Taken from a dilbert comic… “You know, some people say you should stop dating when you marry a mob boss.”
Has anyone ever told you about Amway?
If a cop asks you where I was last night, would mind saying your place?
Would you mind picking up the check? My bookie hasn’t paid me yet and my goddamned child support payments are eating up my cash.
Do you want to plant the dead fly in your food or should I?
Hey, I hope this isn’t too forward or anything, but would you mind if we just go and have a quickie in the bathroom? I’m parked in a handicapped space, and I feel bad for all the cripples I’m making wait.
So, Azerbaijani reform politics…yay or nay?
Hey, I had a unibrow once too!
“Just so you know where things stand, if anything developes between us, it’s going to be Smack first, you second.”
“Do you mind if we make a quick stop before dinner? I need to pick up my herpes medicine.”
“You know, I’ve heard a lot of good things about skull fucking…”
“see these lumps? theyre the spiders underneath my they started moving again last night. I hope they dont go in my brain again.”
“do you like dead things?”
“…and thats why I can never work with children again…” 
damnit! Spiders under my skin!
preview paul, preview!
Some of these are pretty funny, but how many of you have actually had them said to you? Mine are all genuine, I’m proud to say. :rolleyes:
My three favorite hobbies are bedwetting, starting fires, and hurting small mammals. What are yours?
i wonder if anyone else will get that.
True:
"So, do you have any medical conditions? No? Well let me tell you about mine. I have this disease, it’s genetic, it’s called blahblahblahblah, and it means my blood doesn’t clot very well, so if I get a bruise, it can pretty much send me to the hospital. My son has it too. So he can’t play any contact sports or anything. My ex-wife, Mary, she got pretty bent out of shape when I started playing paintball. But, you know, she’s my ex-wife now, so I don’t have to care what she thinks about it. It was one of the ways she was trying to control me and manipulate me.
[…]
No, I think you are still a Christian. You may think that you aren’t a believer any more, but in your heart of hearts you know you are one. I’ve had whole years when I haven’t talked to God, and the way I see it…
[…]
Oh yeah, and one last thing [this is 2 hours of him doing all the talking while slobbering up vodka and tonics as if they were water] I have a half sister. My dad, he got a girl in town pregnant. They were having an affair, and then he broke up with her. Turns out that her husband divorced her because of it, and my dad never paid child support, never owned the kid until about three years ago, but that was why we went to live with my grandparents for a couple of weeks when I was five, and I am really angry about it, and really ashamed. I mean, there were rumors in high school that she was our sister, and apparently, my sister knew about it because my mother told her in high school. In HIGH SCHOOL! Can you believe she dumped that on a teenager? I have been feeling really angry about it So what do you think I should think about it? That’s ok, you can be my shrink [after I told him I don’t like to play shrink for people].
[later, in my apartment]
I used to have a bookcase like that. Mary got it.
It’s amusing to see absence of contrast between jokes and reality. However, your comment does leave open the question, sunfish: “Have you ever owned a pair of white go-go boots?”
Katerina2, after that speech, how did he wind up in your apartment?
As long as one person got it, it was all worth it baby!
“Although I truly am glad to see you, I’m afraid that is a gun in my pocket.”
He was a good kisser. I didn’t give up hope until the bookcase comment.
I do hope you originally clamped your mouth over his to shut him up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO 
The following is true. Although it wasn’t a date, I said this:
[seeing a girl walk by wearing red horns for Halloween]
Me: “Horns, eh?”
[girl begins walking faster]
ARound here? You can pretty much count on it. The real question is, how many others share those three interests!