So I stalked my Tinder date* and I managed to find one of his social media accounts when I am able to see who he is following. Now, it seems that curvy women, some who are also quite a bit older than him, are definitely a turn-on for him, as he follows several sexy accounts of this type. This has caused some mixed feelings in me. OTOH it could be considered an epic win. I mean, while I am fairly comfortable with my looks, dating an attractive, significantly younger (about ten years) and more athletic guy was making me a bit insecure, so one could say that if he likes my type and I like his type then that’s what being a match is all about.
But then OTOH I kind of feel a bit uncomfortable. You know, I am not “Mature Curvy Sexy Woman”, I am me, Pookah. And while those aspects are definitely a part of me, it also makes feel a bit objectified perhaps, like I was picked for conforming to a certain fantasy. And yes, I know, we all choose people on apps that we find attractive and in fact, my friend who saw his pictures said “oh yeah, totally your type”, so it’s not as if I’m any better, but I guess I would have preferred someone who likes me for the whole package rather than just ticking some kind of box. Having said that, we were actually able to have a nice evening, it didn’t feel he was just trying to get into my pants and I could totally see someone coming in and replying “So you’re his type and he is yours and the problem is what exactly?”, but I still feel a bit weird about it, you know like when Asian women attract guys who are super into Asian women - even if you are attracted to them, does that make it suddenly okay?
Sorry for the rambling post but, as you can see, I don’t really know how I feel about this. For other reasons (mainly distance), I don’t think there’s going to be much future anyway, but I was just curious to hear what people think. Would this kind of thing bother you?
The unhelpful answer is that only you can decide how you feel about this.
But the main question to ask is: is the fact that you’re “his type” the only reason he’s into you, or was that just the initial impetus to want to get to know you better? There’s nothing wrong with being someone’s type and it is indeed a good thing for people in a relationship to be attracted to each other (I also refer you to Lore Sjoberg’s advice on the subject). But you’re right: it needs to evolve into something more.
So being someone’s type wouldn’t bother me as long as the relationship didn’t end there.
TALK to him. Spend time with him. Get to know him. THEN draw your conclusions.
I’m not saying that Internet research is bad. In fact, it is wise up to a certain point. However, I think you’ve reached that point, and it’s time to let real life interactions guide you the rest of the way.
The unhelpful answer is that only you can decide how you feel about this.
I agree, we all have our own criteria and dealbreakers and I suppose there is no objective right or wrong about this. It’s just that I don’t know really know how I feel. I think my rational side says “excellent news”, but my emotional side was a bit taken aback. So just thinking out loud on the board.
I agree with this, too, but actually meeting up in person again would involve significant travelling, and so a bit of background checking is fair enough, I feel. But yeah, continuous internet stalking is a bit adolescent, mature body notwithstanding.
Reading this cold (and obviously I don’t know you) it sounds a bit like classic feminine paranoia - you don’t think you’re anything special in the looks department, and therefore this guy must be a freak for liking your looks.
Read it back to yourself. We all have looks that appeal to us, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. And if he treats you well, is interested in your personality and doesn’t get handsy too quickly, I say go with it.
Oh, wow, on top of everything else it’s an LDR? Not feeling that at all. For it to work, one of you will have to move and live in a place where you would have never lived in the first place and, if the relationship fails, you’d be there for absolutely no reason at all. Besides that aspect, it is very easy to hide things from a person in an LDR. All that makes it a high risk enterprise.
Oh, I’m not about to up sticks and live somewhere else! That’s jumping the gun a bit. I’ve done that and bought the t-shirt, believe me. It actually worked out okay-ish for me, but not going there again. But there may be a chance for us to meet up again as our families live in the same place (where neither of us live, but we both visit), and I’m just wondering if I am now turned off or on or whatnot.
As the other guy in the thread so far, I’ll echo this. With some adjustments.
Men are more visual than women when it comes to mate selection. I have a size / shape / color profile of women I prefer. Somebody outside those (rather loose) parameters has no chance of attracting my interest. That doesn’t make me a fetishist about the parameters I prefer. It makes me a man.
You (presumably) have preferences for male mannerisms, smells, behaviors, attitudes, or whatever. And maybe for looks / shape / color too. Men lacking those particular attributes are off your list before you begin. That doesn’t make you a fetishist; it makes you a woman.
So that’s you and me. What none of us know is this guy you’re talking about. He may in fact be giving off a real fetishistic, or at least fixated vibe. That would be IMO a warning sign, not a stop sign. Unless he’s really giving off wacko-vibes in which case the stop sign applies.
Another mostly unrelated point:
The LDR thing is definitely unhelpful for getting a relationship started.
But it can also be a real nice “get out of jail free” card when the relationship has been tried but is going nowhere. LDR makes it easy to have a no-fault split over the logistics more than the personalities. And means the aftermath is easier; they won’t naturally be showing at your grocery store or hangouts just because they happen to live nearby or have friends in common with you. Rather the opposite; you two will never cross paths again either deliberately or by accident. Simple, sweet, and no-fault. Disengagement doesn’t get any easier than that.
This easy disengagement option being on the table says you can press ahead into the early stages of the relationship with more confidence and less fear. You already know the getting out will be unusually easy, so the risk of getting trapped in a mess is less, not more. At least in the early stages.
Here is a thread from last summer that may have some relevance for you. It’s a different set of specifics, but it’s about when & why subtle adverse hints turn into warning signs turn into stop signs. I suggest you read what those folks have to say about that situation and see how it might be applied to your situation. The OP in that thread also refers to an earlier thread that you might usefully review as well.
