I respect people to seek their happiness, however this does not fall into my own definition of one. I’m sure post op that there are some who are hot enough, but it’s something that as of now just, for lack of a better term, gives me the willies. I mean, I’m not putting it out of the realm of possibility, who knows - that might end up floating my boat. I doubt it, but it could happen.
Yes, or at least I do. Especially when I was living in a dying industrial town that had a murder rate of once every week or so. It was hard enough to go out during the day–the chance of getting harassed was pretty high–and I definitely know I’m too weak to fight off anyone determined to rape me.
Of course, now I live in “The Safest City in the Nation” so it doesn’t bother so much now.
Thanks for the answer. Very honest of you!
Now tell me how I can discern between a guy who thinks he has a chance (don’t they always think that?) and one who knows he doesn’t! In my experience, guys are content to be your friend only for a while, then they kind of drop away once they realize you’re truly not interested in them, that it wasn’t some playing-hard-to-get scheme. Is this common, or have I just encountered a few bad apples?
What AHunter3 said: there’s not a rock-solid guarantee than you’ll get my answers from every guy you meet. That being said:
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Telling a guy you’re gay: Depending on the way things are, I MIGHT start thinking he’s weird if he doesn’t talk about women in SOME way. Once I find out he’s gay, that would explain it and it would be ok, since I’d rather have him be that that have suffered through some terrible romantic trauma. I’d suggest you mention it if if comes up naturally. Obviously you shouldn’t go out of your way to hide it from people you trust. Just ease into it, depending on the guy.
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Two women haveing sex is hot for many reasons. One, you get more bang for your buck, since there’s more to see. Two, it still seems somehow deliciously perverted. Some latent homophobia making it hotter? I can live with that!
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Mad and Frustrated? Naw, for the straight man hope springs eternal. I can imagine myself having sex with some attractive young lady, and it might just happen. We never think there won’t be any sex, it could be just around the next corner!
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Thinking about being female: I’d never want the cramps, and the remembering to take the Pill, and wearing high heels. It just seems like women have to deal with more crap than men do, so no thanks. From a physical standpoint, though, I could spend a few days as a woman, just for grins. Probably be a lesbian, though, since I’m afraid I’m just not openminded yet to want to deal with the memory of having sex with a guy. I’d definitely try a few toys, though.
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Transexxual…hmm…I’m sorry, but again I’m afraid at this point I wouldn’t be ready for that type of relationship. Hell, most guys have enough issues with their own dicks that knowing someone else had theirs taken off* causes the involuntary leg-crossing.
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Yeah, some guys will hang around and play friend on the hopes of bettering their chances of getting in your pants. This can be a tough role to play, since you’re constantly hearing about some other guy’s sucesses and failures, and being amazed at the girl’s inability to see the treasure in front of her i.e. you.
Also, 99% of guys think they have a chance. Unless he’s in a relationship or you are, or some other similar circumstance, he’s thought about sex with you at least once. He may still hang around, and be a genuinely good friend, but he’s thought about it. It’s a rare guy who will “know” he doesn’t have a chance. It’s hard to tell the diffirence, and I’m sorry that you fell victim to the bad apples.
Ok, I sleep now, and will awaken tomorrow to answer more questions.
*Yes, I’m aware that the choice of a trannsexual to undergo surgery is much more complex. That’s just what it boils down to for most straight guys.
Hey, I can answer some of these:
That’s the equivalent of: Why do women prefer assholes to nice guys? There is no answer, other than what the question itself reveals about the person asking it.
No and no. Never ever feel like it. No, it’s an urge we just don’t get. (Straight men not only don’t squeal, we can’t stand it when anyone squeals. It really is highly annoying.) No, never just feel like crying for no reason. Of course, I don’t get subjected to a mandatory monthly hormone cocktail, so the emotional rollercoaster (while it does exist) is the equivalent of the kiddie coaster. It’s not an act, it is just who we are. For example, is squealing just an act to show that you’re female, or is it just part of who you are?
Boobies have the appeal they do because they are the most obvious physical markers of femininity. Being attracted to females means being attracted to higher voices, wider hips, shorter statures, lack of facial hair, and boobies. One seemingly unrelated tidbit is that men just love to play with toys. Can you identify which item on that list can most readily be played with? As far as the novelty factor goes, I don’t think that applies. In all my longterm relationships, I have never lost interest in my SO’s boobies.
