I’m going to take a wild leap here, and say that this huge conviction of Christianity began when the two of you had to move in with her folks.
Lemur866 nailed it: she began to defer to her father as the “adult,” and you are just two kids playing grownups. Since it’s DADDY’S house, he gets to call the shots. Daddy told her, “This is where we are going to church, and this is what we believe.”
She feel obligated to pick Daddy’s point of view, because she lives in DADDY’S house. She won’t have a discussion with you because it might get out of hand, and she doesn’t want DADDY to hear the two of you yelling. In fact, DADDY may have specifically told her that he doesn’t want any arguments in his house.
If you were to have an argument with yelling, Daddy might overhear her agreeing with you, questioning her faith, and that would get sticky.
You feel BETRAYED, because this isn’t the woman you dated, this isn’t the woman you fell in love with, this isn’t the woman you married.
You gotta leave that house. Whether you go alone, or you take your wife with you, is up to you.
~VOW
“The last thing I want to do is leave her and realize that I feel worse without her than I did with her.”
Exemplification of insecurity - fear of moving on.
Also an admission that you ARE miserable NOW.
From what I’ve read above, seems to me you two are not compatible. It also seems her father still has more influence over her than you. That’s a bit weird, IMHO.
You need to decide your own path, but if it were me in that situation, I’d have broken it off already.
Fear of being more miserable than you are currently is not a logical reason to remain in your current miserable state. Statistically, there are plenty of potential mates out there that are more compatible with you.
I don’t think your marriage is going to make it. She’s a daughter first and a wife second and you’re crowdsourcing your next step on the internet?! Find a counselor and learn how to communicate OR split up. Nothing you have described sounds like a healthy relationship. You can take charge of the situation or you can do what you’ve always done and get what you’ve always got.
As long as you two live under her father’s roof, he’s going to be the head of the household. It’s logical that she’s conforming to everything he wants as 1.) He’s her father and 2.) He provides the place you live. I’m guessing you’d both be pretty screwed if he suddenly took that away.
If you somehow got your own place, would she suddenly change back to her old self? Or is she so into the religion that she’d continue to force it onto you even in your own household?
To be honest, I don’t think it looks good either way. If she continues to force it onto you in your own hypothetical household it shows there probably isn’t any going back for her. If she suddenly changes her mind and becomes less religious, that shows that she’s easily influenced and is just going along with whoever is taking care of her.
What bothers me besides the religion thing is the use of silence as a response for her (seems like avoidance of addressing the issue) and her lack of a job. Why doesn’t she have a job? Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like she’s just going along for a meal ticket, be it by you or her father.
I don’t know if you two are thinking about starting a family, but do NOT get her pregnant until you figure out whether or not this relationship can be salvaged. This advice is coming from the child of a meal-ticket mom.
Assess whether or not the relationship can be saved. Your gut will tell you, and stick by that feeling. You may be scared of being alone temporarily, but we’ve all dealt with that at one point or another and it is survivable. It’s like ripping off a bandaid: you can either do it slowly and drag the pain out or you can do it quickly and move on. Good luck.
Maybe you need to give her some choices with consequences: For example, tell her that if she continues to bring up the subject of religion on a daily basis – especially in any way that sounds like an effort to control you and your beliefs – you will not go to church with her that week.
But you have to stick to it consistently.
Or, she can go to marriage counseling with you if she wants you to go to church with her. (Don’t go to her minister for counseling!) Public health departments can probably direct you to a counselor with either no charge or a sliding scale. And I know that there are good counselors in the ministry. But try to pick a more middle of the road or liberal church rather than someone who is just going to side with her.
You don’t always have to “talk” out your feelings. You can write them down and give them to her. If she won’t have a rational discussion or write back, stop doing some of the things that you have surrendered to.
Don’t keep your own feelings packed down inside. That can lead to all sorts of other problems.
Christians don’t usually claim to be perfect. So why throw it up to her that she’s not perfect?
Do everything you can to work this out if you deeply fear regret. But it sounds like you have very few good days with this woman. Have a plan for when you have had enough. Write it down.
Why does she get the car?
Talk to a lawyer before moving out.
I’m sorry that you are having so much trouble, but sometimes these things really can be worked out. But it takes two.
You’re just an ATM and a car to your wife, and she has no right to treat you like this. You need your own bank account and to keep your car.
She can use daddy’s car or daddy dearest can buy her one, YOU KEEP your car. You need it too and you need it to get to work.
Counseling for yourself is probably a good idea too. Not getting pregnant is another excellent suggestion. She’s changed significantly since marriage and not for the best, and you deserve better.
…Because those are the only two options. Either you and she talk…or you and she break up. If she isn’t willing to hear you out, then she doesn’t love you any longer. If she loves her religion more than she loves you – to the point of total exclusion – than she isn’t your wife any more, she’s Jesus’ wife. You’re just the guy who lives in the same house.
Ask her to listen to you – or walk away from a failed relationship.
(I have never walked away from a relationship with a lover…but I have walked away from failed friendships. When there is no basis for communication at all, then there is no longer a friendship. And a marriage has to be a lot more intimate than a friendship!)
Sorry to go “tough-love” on you, but… She has to listen, or to lose you. Only she can choose which.