[QUOTE=e-logic]
Bloke gives the Monk his hotdog.
The Monk gives the vendor $20.
Vendor pockets the money.
Monk asks for his change.
“Ah,” says the Vendor, “change comes from within”.
[/QUOTE]
Next day the Monk goes back and orders another hot dog. The vendor gives him a double scoop of vanilla.
Daniel
[QUOTE=Garfield226]
Not exactly a joke, but in Catch Me If You Can, Tom Hanks’ character is a very serious, hardworking FBI agent. In a scene where he goes off on a couple wisecracking underlings, one of them asks him why he’s so uptight all the time.
“Would you like to hear me tell a joke?” he asks.
“Yeah, sure, we’d love to hear you tell a joke.”
“Alright. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Go fuck yourselves.”
Hanks’ delivery is brilliant – perfect tone, perfect timing. Just brilliant, and he looks so pleased with himself after he’s said it.
[/QUOTE]
It gets even better because later he offers to tell a joke to his boss, and it starts off with “Knock Knock?” I was like – holy shit, he’s going to tell his boss to fuck himself!!
[QUOTE=Ludovic]
<snip>Not an extremely funny joke, although it’s okay, but more entertaining than most jokes told in a movie, you could cut the tension with a knife.
[/QUOTE]
This made me think of a joke* that Joe Pesci’s character plays on Ray Liotta’s character in Goodfellas. (*At least he thinks it’s funny.)
From Silkwood:
“But, why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?”
[QUOTE=Ludovic]
…sociable Italian-American
[/QUOTE]
<nitpick>He was Russian.</nitpick>
Not really a joke, but in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? there’s a quick exchange between Benny the Cab and Roger during a frantic chase scene…
Benny (conversationally): Hey Roger. What do you call the middle of a song?
Roger: Gee, I don’t know Benny. (Turns around, then frantically) - A BRIDGE!!!
It’s funny because it’s in the middle of a lot of other stuff happening at high speed at the same time. Funny to ME…
Anybody recognize this? I could swear Minnie Driver told it in Good Will Hunting, but I don’t see it on the IMDb quotes page for it:
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting]
*Was this freudian?
[/QUOTE]
Isn’t everything? 
(But really: somethong? What strangeness lurks in the dark, dusty recesses of my mind?)
I was embarrassed from laughing at this joke from Master and Commander because it was such a groaner. Russel Crowe’s delivery, though, sells it. True to his character, he is so very pleased with himself when he delivers the punch line.
Captain Jack:“Do you see those two weevils doctor?”
Dr. Stephen:“I do.”
Captain Jack:“Which would choose?”
Dr. Stephen:“Neither. There is not a scrap a difference between them. They are the same species of curculio.”
Captain Jack:“If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there was no other response…”
Dr. Stephen:“Well then if your going to push me, I would choose the right hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.”
Captain Jack:“There! I have you! Your completely dished! Do you not know that in the service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils!”
[QUOTE=t-mobileguy]
I assumed it was the fact that since she was a chick the person giving the free sex was a dude. I could be wrong.
[/QUOTE]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 
What makes the joke is that, ostensibly, by telling another guy about the good things the bar offers, he’s recommending it.
But he’s not really telling the guy to go to a bar and have sex with another guy. The kicker is that, while seemingly clueless to the real reason the good things are available at the bar, he clues us in on the fact that it’s his sister, A Female, who gets cheap food, drink and ready sex in the back of bar from guys (interested in getting somethong).
Ahhh, the joke, it’s kilt now.
Trading Places, Eddie Murphy tells a joke about a snail. The punchline is “hey, just watch that S car go.”
[QUOTE=JohnT]
“How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“I dunno, Glen. One?”
“Naw, it takes three.”
Looks puzzled
“No, wait! I told it wrong. Here, I’m starting again. How come it takes so many Polacks to screw in a light bulb?”
“I dunno, Glen. How come?”
“Because they’re so darn stupid!”
[/QUOTE]
That’s a Wayhomer!
**Coming to America **- told by the old Jewish guy played by Murphy
Man goes into a restaurant, you listening, man goes into a restaurant he’s having a bowl of soup. He tells the waiter, “waiter come here taste the soup.”
Waiter says, “What is the soup to hot?”
“Just taste the soup.”
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Just taste the soup.”
“Is the soup to spicy, to salty?”
“Would you just taste the damn soup!”
"Alright! I’ll taste the soup! Where’s the spoon!?!
“Ah-ha. Ah-ha.”
(ah, what do you know from funny you bastard.)
[QUOTE=PoorYorick]
I was embarrassed from laughing at this joke from Master and Commander because it was such a groaner. Russel Crowe’s delivery, though, sells it. True to his character, he is so very pleased with himself when he delivers the punch line.
Captain Jack:“Do you see those two weevils doctor?”
Dr. Stephen:“I do.”
Captain Jack:“Which would choose?”
Dr. Stephen:“Neither. There is not a scrap a difference between them. They are the same species of curculio.”
Captain Jack:“If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there was no other response…”
Dr. Stephen:“Well then if your going to push me, I would choose the right hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.”
Captain Jack:“There! I have you! Your completely dished! Do you not know that in the service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils!”
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, but why are they called “Dog” watches?
[QUOTE=NicePete]
Yeah, but why are they called “Dog” watches?
[/QUOTE]
I actually remember that one. Because they’re cur-tailed!
You had to be there.
[QUOTE=Peter Morris]
Trading Places, Eddie Murphy tells a joke about a snail. The punchline is “hey, just watch that S car go.”
[/QUOTE]
Eddie didn’t. It was Rip Torn
Eddie’s character seemed to just roll his eyes.