Because it is something the man would most like to hear being said to him. Anyone who says this to you is telling you that they don’t want to work.
Most guys I know – including me – really just don’t consider moderately overweight women hot. (The equivalent would be short bald guys for women. Some might like that, but as a general rule, no.)
The supermodel look is not appealing. Being abnormally tall with small breasts, they don’t appear overly feminine. Also, once one is told that “eyes set wide apart” is a key feature on a supermodel, you find that you can’t not notice it. And it is not attractive.
Actresses in general are what guys talk about when discussing ideals of hotness, but nothing compares to the women in Playboy. Nothing. Supermodels, actresses, and porno chicks all fall far short, for the most part. (Although Jessica seems to be a good name for actresses lately. Biehl…Alba…yummy!)
It depends on whether she is using me as a “surrogate boyfriend”, which entails me giving her the emotional support that a boyfriend would normally provide, but without the intimacy of sex. That ain’t cool.
Not weird at all to wait. The least awkward way would be to not actually tell them, but rather let them find something that clues them in. I can’t think of anything ideal at the moment, but something along the lines of a flier from a gay bar left out where he could see it.
Actually, if you specifically wanted to tell them in person, next time you see a truly hot chick on the street / in a movie / on tv / whatever, say something like “damn she’s hot; I’d be all over her if I swung that way.” It conveys you are gay while focusing him on a hot chick. A win-win, IMO. Whatever his reaction, play it cool like you thought he already knew. You never thought to mention it because it’s just who you are. Just like it never occured to you to mention that you were an American.
I actually did some thinking on this somewhat recently while trying to puzzle out why straight women – who are stereotyped as not being into blowjobs or anal – are so into slash.
As a straight guy I’m predisposed to getting aroused by a woman who is aroused. One of the hottest things I can think of is a hot chick masturbating, and there is no part for me to play in that scenario. Two chicks together is that taken to the next level.
Also, two chicks together takes all the pressure / performance anxiety out of the picture. In the absolute worst case scenario, a guy with two chicks could conceivably “get his” and then the two chicks could “take care of” each other.
Really, it works on so many levels.
I did wonder while I was starting to go through puberty what it was like for the girls. But all thoughts in that vein ended abruptly after my first orgasm.
As for your last sentence: Huh? When you get bored you think? As a straight guy, when I get bored I act. As in, I actively do something. Go driving, play a videogame, practice counting cards or some other gambling strategy, etc… I don’t actually remember the last time I got bored, to be honest.
Not interested. My dating rules closely align with the LPGA requirements. Must be born a woman, though lesbians (well, bisexuals, obviously) are welcome. (No, I’m not just saying that. Yes, I have dated bisexual women. More please!)
Uh, the opinions expressed in this post are just mine, and may not apply to all straight guys. No offense is meant to anyone by any of my answers.
A guy who thinks he has a chance is calling you, the one that thinks he doesn’t…isn’t. Every guy always thinks he has a chance, no matter how hopeless the odds.
How do you define friendship between a man and woman? How can you be a friend to a woman without providing emotional support, among other things?
When I think of my guy friends, I see them as people I can laugh with, have good times with, ask advice from, and count on. In some ways I see them as brotherly, especially when it comes to the advice part, but I’d hate to think they’d end up resenting me for never having sex with them.
First off…
Curse you, Ellis Dee, for answering questions in a way that sounds intelligent and helpful! Grrr! shakes fist
Anyway, Luna, I don;t think they’d resent you, per se, unless you lead them on, or they think you are. From what you’ve said, I don’t think that’s the case. Have they ever thought of you in a sexual way? Probably. But if they absolutely know that you will not be sleeping with them, they won’t resent you for not sleeping with them.
On a side note, and at the risk of sounding egocentric, I’m curious whether people think I’m doing a good job here. Others have chimed in with their answers, and they’re more than welcome (a plurality of opinions is a GOOD thing) but I’m the one who started this little shindig, so I’m wondering if people are satisfied with my wisdom so far.
I can longer sit by.
-Thinking About Sex
All the time. It’s not a question of whether I’m thinking about sex, just what the specifics are and how much priority sex is being given in the list of my current thought processes.
