I’m an Athiest I have been since I was a teenager I’m 29 years old now, that’s just how it worked out and I give people every opportunity to change my mind but I don’t believe in religion. I met my wife as a normal person like me (she wasn’t athiest but not a devout christian either). We did normal stuff went out at night watched horror movies, she didn’t mind my cursing. Things have changed. No horror movies, every single time I curse she gives me hell, I even go to church with her and listen to put on a show. I guess she’s very impressionable and her dad has loaded her brain with this being christian and now she pretends to be one (she contradicts what she’s supposed to be practicing). The point is she’s trying to force that stuff on me, this is an EVERY DAY every moment of my life kind of thing. I think I’m starting to hate her and her family. Is that selfish? I mean is this one of those trivial changes that I should accept if I love her or is this one of those things that is big enough that I have a right to be angry at the lifestyle she’s forcing me to choose to live?. I would like opinions from others.
I think spirituality, or the lack of same, is a very important part of who a person is and you and your wife need to have a serious conversation about that. Some people are okay with these differences and some are not.
You need to accept each other or not. She should not have the right to force you to live a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with. Talk to her about it. How long have you been together?
We’ve been together about 4 years now (we got married bout a year ago). We have talked about it but I gave up explaining myself (I think that’s why I hold it all in nowadays and maybe it’s building up). I told her and she still tries to change me. My life with her has been about choosing what gives me less of a headache on that subject. I go to church with here because if I don’t I know she will be upset and I know she cares what her family thinks. On Christmas the other day I went with her to church get dressed up in the uniform she decides and spent time eating with them and talking and sit there rather spending my time doing other things.
My situation is reversed - I’m religious (albeit not very) and my wife is an atheist. We reached a state of status quo shortly after moving in together, in which we agreed that I wouldn’t become more religious, and she wouldn’t ask me to become any less. Whenever new wrinkles have come up (like our son’s education), we’ve discussed them among ourselves and reached a compromise that we could both live with. That’s not to say that there haven’t been arguments, of course, but they’ve come from a place of mutual respect.
That respect, I think, is key - we both respect each others’ beliefs, and we agree that my religion and her atheism are both equally legitimate points of view. Unless the OP can reach a similar accord with his wife, I predict more and more trouble down the road.
Any suggestions if the situation involves one logical understanding person and the other is not that way? I’ve tried and seems to gave gotten ABSOLUTELY nowhere. I mean now everytime we get in the car she takes out whatever cd is in there and puts in one of those screaming pastor things and same with the radio. One of my philosophies is something I’ve heard from an Offspring song in the song self esteem. They may have been sarcastic when they said it but it was “the more you suffer the more it shows you really care”, so I try my best and suck it up and cope. I don’t like to be mean and hate being judgemental because from what I can tell devout christians say don’t judge but nobody does it more than them. I think she’s very ignorant. She hates me even watching documentareis she says you shouldn’t be wasting your time with that and do something meaningful or worthwhile like read the bible. Sorry to bore anyone and thanks for any advice to those who are willing to read.
Sorry to hear this. You do point out a interesting feature of your wife’s religion, that of not practicing it whole heartily. It is a point you could pound her into submission on, make her live by it as a requirement of you going though the motions of Christianity.
Another possible way is to develop your own faith, and it doesn’t have to include God. One possible way is just wanting to help other, basically love all people, and practice that. When her religion gets in the way of loving and helping others you have a valid claim not to follow her religious doctrine.
You will need to sort this out before kids enter the picture. Having kids will make this problem much, much worse, so don’t get pregnant until this is sorted out.
Personally, I would not be able to take that much forced religion. I wouldn’t mind going to church some and even staying for a while because lots of church is about building a community of friends, but the constant harping (what you watch, listen to, talk about) would not be tolerable to me.
I think you’re being a pussy. She’s the one who changed, not you.
Let’s practice a few phrases:
“Honey, we need to talk.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
“I’m not sure you’re the woman I married.”
Also, you could use her religion against her by telling her that she is subordinate to you, she is just your help-mate or whatever, etc. (I’m just kidding- that is no way to live, long term.)
