Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood

[kersting13]

@Susie_Derkins

There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it:

He took me to his house (achee-ka)
Laid me on his couch (achee-ka)
He stuck it in easy (achee-ka)
He pulled it out greasy!

This is the way we did that song. It was 5th grade and Mr. Schmiel was a doofus teacher who was re-assigned from 2nd grade to 5th grade. We all hated him.

Mr. Schmiel’s got a girlfriend (ooh-ahh)
He took her to his house (ooh-ahh)
He laid her on the couch (ooh-ahh)
He stuck it in easy (ooh-ahh)
He took it out greasy (ooh-ahh)
Her mother was disgusted (ooh-ahh)
To see her pussy busted (ooh-ahh)
Her father was surprised (ooh-ahh)
To see her tummy rise (ooh-ahh)

I can never remember if we reversed the mother & father lines.

[Quint]

Lulu’s got a whorehouse
On the edge of town
50 cents for standup
A buck for lyin’ down!

(Chorus)
Bang on Lulu,
Bang on good and hard!
Who you gonna bang on
When Lulu’s dead and gone?

City girls use Vaseline,
Country girls use lard,
Lulu uses axle grease
And gets it twice as hard!

Chorus

City girls use tampons,
Country girls use rags,
Lulu’s so damn loose
She uses burlap bags!

Chorus

Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
They would have called it Lulu
Bit the bastard had a cock!

Chorus

There was more, but it was a long time ago!!

[Quint]

Lulu banged a zombie…

[Ronald_C.Semone]

We sang these in grade school circa 1950

To the tune of** On Top Of Old Smokey**

On top of old Smokey
All covered with snow
There lay Betty Grable
Without any clothes
Along came Gene Autry
A clippity-clop
He fucked Betty Grable
On that mountain top.

To the tune of St. Louis Woman

St. Louis woman, with all her diamond rings
She went to bed with a fountain pen.
The rubber it broke and the ink went in.
And now she’s anursing a coon-boy kin.

[taffygirl]

@Nature_s_Call

We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of “Bridge on the River Kwai”)
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they’re too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all

We didn’t know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

…and (to the tune of “Whistle While You Work”)
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mousellini pulled his weenie
Now it doesn’t work

In my neighborhood, it was “bit his weinie,” which may make more sense.

I’ve always liked how the culture of children is passed on from kid to kid, generation to generation. I learned that little ditty in the early 60s, and you know it originated in the early 40s.

[JKellyMap]

@taffygirl

In my neighborhood, it was “bit his weinie,” which may make more sense.

I’ve always liked how the culture of children is passed on from kid to kid, generation to generation. I learned that little ditty in the early 60s, and you know it originated in the early 40s.

Link to Cecil’s discussionof the Hitler-one-ball ditty.

[Amanda_the_Wuss]

This isn’t from my childhood, but…

This past year, living with a roommate who was fond of the exclamation “Fuck a duck!”, I found myself frequently remembering something I’d seen in a thread similar to this one on another message board a long time ago:

(to the tune of “Row row row your boat”):

Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Finger-bang an orangutang
An orgy at the zoo!

[astorian]

@SandyHook

Casey Jones was a son-of-a-bitch
Drove his train into a whore house ditch
Lined a hundred whores against the wall
Bet ten dollars he could fuck them all
Fucked ninty-eight until his balls turned blue
Backed off and jacked off
And fucked the other two.

Awwwww, they don’t make them like that anymore.

I remember Lou Gossett making Richard Gere do Marine exercises while chanting this one, in An Officer and a Gentleman.

[pancakes3]

when you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter… diarrhea. diarrhea.
when you’re sitting in your chevy and you feel something heavy… diarrhea. diarrhea. etc.

also, i know at least 2-3 more verses of the Suzie Tugboat song, but i learned it as a steamboat.

[BrotherCadfael]

This one’ll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Got behind the door with a loaded .44,
She ain’t gonna teach no more!
A few years ago, I found the ultimate reference for these songs: Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: The Subversive Folklore of Childhood. Good stuff.

[Uncle_Brother_Walker]

I learned this one in the Boy Scouts:

(Sung to the tune of “Nothin’ Could Be Finer”)

Nothin’ could be finer to be in your vagina
In the Mooorn-iiiing
Nothin’ would be sweeter than your lips around my peter
In the Mooorn-iiiing

I’m trying to think of another, but it’s late.

[Ronald_C.Semone]

@Uncle_Brother_Walker

I learned this one in the Boy Scouts:

(Sung to the tune of “Nothin’ Could Be Finer”)

Nothin’ could be finer to be in your vagina
In the Mooorn-iiiing
Nothin’ would be sweeter than your lips around my peter
In the Mooorn-iiiing

I’m trying to think of another, but it’s late.