-Sex With Friends
The only time haven’t thought about this is if the woman in question is involved with another friend. Then, I take any romantic or sexual feelings for that woman and lock them in the ‘involved with friend’ closet. If they break up, and I’m still interested in the woman, I will ask my friend’s permission before telling her of my feelings.
If a female friend is single, I probably want to have sex with her. However, unless I think the feeling is mutual, I won’t say anything. I don’t want to damage our friendship. Even if I think she feels the same way, I may not act on it. Again, I don’t want to damage our friendship.
-Boobies
I don’t know how to explain. It’s all of the mesmeric awe and mystery of a lava lamp, plus all the feelings that come from looking at sexualized body part. I love all the other parts of women too. But, the way boobs move is hypnotic.
-Friend Telling Me That He’s Gay
I’d be hurt he didn’t tell me sooner. If he thought my reaction would be anything other than ‘That’s nice. I accept you as you are. But what I asked was whether you voted for pizza or Chinese.’ than he doesn’t know me.
-Wondering What It Would Be Like To Be A Woman
I’ve often wondered this. Would I feel more vulnerable? How would my interactions with other people be different? Even when they’re not doing anything, a uterus and ovaries must take up space. How are the other organs moved to accomodate them? What does that feel like?
-Sexual Frustration
I think this is why men play sports. We’re not having sex, so we want to go hit or kick something, or run a lot.
-Super Models
I like my women with curves. I think Tyra Banks is hot. But, that’s the only model I can think of. I lust for Shakira, Salma Hayek, and Jennifer Tilly.
-Being A Sissy
I have no problems showing my emotions. This may have something to do with my being Jewish. We’re an emotional people.
I enjoy antiques, the musicals of Stephen Sondheim, animals, and kids.
I sew clothing and stuffed animals.
I often start to dance and sing “I Feel Pretty” when confronted with a large mirror.
I haven’t bought a Halloween costume since I was 9. Each year, the costume I make becomes more elaborate. A few years ago, I went to the Henri David Ball. Most of the attendees are extremely gay. They are also the only people I’ve met who love Halloween as much as I do. The past two years, bowing to the fact that the judges are also very gay, I have worn Wizard Of Oz themed costumes.
I do not care if other men think I am homosexual. The only thing that matters is that women who may be interested in me know that I am straight.
-Transsexual
I think you can all guess my feelings on this. (Btw Ellis Dee an mtf transsexual was born a woman. We’ve had GD threads on this.)
“Doc, I was born with a penis.”
“But, you are Jewish? And you do like the Simpsons?”
“Yes, but-”
“Well, then the important thing is we have reservations and should leave now if we want to get to the restaurant on time.”
She would still be the same person. It’s not like she’s revealed she’s an alien or something.
If she were post-op, then there woud be legal hurdles to work out before we could marry (if the relationship was that serious) and (again, if she’s the one) we’d have to adopt kids instead of having them the old-fashioned way.
Hey Doc, great post. Thanks.
I won’t speak for Ellis but I think he’s talking about the kind of “friendship” where the woman calls her friend at 2:00 a.m. to complain about her asshole boyfriend breaking her heart. The guy friend lets her cry for the rest of the night, reassures her that it’s not her, it’s him, etc. She tells the guy how wonderful he is and how comforting he is. . . and the next night she’s busting the headboard with her asshole boyfriend.
I don’t know if there’s a straight guy alive who hasn’t been put through this by at least one woman. The more perceptive straight guys will figure out that this particular woman is just as much a user as her asshole boyfriend. Other straight guys will generalize that women group straight guys into “guys they want to be friends with” vs. “guys they want to have sex with.”
Hit post too soon. Thanks to the other guys, too. It’s really interesting to see the different perspectives of different kinds of straight guys on these questions. I’m glad this thread is here.
It’s easy to think sometimes, you know, straight people rule this world, their preferences are all around us, we know everything we need to know. But that’s an illusion, I think, because when it comes down to the individual straight men I’ve known well, none of them fit the picture of Typical Straight Guy one gets from the culture perfectly, and many didn’t fit it at all.
To me that’s one of the reasons I’ve decided the model is broken, but it’s interesting to see here the reasons it takes the shape it does, and how different each Straight Guy’s answers can be.
Look, real life lesbians aren’t hot to straight men, because real life lesbians don’t want to have sex with straight men.
So why would the idea of women having sex with each other be hot? Because they’re women. Having sex.
