It seems to me that most people have a “type” of person who attracts them: hair color/texture/style, body shape, proportions, facial features, ethnicity, etc. I’m talking strictly physically here, not personality-wise or emotionally. My question to married folks and those in long-term partnerships is, is it possible to have a successful, long-term relationship with someone who is not your ideal physical configuration? Or even pretty damn far from your ideal? If you can get past the fact that your lover isn’t your perfect mate physically, does he/she grow on you enough that it no longer matters? Or will you always sort of feel discontented with your mate’s appearance?
FWIW, I believe that this is more important to women than it is to men.
Specifically, while men place more importance on how attractive their partner is, women place more importance on how their partner is attractive. One manifestation of this is that while women are more likely to put up with their partner’s looks deteriorating over time, they are more likely to try to change things about how he dresses and grooms.
I’m a man who’s had serious relationships with women of many different physical types, and I don’t remember ever wishing that any of them was of a different ‘type’.
I agree wholeheartedly with F. U. Shakespeare. There’s a fairly narrow range of women that I find extremely attractive, and a very wide range of women that I find attractive enough. Either type is fine with me.
I don’t think you can end up in a relationship with someone you don’t find physically appealing. Even if you don’t think the other person is “beautiful”, all sexual relationships are based on some visceral appeal. It doesn’t matter what your kids, or family, or friends look like for you to love them, but nothing happens if you don’t lust after your future partner.
I have had relationships with a couple of women that when I wasn’t with them I would think “What the hell am I doing”. Next time I saw them the question disappeared, their presence would just light me up.
My common “type” of guy that I found attractive was blond haired, blue eyed, and slim, usually thin-framed. In college, I met a guy on my dorm floor who was dark haired, green eyed, somewhat overweight, and with a very broad frame (broad shoulders, large bone structure). At first I thought he was just a nice guy, but didn’t seem like “my type” physically. But since we kept spending time around each other, soon I realized he was a great guy, and began noticing a number of very attractive/sexy features about him. Nearly 15 years later, we’re still together, and have been married for several years. (My taste in what I think is attractive/sexy has broadened, as well. These days I’d be hard-pressed to come up with any “must have” features for a guy to be considered attractive; it’s more of an overall impression than anything else.)
Before I met my wife, my “type” was short, plumpish, pale skin, blonde, girl-next-door cute. “Mousey” with glasses? Bonus points.
My wife is very slim, “yellow” skin, dark hair, and glamorously beautiful*. In fact, a female colleague described my wife to her husband as “the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen.” (We got a quick invite to dinner after that!)
I didn’t let my preconceived “type” get in the way of letting this relationship develop. But that is because, this “type” concept is for the most part an intellectual construct for me. That is, I wasn’t actively looking for a “type” or narrowing down potential choices based on how well they matched up. Mostly just something to talk about. People that are overly restrictive in the “types” they will date, I think, approach fetishism. I’d guess I could find about 90% of the female population physically attractive in one way or another.
Having said that, I do know there would be some deal-breakers. That is, a girl could be of a “type” that I just would not find attractive, no matter what.
*At least my wife wears glasses some of the time. And while she’s slim-waisted, she’s not skinny or scrawny. Soft in all the right places.
I have a similar situation as divemaster - I usually went with girl-next-door looks and high intelligence.
I married a woman who is in my opinion drop-dead-gorgeous and extremely intelligent. Obviously I am slightly biased, but I do have students calling Mr.Phlosphr’s wife a Hotty… :rolleyes: Granted I do not prefer the nomenclature but I certainly understand it.
I am not a vain or materialistic person and I think that has a lot to do with ones opinions of their mate.
If the OP has a problem with their SO, they may want to look at their ownself and see what their moral, social, and personal attitudes are for giving weight to things such as appearance and long term loveability (<- not a word).
Physically, my s.o. is not my “absolute ideal”. He doesn’t have boobs, nor does he even remotely resemble Liv Tyler. However, I find him hotter than hell and love him to pieces.
I wasn’t my husband’s type, but he obviously found me attractive enough to fall in love with. What’s interesting is that his tastes have changed. He still doesn’t particularly like redheads, but bodywise the women he likes to look at are very much in line with how I look now.
