[QUOTE=spoke-]
Two fellas are pissing off a bridge, one fella from California and the other from Arkansas. Boy from California says, “This water sure is cold!” Boy from Arkansas says “Yeah, and deep, too!”
[/QUOTE]
Of course it’s good- it’s a Richard Pryor joke! 
I liked the joke from Millenium Man:
-What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
-Make me one with everything.
Terrible movie — Under A Cherry Moon — terrible joke. (If I remember correctly it was actually written on a piece of paper in the film.)
What’s a Wreka Stow?
It’s where black people go to buy records… the wreka stow!
An oldie, but a goodie, and holds true today:
Operation Petticoat. (Paraphrasing, as IMDB.com is highjacked at the moment.)
Cary Grant, on women: “18-60. Prior to 18, they’re protected by law. After 60, they’re protected by nature. Everything in between is fair game.”
[QUOTE=RealityChuck]
I can’t remember anything but the punch line, but there was the joke in Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More where the final line was “Shoot the dog!”
[/QUOTE]
Haven’t seen the movie, but it might be this one:
A woman gets up in the morning and finds a gorilla in the tree outside of her house. She looks in the yellow pages and finds a gorilla-removal expert. He arrives at her house with a dog, a net, a shotgun, and a stick. The woman asks what the procedure is.
He explains that he’s going to climb the tree and use the stick to knock the gorilla out. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up and grab it by the balls. The man will then throw the net over the gorilla and put it in the back of the truck.
She says, “What’s the shotgun for?”
He hands it to her and says, “If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, shoot the dog!”
[QUOTE=IvoryTowerDenizen]
Or another- shit doesn’t stick to his fur, so why not use him as TP.
[/QUOTE]
But that’s my point exactly. If it doesn’t stick to his fur, then he’ll make really lousy TP. You want to use something for TP that things will really stick to, if you get my drift.
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat]
But that’s my point exactly. If it doesn’t stick to his fur, then he’ll make really lousy TP. You want to use something for TP that things will really stick to, if you get my drift.
[/QUOTE]
That’s what I thought at first before I came up with the “don’t have a problem with = don’t mind” angle as well.
I’m embarassed by how funny I think the riddles from Jurassic Park are:
Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: Doyathinkhesawrus.
Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A: Doyathinkhesawrus Rex.
[QUOTE=ivylass]
It was just made up for the movie. There’s no punchline.
I suppose we could put our heads together and come up with one…
[/QUOTE]
I’ll give it a shot…
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” The naked blond says “your boss told me he’d give me a job if I gave him sausage while naked and and showing my pussy, but I don’t own a cat”
[QUOTE=Sternvogel]
Pat’s sister was the woman who coupled with the customers who each paid half a buck to (along with consuming the beer and meal) get laid. Thus, she’s a cheap whore.
[/QUOTE]
That’s not how I interpreted it. I assumed it was as 5-4-Fighting suggested - the kicker is that she’s a female so of course she can get laid and be given food and drink for next to nothing.
Allright, the wording is weak. Humor me, I’ll try again…
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” The naked blond says “your boss told me he’d give me a job if If I was nekkid and and gave him a big sausage. He wanted to see my pussy, but I don’t own a cat.”
still needs work
[QUOTE=Rigamarole]
That’s not how I interpreted it. I assumed it was as 5-4-Fighting suggested - the kicker is that she’s a female so of course she can get laid and be given food and drink for next to nothing.
[/QUOTE]
Me too. A situation where you get free drinks and easy sex is awesome for a guy, but a lot easier for a woman.
If TV shows count, I’ll say “Sopranos.” Uncle Junior has great delivery for jokes, especially in “Remember When.” Paulie’s jokes are funny, but more for the fact that they always fall flat and he has to repeat them to make sure they were understood.
One of my favorite Paulie jokes–
“Hey Sil, you remember your first blow job?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Oh yeah–how long did it take for the guy to come?” (And then the joke gets repeated back so that Paulie can make sure Tony heard and understood it.)