I have never in my life been in a relationship where I had sex as often as I wanted. And the vast majority of straight men are in the same situation. Women don’t want to have sex as often as men do. Scientific fact. And don’t give me the counterexamples, about how you want sex just as much as your boyfriend, because it’s not true. You know it, I know it, the American people know it.
My wife often doesn’t wanna have sex because she’s feeling sick, or tired, or whatever. I’ve never not wanted to have sex because I was sick, or injured. If I’m feeling bad, sex is gonna make me feel better, right? Feeling bad is the PERFECT time to have sex. Anyway, I digress.
So, 98% of the time, a straight man’s experience is that he wants sex all the time, sometimes women allow sex to happen, other times they don’t. And when women allow sex to happen there could often be some motive other than just sexual pleasure. She has sex with you because you want to have sex, she wants to make you happy, she wants to shut you up, she wants something from you. It’s always there that sex is something women put up with, rather than something women actually want. Yeah, I know, you want sex, how would I get this impression? I get this impression from years of not having sex with women I wanted to have sex with. Women may like sex, but usually only in certain circumstances, or with certain people (i.e, not me). And yeah, most men wouldn’t like the reality of a woman who just wanted casual sex for pleasure, because she might have sex for pleasure with you, but she’s going to move on to someone else. And of course, I realize the reason for all this, because sex has different consequences for women than it does for men.
Back to lesbians. The point of all this is, if two women have sex with each other, it’s because they both wanna have sex. And men really like the idea of women who want to have sex. And there’s two of them, and no other man to compete with. The fantasy is that these women want sexual pleasure and they’re not putting on a display. Of course, the reality is that women in porn really are putting on a display for money.
Thanks, **kunilou ** and Love Rhombus. You’ve helped answer questions that I’ve never been able to get the truth on. I can understand how frustrating it would be for a guy to go through that kind of manipulation, and when I think about it, I’ve seen that type of behaviour from women (and men) before.
Thanks again!
No problem, happy to help decode the mysteries of the Heteroglyphics.
And Lemur is correct: Regular lesbians are fun to talk to about women, but what we really like are fantasy lesbians, such as thise made popular by porn.
And the best thing about fantasy lesbians is, they’re just doing it with each other to stay in practice until a Straight Guy shows up!
Indeed. “Keep it warm till I get home, honey!” Or you might say “Save me a spot.”
Just random chiming in…I have the vague sense that these thoughts are replies or responses to something that was said or asked, but I’m not scrolling back upfield to quote them.
OK, the really coolest thing of all is to be best friend, confidante, & closest and most loyal ally to a female who is way admirable in the sense that I’m sure I’d like her also if I were female myself, that I’d like her if I were gay, and then on top of that, or interwoven into it like a pair of tapestry-threads, is she’s yummy and I want her, and she’s got the hots for me and wants me.
I probably saw her when she was immersed in some project or activity, concentrating, being good at whatever she was going. And I did notice the curves of her hips, the slendering of her shape as it tapers from hip to midsection, and I will confess that if she had reasonably tight pants on I did check for that delightful V shape. Don’t ask me if she even had tits, I assume she probably did or I would have noticed the absence, and yeah, under at least some circumstances breast-shapes are fun to look at, but you know what? You go right on thinking all guys who ogle are ogling breasts and maybe that will make it less likely that you’ll notice how I’m checking out the area between your two front jeans pockets.
Is she (or was she) horribly mean and cruel to males, treating males like dirt, and did that attract me? Treating me like dirt certainly would not have warmed me up any. There’s a kind of guy — boorish, spoiled, sexually pushy towards women, contemptuous of women, etc —such that if I see her eviscerate such a guy instead of just retracting frostily or, worse, getting intimidated by him, well, OK, that can give me a rush.