Yes, I get what you’re saying. To be honest, I never got any “I’m only in it for sex/your body” vibes off him, in any case not more than is reasonable for it being a date. I only started wondering after I got nosy about his stuff. And yes, he is also very much my type, I just didn’t leave an easy to follow trail for him or anyone else to be able to find out.
In any case, I kind of doubt there is much chance of anything serious for other reasons, so it’s not a life or death decision and if it was then it would probably be best resolved, as Jasmine said, by talking about it. But it did sort of occupy my mind today and I thought it was an interesting question and was wondering what you all thought.
Definitely agreed. Looking back at my dating history (one of whom I married), I’m not sure that I have a particular “type,” as there was a range of heights and builds. But, I agree, there are certain physical aspects to a woman’s appearance that can definitely get my attention, and if I were to be searching through online dating profiles, I’d likely gravitate to women who had them.
To echo the other replies already shared: I’m not sure if you being “his type” (physically) should be a game-breaker, unless you run into other red flags in his profile, or in your online interactions with him, which suggest to you that he wouldn’t be compatible with you, beyond the fact that he’s attracted to your physical form.
I agree with what everyone says that there is no shame in having a “type” and that a lot of, if not most, people look for certain physical traits. I suppose the way I found out was perhaps not ideal - and obviously that’s on me and me alone - in that seeing someone is kind of looking at Insta-fluencer-porn-lite (you know what I mean) kind of makes the mental leap to feeling like a sex object easier than if he had said to me, in person: “Hey, you’re sexy, I love your hot body” - I think in the latter case I would just have been delighted.
I wonder if words and speaking are not the better way to start things in these new times.
The picture puts pressure on a person to confirm to some ideal.
But, saying that if you put your picture on these sites aren’t you asking for someone to look and decide if they like your form and face?
They can’t possibly know you from a profile that you’ve written.
Who would choose some dirty street bum who says he sleeps on the street everynight with a bottle of mad-dog?
No one.
So, obviously you put your best foot forward and tell your good qualities.
These times are stressful for dating folks, no doubt.
You don’t actually seem to be in agreement with LSLGuy there. He seems to be saying that “a man” automatically has a preferred “size/shape/color profile of women” that is so absolute that anybody who doesn’t fit it has literally no chance of attracting his interest.
You, on the other hand, seem to be saying that you as a man have specific preferences about a woman’s physical appearance, but they’re not so absolute as to constitute an obligatory “type” in your process of “mate selection”.
Similarly, I know women who have very strict “type” criteria when it comes to a man’s physical appearance, and other women whose preferences in that regard are much more fluid. So I think LSLGuy’s claim that having strict physical “type” criteria for mate selection is a defining characteristic of being “a man” is probably nonsense. (Although I would find it plausible to speculate that men on average are somewhat more “locked in” to having a preferred physical “type” for a potential mate than women are.)
Consider this, you Don’t stalk him, Don’t go in knowing he has a type. You just date him and begin to build something. And now you’re several happy months into something that’s pleasing to you. THEN you discover he happens to have a very clear type, which you, not surprisingly, fit. Would it still be freaking you out? Would it feel skeevy to you? Would you feel insecure?
I don’t think you would. Your only problem is you learned this info unnaturally early, because you stalked him. I suspect if you were already warm to each other, and a couple of months invested, it would feel very different for you. Something to consider anyway.
Fair enough. I suppose my agreement was in that certain physical characteristics are very likely to get my initial intention (because guys tend to be wired that way), even if, unlike @LSLGuy, I don’t have one particular type.
(I also suspect that, as I developed my post, the amount of agreement I had with LSL decreased over time. )
It’s also the case that I personally don’t have that narrow of a desired “type”. Really.
But I do have red lines outside of which no amount of personality or compatibility can make up for someone’s appearance beyond my red lines. Even though the guy at the next table might find that same woman just what they’re interested in.
Likewise no amount of awesome appearance can make up for behavior beyond my behavioral red lines.
What I was trying to say was that IMO/IME men tend to start their personal list of desiderata based on appearance first, other issues subsequent. Whereas women tend to not have appearance be number 1 on their list of desiderata. It’s still present, and if mismatched enough vs some particular guy she’s looking at, it can still be a deal-breaker. It just doesn’t tend to be item #1 or even item #2.
And as a result / corollary to this, women tend to get a bit offput or even skeeved out when they run up against this male tendency stated in plain terms. Especially if it’s stated in particularly specific and black/white terms. That feels foreign or wrong to them. Because it is foreign to them, and therefore sorta-wrong by their standards.
You (anyone) may or may not agree with this contention. But I think now I’ve set out what I’m trying say in sufficient clarity that we will comprehend one another, whether or not we agree.
Yes, that’s also what I wanted to stay with my last post. I mean, of course it is not bad to physically like each other, that kind of being largely the point of dating.
I suppose that, thinking more about it, for me personally the porn-ish aspect is probably what created the unease. Seeing someone kind of looking a “bodies” in that way, made me feel like just another body to be turned on by. Perhaps I would have minded less if I had, say, stalked out the fact that all his exes looked like me. Which might be a me-thing or somewhat of a generational thing where younger folks a more comfortable with looking at that kind of content. I mean, people always have, but things are much more in the open nowadays. Gen X Old Lady voice: “Ah, those millenials and their internet ways.”
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