Actually this is Christian doctrine by order of Paul of Tarsas, even with a non-believing husband.
Though I prefer the live by love always method, if that’s not your bag, perhaps sit down and have a heart to heart talk about her religion and it’s requirements for her to follow and how that will effect your relationship with her.
The talking doesn’t work with her. That’s why I quit doing it. I have tried but just gave up. I’m looking for any other ways of dealing with this that don’t involve talking or breaking up. I think I just need some support from people who are like me because I have no friends heh.
Sure. You can be miserable.
I see your point Alessan and you’re pretty much right. What if I want to leave her but there’s not much cooperation? example. One time I sat her down on the couch and told her what’s on my mind and said we should consider taking a break from eachother like seperating. SILENCE was her response. What should I do in that situation? she didn’t say she’d get a job (because she doesn’t work) and her son lives with us. Should I get myself a place and walk out on her with an unpaid apartment? and food? and say well she knew this was coming if they get kicked out it’s her own fault?.
Would she switch to a less overbearing church like the Unitarians. That would be much better for you, at least. It would meet her church requirement but not compel you to believe.
I don’t know what exactly the behavior described by the OP’er is, but it ain’t spiritual.
Honestly Im 99 percent sure she wouldn’t switch to any other except christian. And she follows her dad to whatever church he goes to we recently switched churches. They pretty much think every other denomination is lesser than theirs they’re always slamming them. That’s why I don’t like being around her family, I know how they feel about other religions so I can only imagine what they think about me but don’t want to say to my face. I don’t care what they think but I kind of try a bit harder because we live with her dad.
If you were to leave, it would be nice to give her plenty of notice such as “I’ll be moving out Feb 25th…”
Does she have any family to fall back on nearby?
I would find the overbearing religiosity intolerable. I would find your current solution of just not talking intolerable. If she were not willing to talk or work things out, she would be making a passive decision to divorce. Not responding to you is a perfect example of this. This passivity is a tactic that makes you the decision maker (and “bad guy” in her mind, which is probably the only acceptable excuse for divorce in her family) in the process, but it may actually be what she wants.
Edit: I see her family is nearby. This makes everything a lot easier.
well right now we live with her dad because we were in a bit of fanancial trouble. So now we live with her dad but still in financial trouble. so I do know that leaving her with no place to live is not the problem her dad is covering that. However in order to save up for my own place (down payment for apartment or car since she’ll keep the one we have) I need to keep my paychecks but I let her manage all the finances (less of a headache choice). We pretty much use the paychecks to cover all of our necessities and the rent also and since she pretty much refuses to get a job (I quit arguing with her about that too, it’s like trying to get a 15 year old deadbeat kid to get a job, keep in mind I do love her) my income is the only income coming in.
I am hesitant to leave her because I have enough life experience to know that regret is a terrible feeling. The last thing I want to do is leave her and realize that I feel worse without her than I did with her. That’s why I let her live the way she lives I love her a lot and just want to be with her I don’t care if she works or not I don’t care if she sleeps all day I just want to be with her so I don’t wanna make a mistake.
Not intending to sound harsh, but let’s recap:
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Your wife has become extremely religious and no longer lets you be the person you were when you met.
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You have tried talking to her, but it doesn’t work.
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You want some way to fix things but without having to talk to her and without breaking up.
Alessan basically nailed it, if that’s your situation you can be miserable. That’s really about your only option.
As for her not talking to you about potential separation, this is the year 2011. You do not need the cooperation of your spouse to end a marriage. I wouldn’t advise just disappearing one day, but I would basically advise you go to an attorney and then present her with divorce papers. I’d make sure you had enough money saved up to move into a hotel or a small apartment while the divorce gets resolved. Some people can still live under the same roof while working out a divorce, but only you will know if that’s tolerable.
Your wife has changed in a way that is fundamentally unacceptable to you, and you are not happy with the life you have to live in order to be acceptable to her now that she has changed. So in reality this is a question of dealing with the temporary unpleasantness of a divorce or the permanent unpleasantness of living your entire life with someone you can’t stand and who makes you miserable.