I think I might be an asshole son.
My mother and I have never really got on since I was 10 years old or so. She’s a manic depressive and was periodically institutionalised back then; there was no father figure around so I got sent to boarding school for 7 disastrous years. Everything personally significant seems to date back to that time.
By the end of school (which I left prematurely) I was a shy introverted depressed alcohol-dependent, and to an extent I still am, which is sad now I think of it. I just find it impossible to relate to people, even close family like her. There’s nothing to talk about!
For a variety of reasons I managed to get myself into a large financial hole. My own spending was not among them, having learnt frugality the hard way these past few years, but I still ended up owing the bank a largeish sum. For my 31st birthday (yesterday) my mum loaned me the amount to pay off the bank to repay her at a easily manageable rate over a couple of years. Obviously I was pathetically grateful at this generosity.
Just now (this morning) she rang to say she wanted to come over and stay the night at my flat. This is an absolute no-no! My flat is tiny. It’s the only space I have! Why ask that?
And now I feel like the world’s biggest wanker for telling her an emphatic NO. The thing is, she’s so desperate to make up for the lost years when I was 10 to 17 and thereafter… but I just don’t know how to start building that bridge. I feel uncomfortable around her (and, come to that, pretty much everyone else bar a tiny few) and honestly don’t know what to say to her.
And this fucked-up situation of silent awkwardness on my side and misery and guilt on hers has been pretty constant for over a decade now! Is this going to go on until one of us dies?! How do we move forwards out of this hole?
I’m just shit at personal relationships, always have been. I think I could have handled that last exchange a little better though. But, sheesh, what was she thinking??