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting]
I haven’t seen the movie
but the way I took it was, it’s a joke because he’s extolling the cheapness and good things to be had at the bar, without pointing out the obviousness that his sister, A Female, is gonna get what she wants in a bar, including getting laid in the back. (Or it could be what Sternvogel said since I didn’t see the movie and don’t know the context of Galvin’s telling this joke.)
*Was this freudian?
[/QUOTE]
I assumed it was the fact that since she was a chick the person giving the free sex was a dude. I could be wrong.
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting]
I haven’t seen the movie
but the way I took it was, it’s a joke because he’s extolling the cheapness and good things to be had at the bar, without pointing out the obviousness that his sister, A Female, is gonna get what she wants in a bar, including getting laid in the back. (Or it could be what Sternvogel said since I didn’t see the movie and don’t know the context of Galvin’s telling this joke.)
*Was this freudian?
[/QUOTE]
I assumed it was the fact that since she was a chick the person giving the free sex was a dude. I could be wrong.
“How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“I dunno, Glen. One?”
“Naw, it takes three.”
Looks puzzled
“No, wait! I told it wrong. Here, I’m starting again. How come it takes so many Polacks to screw in a light bulb?”
“I dunno, Glen. How come?”
“Because they’re so darn stupid!”
Thanks OneCentStamp, I’ll try to remember it. Unfortunately, I have a mind like a steel sieve. I never know which bits are going to stay.
Okay, I’ll mention the one from Boondock Saints, now that I’m not at work. It’s one of the few times I’ve been amused by awkward situations, which normally just make me feel awkward and embarassed myself. (Warning: offensive)
[spoiler]
Players:
Funnyman: wannabe gangster, somewhat inept but good at heart.
Mob Boss: the usual evil-to-the-core but sociable Italian-American gangster.
Mob Boss: So I hear you’re funny.
Funnyman: [shrugs]
Mob Boss: Tell me a joke.
Funnyman: Ummm…okay…so…there were these three Americans on a beach, okay? And they find a lamp and they rub it, and this genie comes out and says they have three wishes? The first guy says, okay, I wish all the black people in the country…
Mob boss: Niggers.
Funnyman: okay, niggers…I wish all the niggers in this country were whisked back to their other black brothers, all their nigger brothers in Africa, and the genie says okay, so all of them are gone. Genie turns to the second guy and he said "I wish all the Hispanics, errr, Spics, were gone, and Genie says…poof! And all the His…spics, and all the black people…
Mob Boss: Niggers.
Funnyman: That’s what I said, all the niggers were gone and the genie turns to the last guy and says, what do you want?
Last guy says “So all the niggers and spics are out of the country? I think I’ll have a Coke”
Mob Boss: [makes gestures and laughs heartily]: tell me another one.
Funnyman: :eek:[/spoiler]Not an extremely funny joke, although it’s okay, but more entertaining than most jokes told in a movie, you could cut the tension with a knife.
Again, if TV shows count, I think some of the dirty jokes told in the British version of The Office are kind of funny.
What’s white and goes down walls? Michael Jackson’s latest release.
Did you hear George Michael’s new song about handjobs? It’s called Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go.
What’s black and slides down Nelson’s Column? Winnie Mandela.
Not exactly a joke, but in Catch Me If You Can, Tom Hanks’ character is a very serious, hardworking FBI agent. In a scene where he goes off on a couple wisecracking underlings, one of them asks him why he’s so uptight all the time.
“Would you like to hear me tell a joke?” he asks.
“Yeah, sure, we’d love to hear you tell a joke.”
“Alright. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Go fuck yourselves.”
Hanks’ delivery is brilliant – perfect tone, perfect timing. Just brilliant, and he looks so pleased with himself after he’s said it.
[QUOTE=Yeeter]
I liked the joke from Millenium Man:
-What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
-Make me one with everything.
[/QUOTE]
That’s great!
Bloke gives the Monk his hotdog.
The Monk gives the vendor $20.
Vendor pockets the money.
Monk asks for his change.
“Ah,” says the Vendor, “change comes from within”.