Asking someone to come to afterdinner cocktails...signals what?

I met someone a few weeks ago at a mutual friend’s party…we talked for hours, got on very well, discovered same interests and views, yadda yadda…went outside and semi-drunkenly kissed.
Problem is he lives and works in another state. :smack: He was up visiting his parents when we met.
So he tells me he will be in town next week…and texts me to ask what I’m up to Saturday night. My friend is having us all meet up for cocktails after dinner as it’s her birthday on Saturday. She suggested I ask him to the drinks.
Now, these drinks will probably happen at about 10pm on a Saturday night. If I ask him to them, would it signal “I’m a sure thing?” Because I’m not sure thats a road I want to travel at this point, seeing I’ve only been with him one other time in person…I don’t know enough about him to know, you see.
It seems a bit “high risks, high rewards” for what would in effect be a first date. What do you think?

What are you doing earlier? You could have dinner with him, and if it’s going well, take him along to meet your friends, and if it’s not, say “sorry, got to meet up with some people…”

Yes, he will probably think it’s a lay-date. If you become semi-drunk again, it might turn into one.

Protect your virtue!

Bwahahaha!.. Me thinks Sarah might be in self denial.

It’s ok to cut lose every once in a while.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that at all. :smiley:

Seriously though. I wouldn’t worry about what kind of signals your sending. IF the guy gets all bent out of shape because you make an after hours get- together, then you don’t dish out the nookie…

Well that’s one A-hole you got to weed out rather early. Now isn’t it?

Go you.

Make it more casual. Text message rather than phone call. Mention that you’re with a pack of friends.

In fact, how about two messages:
A few days before - “I’ll be out with friends in (area) this Saturday night, want to catch up?”
At 9 or 10 on the night, presuming he’s said yes - “Hey, we’re down at Bob’s Pub at 123 Fake St if you’re still keen to catch up…”

If he rocks up, you still have a pack of friends around you to give you options. Can easily make up another place to be, some other drinks you’re having on the other side of town etc.

Thanks for the good tidbits of advice.

SHAKES, it’s a little from Column A, and a little from Column B… :wink:

Ah, all this planning is making me nervous…
The thing is, I couldn’t do the dinner-only thing, because the same people will be at dinner as will be at the cocktails. So it amounts to the same thing.

I just wanna “protect my virtue” for as long as it takes me to work out what kind of person, roughly speaking, he is.

You know, just to check he’s not a deranged psycho-killer or something.

Mayhaps I should do a daytime catch-up this weekend? Or would that be boring (“You’re a nice guy, I don’t know how to turn you down, so I’ll just string you along by having lunch with you” kind of thing? Because that’s not my intent.)

Not to get too weird here – butmaybe you could just say very directly, “I’m definitely interested, but don’t want to set up a bootie-call thing – how about we have lunch or coffee or something?”

And then have lunch or coffee.

And if it goes well, take him along that evening.

I think you could do worse than to tell him what you have just told us.

“I am having afterdinner cocktails with friends and have been encouraged to bring you along but I am nervous about what signals this might send, especially since this would effectively be a first date.”

You could tell him this during lunch or coffee if you wanted to. Tell him you want to have lunch or coffee so that you can figure out if he’s a deranged psycho killer before you bring him to an event with your friends.

Being a guy I can say if I were on the other end I woundn’t interpet it as “a sue thing”!
Intrested in me yes, … cances good, yes … but a sure thing! Come on. Your gut
feeling are right, it would be a bit much to ask for a “first” (secound or third and more)
date. I don’t think you really have to worry about it. Ask him, have a good time.
Hopefully you two will dig eachoter enough to keeep on seeing eachother!


It’s been a while since I was dating, but have things really changed so much that lunch is no longer an acceptable first date???

What does it matter? If he expects it, then he’ll get disappointed. I hate unstated implied “signals” that others are just supposed to telepathically understand.