Best Cartman Lines

Ok, before these “Best Lines” threads get out of hand (too late), I want to ask for the best Cartman lines ever.

One of my favorites is wonderful for the subtlty of the delivery (yes, Cartman can be subtle)

Cartman being dropped off at fat camp

Rick: Hi, you must be Eric. I’m Rick, how are you today?

Cartman: Well Rick, I’m pissed off. How are you?

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

From “Freak Strike”

“Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, b!tch! Yeah I have sex, and I don’t use protection! It’s my hot body; I’ll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don’t go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I’ll do what I waunt!”

Not two days after this episode I saw a “outta control” teen on some talk show that almost said the lines verbatim… laughed my @ss off…


I always liked the one where Cartman kisses Osama Bin Laden: “Hmmm. Tastes like chicken. Tastes like a chicken’s ass.”

“Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.”
“Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonaise.”

“Eric did you just say the F word?!?”

“Right! That does it! Screw you guys, I’m going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line.”

Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It’s all a bunch of hippie crap.

“I am a cop, and you WILL respect my AUTHORITAH!”

“Check me out, I’m such a beefcake I can’t even fit through the door.”

“Mom, if you were on an internet porn site, you’d tell me, right?”

The Kyle’s Mom is a Big, Fat Bitch Song.

“Oh, please, Kyle. Come activate my anal probe. Hurry.”

“Mom! Kitty’s being a dildo!”

“Well, I guess Kitty’s sleeping with mommy tonight!”

(Scary thing is, considering what a freaky 'ho Mrs. Cartman turned out to be, she might not have been kidding when she said that.)

Kids are at the “Cirque de Chaville” with parents.
Announcer with heavy French accent: “And now, the Cirque de Chaville”
Cartman (mimicking accent): “Sock de So-blahhh!”


“I’m not fat–I’m festively plump!”

“NO! Starving Marvin, that’s MY pot pie!”
“More tea, Polly Prissy Pants? More tea, Clyde Frog? Yes, Eric, you are the coolest boy in town!”

“Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in, or coming out of my ass?!”

If dolphins are so smart, then why do they keep gettin’ stuck in them nets?

Kyle or Stan asks Cartmann how he feels after a satellite dish comes out of his ass:

“You know that felling after you take an enouormous crap? Bliss.”

Immediately followed by the same question after the dish goes back into his ass:

“You know that feeling when that enourmous crap you just took flies back into your ass at 60 miles an hour…no of course I don’t feel alright!”

I love the way he was right at the beginning of the movie:

(sitting on couch, watching TV, muching on cheesy-poofs)

Mom! Somebody’s at the door!

(mother passes in front of the TV for brief second while opening the door that he’s too lazy to get up to open)

Hey! You’re blocking the TV!

“I wouldn’t take that kind of crap from a woman. I’d be all like, Hey! Why don’t you go in the kitchen and bake me a pie!”

Eric: “You know, maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O”