I learned the last line as “Nothing could be sweeter than my honey when I eat her.”

[JessMagic]

The Hitler/one ball ditty was still doing the rounds in Aberdeenshire, UK in the 1980s. A timeless classic!

Also - wow, Yellow Submarine is popular with schoolkids! Our version was not so much dirty, more nonsensical:

We all live in a yellow submarine
A house in Aberdeen
A tin of baked beans

Another favourite was:

Do your balls hang low?
Can you swing 'em to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you swing them over your shoulder, like a regimental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

And, at the height of Fraggle Rock’s popularity, in the days when everyone watched the same TV programmes:

Down at Fraggle Rock
Swing that Fraggle by the cock
Bash him over the head
'Til the bastards dead

[enomaj]

Would you suck my dick for a $100?
No.
Would you suck my dick for a $1,000?
No.
Would you suck my dick for a $1,000,000?
No.
What would you suck it for?
Nothing.
OK. Suck it for nothing.

I fell for this joke.

[Yorikke]

Another book title :

“The Invisible Bikini” by Seymour Hair

Joe

[Maeglin]

@BrotherCadfael

This one’ll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Got behind the door with a loaded .44,
She ain’t gonna teach no more!
A few years ago, I found the ultimate reference for these songs: Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: The Subversive Folklore of Childhood. Good stuff.

We had another version of this. I think this is how it went.
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
So I shot her in the butt with a rotten coconut,
And the shit came tumbling out.

Here’s the first verse of another classic from summer camp, sung to the tune of Moondance.

*It’s a beautiful night for a twat fight,
and the twats are all red,
Because their owners are all dead.
*

I’ll be damned if I can remember the rest.

[Bam_Boo_Gut]

@pancakes3

when you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter… diarrhea. diarrhea.
when you’re sitting in your chevy and you feel something heavy… diarrhea. diarrhea. etc.

also, i know at least 2-3 more verses of the Suzie Tugboat song, but i learned it as a steamboat.

Some people think it’s funny but it’s really brown and runny … diarrhea etc

Similar to the Chinaman jokes, ending in: Me no daft me no silly, me put condom on my willy.

Glory glory halleluiah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I hit her in the eye
With a steak and kidney pie
And I aint going back no more

[KMR1990]

This one is the best of all!!!

Kiss my act-ta-back-ta
My Soda Cracka
My GTO, My Booty hole
Yo Ma; Yo Pa; Yo Greasy Greasy Grandma
Yo Ma look like Frankenstein, with a low, low lip and a high behind!

Hard to believe after 36 years I still remember these silly things!!

[Arglefraster]

I learned this one at 4-H Camp

I hear you knockin’ but you cant come in.
I’m in my nighty and it’s awful thin.
I wanna do it but i know it’s a sin.
Aw heck, come on in!

[JohnT]

This one I found REALLY funny at the age of 12. Now, it seems like a joke a 12 year-old would like…

*There were these two men who were kidnapped, and taken to a farm as the kidnappers made their demands known.

Unfortunately, the response received was “Hell no, we’re not paying that much!” So the kidnappers decided to torture the men, videotape the torture, then send it back to the people who received the original ransom demand.

One of the men was taken from the barn where they were being held, and the kidnapper who was holding him hostage handed him a basket: “I want you to pick 100 of your favorite fruit!”

Puzzled, the man picked 100 strawberries, then had to lug the basket back to the barn, whereupon the other hostage left with another kidnapper.

The kidnapper turned on a video camera and barked: “Now, I want you to bend over and stick each fruit up your ass - and don’t lose count!”

So the poor hostage is sticking strawberries up his butt… “29… 30… 31…” Then, to the kidnapper’s surprise, the hostage bursts out laughing.

“What’s so damned funny?!”

“That other guy? His favorite fruit is watermelons!”*

Like I said, you have to be 12 to appreciate the subtlety in this one.

And while not “dirty”, per se, I’ve successfully passed off the following ditties to my daughter, who I’m sure, will pass it off to her kids:

(Sung to the tune of “On Top of Old Smokey”)

*On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese.
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And onto the floor.
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush.
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.*

Then there’s the one sung to the tune of “America”:

*My country’s sick of me!
I moved to Germany,
To see my King!

His name was Donald Duck!
He drives a Garbage Truck!
And he lives in a haunted house,
With Mickey Mouse!*

Actually, the only thing dirty in the last one was the garbage truck reference.