What smells like fish and rhymes with PUNT?
Rex Hunt!
HA HA HA. You dirty little thing.
What’s brown and hairy on the outside, white and wet on the inside, starts with C, ends with T and has UN in the middle?
Coconut. Duh.
“UN” in the middle?
So Rex and his cameraman are offshore filming a segment when the boat capsizes and sinks. Rex immediately strikes out for land when the cameraman screams out that he can’t swim. Not wanting to leave him to drown Rex offers to carry him on his back.
After about half a kilometre of swimming Rex is getting pretty exhausted so he tells the cameraman he has to help by at least paddling a little. The cameramn looks terrified.
“But Rex, if I let go with my arms I’ll fall off and drown.”
“Mate, if you don’t bloody well paddle we’ll * both* drown.”
Releuctantly the camerman splashes around, getting the expected mouthful of water but he seems to be too frightened to contribute much. After a while however his strokes even up and the going is much easier, so much so that within a mere hour Rex staggers ashore, exhausted, wet and bedraggled and promptly collapses on the beach.
Lieing face down in the sand Rex moans “I’m buggered”
“Sorry” says the cameraman, “it was the only way I could hold on”
Sorry, should have said, U and N. I’m more used to saying it than typing it :P.
A Labor MP and a National Party MP are campaigning in a rural town. The Labor guy is giving his sales pitch to one of the locals, but the National Party bloke butts in and says, “He doesn’t know anything about local issues. He’s a city Member of Parliament. I’m a country member!”
The Labor MP says with a smile, “I’ll remember!”
At the risk of sounding stupid, I don’t get it.
“Buggered” is a double entendre. In colloquial Australian speech, it simply means “extremely tired or exhausted”. In its original sense it means um… well, it means “having received anal intercourse”. Hence, “the only way I could hold on (keeping my hands free)”.
Hey, you asked. 
What’s the difference between Australia and yoghurt?
Yoghurt has real live culture.
[sub]Boom-boom![/sub]
Can you think of a Thread title more likely to get a Kiwi to open it? 
The above joke makes perfect sense in the UK, too.
And now…
A woman walks into a shop and asks for a double entendre.
So the assistant gives her one. :eek:
This thread is stupid. Old unattractive jokes. Now stop it at once, or I’ll be sending a note home to all your mothers.
Mr Redboss
Or to all yo’ mammas, which is about the right level for this thread.
::scratches head:: LoadedDOg, do you want to come and explain this one to me please? ::scratches head again::
Tee-hee.
I’m not explaining it.
One for our New Zealand friends…
I’m a country member = I’m a c*nt, remember
Ohhhhhh, I geddit now. Ta.
Thanks for the thread, samboy – I’ve wanted to post this one for ages.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Geez, now I’m going to have to start the Melbourne jokes.
Well bugger, I can’t think of any this late at night. All that comes to mind is the old comeback guaranteed to piss off the average Melburnian (when they are going on and on about how great the Bleak City is compared to “Tinsel Town”):
"Yup, I agree. Melbourne sure is a nice place…
…just a pity it’s so far out of town."
OK, here’s one for the Kiwis (a really old one):
An Aussie farmer and a Kiwi farmer are telling each other about their respective farms. The Kiwi proudly tells the Aussie that he runs five hundred head of cattle on his. “Bah!”, replies the Aussie. I’ve got five thousand on mine."
“Well, I’ve got sheep too”, continues the Kiwi, “so many that I have to employ such a large number of men at shearing time that my shearing shed has three cooks to provide their meals”.
“Pathetic!”, says the Australian. “My shearing operation is so big there are three cooks cooking for the cooks!”
The Kiwi looks doubtful, but the Aussie is now really warming to his subject, and goes on, “In fact, I can get on my horse in the morning, and ride all day, and by evening I still won’t have reached the far end of my property!”
The New Zealander has had enough. He looks the Aussie in the eye and calmly says, “Yeah mate. I know what you mean. I used to have a horse like that too.”
BOOM TSHING!
ASIO had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”