This is classic doormat mentality. The pain of ending a relationship is temporary, it is going to be most acute in the beginning but will decrease over time.
If you’re really an atheist then you should recognize that logically, there is no such thing as a “soulmate” or someone who you are “meant to be with.” When you end your current marriage you will find that there are other people out there you can/will love just as much as your wife, and they might not be fundamentalist nutjobs and might even be willing to work for a living.
I don’t mind the divorce part I am curious about handling the actual leaving her part. I hope I don’t sound mean for saying how I feel on marriage. I told her that marriage and the piece of paper doesn’t mean much to me. I am commited and my word is my bond In my point of view the minute I told her I love her and want to be with her is my marriage. She wanted the little ceremony and stuff like that (I’m sure some of it was because of how her dad felt about us living together unmarried). If she wants to stay married that’s cool as long as I don’t live with her religion.
That’s why I’m strongly considering this extreme step. It’s been long enough that I am starting to know that this feeling of resentment is not a simple passing temporary feeling of being mad at someone. It’s constant and is developing into something else. Thank you for all your help so far and I appreciate your advice I definitely know that others understand what I’m saying and I feel a bit more confident about what I should do. I have to go for now THANKS!
As an atheist I don’t believe I have a soul. Christians literally believe they have a soul, which is capable of surviving their bodily death and which can be raised up to heaven at some apocalyptic time in the future to live in eternal communion/worship of God. So no, I don’t believe I have one of those.
Obviously “soul” has other meanings, some usages of it just use it to mean the “emotional part of human nature” in that regards yes, atheists have just as much of a soul as theists. But I don’t see how you could be an atheist and believe in the literal soul of Christianity of other religions that have such a concept.
As for soulmates, it’s a concept that basically says there is a mate for you based on your two souls being perfectly aligned with and pre-determined to be with one another. A belief in that also violates the core tenets of my personal belief system, namely it would force me to believe in a magical soul and pre-determinism, both things for which there is no evidence.
Colloquially, Soulmate can also mean someone with whom you have a close emotional bond the two of you share with no-one else. I’d say that’s the more common use of the term.
You mentioned another critical part, more so then at first. Her dad. There seems to be still a controlling interest of her heart by her dad, this is counter from her heart uniting with yours fully and is the wedge that is coming between you, religion is just the vehicle used. This is much more serious then first stated.
You have to win her heart, not be giving in to her, as that is just her dad’s manipulation of her to get you to submit or to cast you away from her, but for who you are.
Really in the position you are in the way I know is to cry out to Love, God, the Universe, whatever higher power you may have. As a Atheist however I don’t know what you may turn to, but suspect you may. Either way you don’t want to do this by yourself.
That could also be a Kindred Spirit, or your spirit ‘kin’ folk, close spiritual relationships.
To me a soul mate is the one we were one with in the beginning, and the only one who will make us whole as they are the missing piece. Such as Adam was split into Adam and Eve, they are soul mates and form one with each other.
It is not required to believe in soul mates to have them, and I believe we all have them.
If you have** emotions**, intellect, and will, you have a soul. I understand why you wouldn’t like the religious connotations of the word “soul.”
Do atheists not believe in destiny, either?
Well, you can do all those things- love her, and divorce her, and tell folks she’s not a bad person, just not the right person for you, and have regret for things that didn’t work out, etc. Life can be messy. I really just don’t see you having a good marriage with a serious lack of communication, harboring resentments and relentless, unwanted religious pressure. Ick. These problems will be worse when/if you have kids- don’t neglect that issue. It could be big.
You are in a very good position to leave- she does have her nuclea and church family to fall back on. Can you pick up an extra job or work overtime to pad you financials? Will your family take you for a while?
I’m kinda surprised at her total silence when you brought up separation. Really, you got nothing in response to that? Most people react some way- surprise, anger, a statement of love… something. Is she depressed (sleeps all day, doesn’t work, overly focused on one topic)?
OP: Alessan and more precisely Martin Hyde have nailed it.
She is in thrall to her father & demands you be in thrall to her and indirectly, him. You can follow orders for the rest of your life, or you can leave. I assure you the regret you’ll feel after 40 years of staying will be far greater than that after 1 year of leaving & 39 years of feeedom from that evil.
She has found a meal ticket for herself & her kid and doesn’t even have the decency to respect you as a person. WTF are you thinking?
One can quibble indefinitely about what the word “soul” means. I vote that if you have ** emotions**, intellect, and will, you have “consciousness”. When mystics or romantics and other not-based-in-reality thinkers want in insert religion & afterlife & … into the legit concept of “consciousness”, they re-label it a “soul” & wrap it in nonsense.
Destiny is a childish wish for people to believe that the future is predictable. Nobody who really thinks can believe in a concept called “destiny”.
Everything about human experience is biochemical & electrical stuff rattling around between your ears. Everything. To wish it was otherwise is understandable from the POV of a primitive tribesman. To think such things in the 21st Century is laughable.
I acknowledged the alternate definition of soul, but in the English language at least the concept of the Christian soul is where the word comes from. The other usage is just a areligious derivative. I obviously believe in human emotion but I don’t feel the need to use the term soul at all. It’s a distraction burdened by religious connotation. And no, I do not believe in destiny, what evidence is there for such a thing?
What meaning could anything possibly have if that is your view of things? If life is nothing but a chemical reaction, what does anything you do, think, say, or experience matter? What is the purpose of your existence?
I don’t speak for all atheists, but no, this atheist does not believe in souls or destiny.
I don’t bother myself about souls.
Love seems to come from inside of each individual. Some people don’t seem to have any (psychopaths, for example). Others have an abundance. Most fall in the middle somewhere.
What love it is or what causes it, I don’t really know, but that does not bother me in the least.
Your wife doesn’t respect you. Why? Because you are living with her father. Her father is the adult in this relationship, and the two of you are still children.
You need to become a grownup adult man before you can have a grownup adult relationship with a grownup adult woman.
You need to take control of your finances and move out of her father’s house. Maybe your wife will decide to grow up as well, or maybe she prefers to stay a child. You can’t control what she does. You can only control yourself. Maybe your marriage is salvagable, it probably isn’t, but maybe it is. But you’re not going to fix yourself living with her father, and you have no hope of fixing your marriage until you fix yourself.
So move out, grow up, take charge of your money. None of these things involve her. You’re not changing for her, to win her over, you’re changing for yourself. And either she’ll want to be with the adult you, or she won’t, but you have no control over her decisions, so stop worrying about them.