervasive emotions which exist from rape victims: We deserve(d) what happens(ed) to us because we are not worthy.
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone’s life as a rape counselor? ~ I have been told I have and I would like to believe I have. I know of other counselors who embrace and enjoy life more than I do which is why I don’t counsel anymore. I do not want my own philosophies to seep through.
Whoa, these would be the same peers who had bad mouthed you when the situation came to light with the teacher?
I find this interesting and wonder if they now, as adults, might realize looking back that hey, it was an adult in an authority position taking advantage of a minor.
Granted, they have him as one of their ‘friends’, so probably not. I assume they simply ignored the fact that you were treated poorly?
Yes. Quite frankly, this fact is relatively new (in the past week or so) and more hurtful than I thought it would be.
There was an occasion several months ago when I bumped into another Teacher who was there at the the school at the same time. He recognized me, but I didn’t recognize him. We talked briefly about “the incident” and he had no idea how bad the peer assault was or how I ultimately had been treated. All he knew was that I somewhat disappeared and in his memory, thought I was mature enough “to handle it.” So even another adult believed in my mental maturity moreso than it really existed. This makes me believe that the rest believe as he did.
I’m sorry. 
The situation makes me very angry on your behalf, not only at the teacher and the school but at peers who had belittled you even now apparently not realizing the truth…
Did you have the same sub every day or was it a different sub every day?
Do you feel that you have given the rapists the power to determine how you feel about yourself?
**Did you have the same sub every day or was it a different sub every day? **~ I’m sure I chose a different flavor every day. Is this germane for some reason?
Do you feel that you have given the rapists the power to determine how you feel about yourself? ~ Not at all. How I feel about myself is simply a product of the entire road upon which I have traveled.