I will confess to a weakness, a bad set of responses I’ve got that have led me to disappointment if not major trouble: I have a strong visceral I LIKE THAT response to women who are 220% lifesize energetically flamboyant, fill a room and occupy it totally, caustic, sarcastic, fast-talking or slow-talking but doing the talking, freaking OWNING the room. The Auntie Mame / Bette Midler / Judi Dench thing. Such women are usually so self-involved that they aren’t going to notice a guy aside from noticing that he’s a Good Audience, and they end up alone and lonely because they won’t really pay enough attention to another person to be otherwise. It’s a shame, because I really really LOVE verve and hi-energy overwhelming female confidence, which may be a healthy taste but I need to distinguish between the real deal and the superficial coverup that’s just a defense-mechanism (loud brassy broads who are loud and brassy to keep all vulnerabilities at arm’s length — and with them, all intimacies)
I’m not averse to striking up a relationship with a transsexual but I might annoy many of them because I would want it to be a (sexual or otherwise) relationship with a transsexual, not a relationship with a woman. This person was not born female, and who they are is who they’ve been and what they’ve been through. How could I be intimate with someone while mutually pretending that their life started in the OR? A perhaps stronger impulse than the coupling one (although not necessarily in a mutually exclusive way) is to bond with such a person as another gender dysphoriac. Yeah. I don’t hate the male body but I hate the cultural stuff about being male, and minus any antipathy for the male body I’ve often and strongly felt that I belonged “with the girls”, and it’s even a pretty central part of my identity. So far, that hasn’t really happened, it seems like most of the transsexual MTF folks I’ve known were at a stage in their lives where they wanted a guy to accept and love them as a female, as a girlfriend, and that can really get scrambled when one is hoping to bond as another person for whom the “experience male” has been thoroughly alienating.
OH, one more thing: every woman who says or thinks she is overt and straightforward in taking the sexual initiative should take time to visualize a male acting towards her exactly (gesture for gesture, word for word) as she did towards the last guy she intentionally came on to, and state whether or not that same behavior would be considered an overt pass if he was doing it.
Having tossed that little gauntlet down, I will say: I love it when women are overt in expressing what they want and feel. I am capable of loving it when women are overt in tossing out a ‘challenge’, but the more hostility, the more I’m likely to play back from a male-sexual-liberationist stance: maybe I want you and maybe I don’t, do you want me? Are you fishing for compliments or do you think I’m cute? Let’s not make this all about do I or do I not pant and drool over the thought of getting into your britches. C’mon! I suppose you’d like it if some guy came up to you and said ‘I bet I know what you’d like to do to me, well, if you think you can handle it you can have me’? Get real, you’d be doubled over giggling in derision!
I want to wake up from a post-coital snooze and meet your eyes and grin and be grinned at in return by an equal, an accomplice, a person who is just like me but, to our mutual delight, has the different set of equipments.
kunilou provided an excellent example, although I wasn’t really thinking along those lines.
A friendship has a different emotional dynamic than a romantic relationship. Note that I didn’t just say “emotional support”, I said “emotional support that a boyfriend would normally provide.” There is a distinction.
We expect our romantic partners to be just that: partners. It’s us two against the world. Not so much in a friendship. With romantic partners, we’re sharing our lives. With friends, we’re really just hanging out and having fun.
The line is fuzzy, but it starts to get crossed when the platonic male friend becomes the regular audience of the “how was your day” decompression. Or if the guy is expected to just “empathize” instead of trying to “fix” a problem. Or if he becomes the default companion in the vast majority of “boyfriend” functions, ala wedding date, movie companion, buffer for dealing with mechanics, etc…
One potentially big clue is if you have a platonic guy friend hanging out at your place while you get dressed up nice to go out to some function, you’ve veered way off course in your friendship. Another potential clue is if you don’t see your girlfriends as much as you used to because you’re spending an inordinate amount of time with the guy.
No one thing sets off the warning signs, but men will gradually realize when they’ve become the “surrogate boyfriend”, and they will likely resent it. Think of all the things in your life that you would first turn to a boyfriend with. If all of those things in life cause you to turn the same platonic male friend, then you’ve wandered into a bad place for him.
My understanding is that women don’t do this intentionally, but rather generally unaware of what is happening. Even in kunilou’s example, I would doubt that the hypothetical woman is consciously trying to emotionally use her platonic friend, though she most definitely was succeeding in doing just that.
Sadly, it’s much easier to see than to explain. The best I can offer you is that men and women are different. No matter how much you want to be able to have the same relationship with a guy as you would have with a bestest girlfriend, that dynamic just doesn’t translate very well.
Unless, of course, you’re open to the platonic relationship evolving into a romantic one.
No, you did a great job, I see exactly what you are saying now. I confess to having relied on a guy friend a few times, although never going so far as to do the ‘getting ready with you but going without you’ thing. In the future I will be more aware of how my actions might be percieved.