I wasn’t really sure how to phrase my title. But I was just reading through threads on dating in general and hitting on pretty people and so on…and usually people tend to talk up the people they’re dating. Just as no one usually says they’re a bad driver or a horrible kisser.
But what I’m wondering is, is it just a matter of different standards? Or more that you see someone as beautiful when you like them? I guess people sometimes talk about being less than enthused about a date or something, but you don’t really see people saying things like, “Yeah, I got this girl’s number, okay body, cute face in a certain light, overall a five or six.”
To clarify, the question is…do people have a generally realistic view of their dating partner’s/SO’s looks or do they probably see them as perfect/wonderful physical specimens?
Back in the day when I was still single and dating, I was very realistic. As a matter of fact, I never quite understood the rationale behind the folks who would declare someone they were seeing was “perfect” (or whatever) when that was clearly not true. Why not be comfortable / happy with the looks of your SO rather than pretend they’re something they are not? If you aren’t, you shouldn’t be with him or her in the first place, I’d think.
Perhaps someone else will come in here and be able to explain it better.
I dunno. Maybe because we realistically understand that others might not see us as an 8 or 9 also. I mean, I clean up okay, but I have no illusions that I’m some great beauty. That’s just a fact and I feel I’m based served by facing it rather than pretending to be something I’m not. Same goes for them, in my humble opinion.
For me personally looks aren’t as important as the package as a whole. I tend to find men I am interested in become more attractive over time as I get to know them better (or less attractive, depending on what I find out about them in the getting to know them process.) My boyfriend probably isn’t going to be named Sexiest Man of the Year by People magazine anytime soon but that doesn’t stop the fluttering in my stomach every time I see him. He can probably say the same about me. I never want the men I date to be perfect, just to be perfect for me. I think that is probably how most people feel about dating.
I have a hair-trigger attraction response to a certain kind of intelligence as well as demonstrated compassion. These have always been the two things I find most attractive in a man. If a man possesses these obvious traits I will almost certainly find him attractive. I rarely find intelligent, caring people ugly. I am rarely interested in a guy just because he looks good. The other day I saw a guy on the subway I couldn’t take my eyes off of, because he looked really smart. The guy I fantasized about jumping every day in my high school classroom was a known smartie.
My husband fits my definition of what’s attractive, but I didn’t really notice him until we became close friends. I think he is the most adorable thing ever now, but before we got to know each other I was decidedly ‘‘meh.’’
I know some people have to have the looks thing working, and to be sure, people with poor hygiene are not attractive no matter how smart and nice they are. But my attraction to others is largely personality-based.
Same here. My current SO was a platonic friend for quite a while, and I honestly can’t remember what I thought about his looks. I guess I didn’t consider them at all. Now I’m fascinated by every gorgeous inch of him, and I doubt I’d feel the same way if he weren’t smart, funny and great in bed. Same thing goes for guys with pretty faces who turn out to be douches– something changes drastically in my perception of them, to the point where they become physically ugly.
I can appreciate good looks in a person, and have it do nothing for me as far as attraction goes. It’s like seeing a nice sunset or watching the stars on a clear night. Pretty to look at, forgotten by next week. Attraction, at leasts for me, has very little to do with looks. Attraction is attitude, intellect, personality, actions, etc.
So yes, I know my SO isn’t going to be asked to model for any underwear ads. I know he’s a bit overweight, losing his hair, and has a couple of unruly extra long eyebrow hairs.
Others have already said it far more eloquently than I could hope, but knowing that my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me is not the same thing as expecting that every single man would immediately think the same upon first seeing her.
Personality has so much to do with what I find attractive about my wife (and people I know generally). In my life, there have been people that I never noticed from a physical standpoint until I actually got to know them. I can’t think of a single person I’m friends with that I don’t think is good-looking, despite whatever physical flaws one might be able to point out about them. I may be on the extreme end of things, though, because I can remember friends telling me even as a teenager, “Oh, you think EVERYONE’S pretty!” I don’t take that as a knock; I think I get a lot more enjoyment out of life being able to see the attractive qualities in the majority of people I encounter.
It is all about the personality for me. Even though she is now an ex, when we first met I would have rated her about a 5. As I got to know her better the rating kept going up in my eyes. When I proposed she was a solid 9. Her looks didn’t change, my feelings toward her did.
The girl I’m currently interested in, I would rate about a six, or a seven at the most. She’s pretty plain, really, but still cute and attractive to me, and it’s her personality that really draws me to her.
I don’t date “traditionally handsome” guys, but when I am really into them I think they’re just the cutest things in the world. I realize too that other people probably don’t see them as I see them, but their opinion doesn’t matter.
I’m a strong believer in beauty being in the eye of the beholder. It’s not so much that we don’t have shared ideas about beauty or that we don’t sometimes focus on essentially physical things, but I believe that what/who we see as beautiful ultimately comes down to our idiosyncratic reactions to and associations with the things and people we come in contact with.
In analyzing my own attractions I find that people who I may hardly be attracted to at all become very attractive as I get to know them. Conversely I have gone from finding a person attractive and then getting to know them better and not finding them attractive (either “meh” or “eeew”). And I have to stress that this feels like a physical thing at the time, i.e. I see physical things that I hadn’t seen before that change my reaction to them. And yet when I think about how I never saw these things before I realize that it’s my mental state that is influencing what I see (really also their mental state, like how they respond to me, or are they happy in general or something like that).
I think we all do this even if we aren’t always aware of it. I am constantly surprised at who other people find attractive, but if I listen to what they say about the person and try to see the person with their eyes I often can see how attractive they are.
Beauty is very subjective. Makeup and lighting makes a huge huge difference, as does say, simply drinking a lot more water or getting plenty of sleep on day. Personality makes a difference, as does how you feel towards someone. Also, knowing someone more a longer time gives you a different ‘feel’ for how they look than meeting someone for the first time, or seeing a picture.
When I first saw the-now-Mrs Nine, I thought she was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. A little later, we were at a party, and I was in a clump of male friends, while Mrs Nine was in a coterie of her female friends. I said to my friends ‘Don’t you think she’s the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen?’, and I’ll never forget my surprise when they said ‘Yeah, she’s alright.’ Alright? Just alright? I was stunned. That’s when it sunk in that beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder. (Though, to be honest, it was the whole package I went for - not just the looks.) But the looks came first.