I don’t have a particular type. He’s chubbier than I’d like, but I don’t really care about that. He has amazingly gorgeous eyes and wide shoulders, the two features I like most in a guy.
I agree with Shakespeare and ultrafilter. I don’t think men are as prone to having a type. I also believe that is one reason female stars tend to make less money than male stars. Pretty much any gorgeous babe works for pretty much every guy. Any Angelina, Demi, or Charlize will do. Whereas women seem more prone to fixing on a few stars.
We are proof that long term relationships can work out if one is not the other’s type. I have seen her drool, but not over men built like me. I’m not bad looking, I’ve been told by complete strangers that I bear a striking resemblance to the Clint Eastwood of the late 70’s and early 80’s. (But I’m aging better!) However, I am tall, slim and almost blonde, and the men she drools over tend to be about short, maybe 5’-7" to 5’ 10", very muscular with dark hair. (Although, she really liked the slave in Hidalgo. He was a little tall for her taste)
We have been together for almost 21 years now. As you would expect, some years have definitely been better than others. It would be nice, in the down years, if I were the type she drooled after. That is when not being her type has been downright depressing. Otherwise, like most women, she seems to desire the one she fell for.
I would also think that body hair, or other tactile stimuli, might be an issue. If you want Arnold and marry a Wookie, I can see where that might cause a problem.
I didn’t even realize I HAD a type until Mrs. RickJay asked me to describe the other women I’d dated. It was only then that I realized every woman I’ve ever dated more than once was about the same height (5’9" or so), between 140-170 pounds, big chest, long hair, pale skin, and with one exception all had big blue eyes. I really had never noticed a pattern.
I’ve seldom actually dated guys that were my physical “type.” I remember two, both lasted about two dates.
I perfer brown eyes (hubby has them)
I like a swimmers body (hubby has the classic teddy bear physique).
Not big on chest hair (did I mention the teddy bear thing…it isn’t just the cuddly parts that are teddy bearish).
I like glasses (Hubby is blessed with perfect vision and would look silly in glasses).
But, I have an intellectual type. Smart, funny, sarcastic, a little full of themselves. Hubby fits that to a T.
Is it possible to have a long term relationship with someone not your physical ideal. Hell, yes. Physical type doesn’t last. Swimmers bodies don’t hold up. Hair turns grey. People without glasses eventually need them. People add ten pounds. Men decide to add or remove facial hair. I’m not the same size six girl with no grey and no wrinkles he married. I’d be very concerned if I had married someone who was exactly my physical type.
Odd, I was thinking of this subject just the other day. The type that catches my eye tend to be full-sized women usually my height or so (black, latina, white) though I’ve never dated blondes. My wife on the other hand is 5’2 and weighs 107 fully dressed & soaking wet :D. But I find my wife very attractive.
The girl I’m seeing now isn’t my ‘type’. She’s a bit heavy, needs to excercise more and is tad short to be my ‘type’. However, she is the sweetest, nicest person you’d ever want to meet, which more than makes up for it.
I’ve been with some girls who were my type, but they were all rotten and self-centered. Or just plain didn’t care. A couple of them were clinically insane. I realized that physical features that spoke to me were worthless if the personality wasn’t there.
On the other hand, Dangerosa, if Really Not All That Bright does sweep the missus off her feet, I was made for you. (Except that poor vision, needs glasses thing.)
I don’t really have a type of man that I find attractive. I think that women are much better looking in general, but my SO is by far the hottest person on the planet.
He doesn’t have much of a type, either. He likes short women (he’s 5’4"), and I’m short (5’2"), and he likes pale women (I’m pale). He likes dark hair, mine is auburn-dyed-blonde. He would like it if I gained a little weight (10 pounds or so). His ex is natural blonde, pale, blue-eyed, my height and about the same weight (maybe 5-10 pounds more or less). The other women he finds attractive have a variety of hair colours, body types, ethnicities…
I’m a guy, and I agree with ultrafilter. While there is a narrow range of body types I find most attractive, there is still a wide range of body types I find very attractive.
