*Tiddlywinks, young man,
get a woman if you can;
if you can’t get a woman,
get a clean old man!
Shake it high, shake it low,
then you shake it to and fro!
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Do they make a rusty clamor
when you hit them with a hammer?
Can you do the double shuffle
when your balls hang low?*
Hitler
has only got one ball!
Goering
has two but they are small!
Himmler
is somewhat sim’lar!
And Goebbels hasn’t
got any
at all!
Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
mutilated monkey meat,
little turdey-birdie feet!
Great big gobs of vomit rolling down the street,
and me without my spoon! 
…as I already mentioned in this thread, nearly three years ago… 
(bolding mine)
Damn, I’m glad somebody resurrected this thread! There’s some ‘gut-busting’ funny stuff in here.
('Screwy Dick, is my favorite! :D)
(to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”)
This land is my land,
It isn’t your land,
I’ve got a shotgun,
And you don’t got one,
If you don’t get off,
I’ll blow your head off,
This land is Private Property.
I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I eat all the junk, I smell like a skunk
I’m Popeye the sailor man
Alternative line 3: (I eat all the worms, I spit out the germs)
Is that anything like a “phallus”? 
There once was a young girl named Jill;
used a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
*I’m Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a frying pan.
You turn on the gas and I’ll burn off my ass.
I’m Popeye the sailor man.
I’m Popeye the sailor man,
I’m Popeye the sailor man.
I love to go swimmin’ with barenaked women.
I’m Popeye the sailor man.*
LOL…I wonder where this came from…besides from the Zombies.
Im from the Arlington Va area…
Your a Mother Fucker Tittie Sucker Two Ball Bitch
Your Mothers in the kitchen cooking red hot shit
Your Brothers in Heaven
Your Fathers in Hell
Your sisters’ outside sayin’ pussy for sale
You can Kiss my acrobat, My Solar crack
My GTO, My Sterio
Your Momma
Your Poppa
You got a greasy can
You got a hole in your pan
You got a big behind like a Frankenstein
You go toot toot toot like a prostitute
You go peep peep peep down sesame street
Here’s your big bird (shows middle fingers)
Up on the roof top
All covered in mud
I shot my poor teacher
With a 44 slug
I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
Some people threw flowers
I threw a grenade
Why do I still remember this crap from elementary school. :smack:
There was a series of “Confucius say” jokes; these are the only two I remember:
Confucius say -
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Confucius say -
Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up.
Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.
Confucius say:
He who fart in church sit in own pew.
Woman who slide down banister rail get slivers, by cracky!
Man with hand in pocket feel pretty cocky.
True story, swear to God:
I wrote the following when I was a sophomore in high school and sang it for a dude at summer camp (this was back in 1972):
Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
With an eye for the fellers
and a rod like a mighty oak tree!
Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
He was gay, he was swishy,
and as queer as a fishwife was he!
From the pink beret on the top of old Dan
to the toe of his his high-heeled shoe,
the gayest, sweetest, horniest swish
the Frontier ever knew!
Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
[ALTERNATIVE ENDING 1]
And he’d walk through the forest
just to look for an Injun to lay!
What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert!
How fey!
[ALTERNATIVE ENDING 2]
And he fought for America,
to make all Americans gay!
What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert!
How fey!*
The next year, I went back to the same camp and heard another guy singing it verbatim.
“Hey!” I said. “I wrote that song!”
“No, you didn’t!” he replied. “A guy named ____________ at my school [the same guy I had taught it to the year before] wrote it!”
*With profuse apologies to our beloved homosexual community of today, of course!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler!
Shot her with a six-shooter!
Never gonna go to school!
There was a young man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt
I could fuck it.
There was a young man from Australia
Who has his ass painted like a Dahlia
The color was fine
As was the design
But the aroma
That was a failure.
(from the movie “Breaker Morant”)
Squeeze it, tease it,
Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it 'round the bedpost,
Slam it in the door!
In school, little Johnny kept calling his teacher Miss Pussy.
Every time he spoke her name the teacher corrected him saying, “Johnny, my name is Prussy, not Pussy.”
During the day, despite numerous corrections about the pronunciation of the teacher’s name, little Johnny continued saying things like, “Miss Pussy, I need to go to the bathroom.” “Miss Pussy, I know the answer.”
Finally, Miss Prussy made little Johnny stay after school and told him, “I want you to go home tonight and remember my name is Miss Prussy.” “I want you to repeat to yourself all night tonight, ‘Prussy, pussy with an R, Prussy, pussy with an R, pussy with an R’”
So little Johnny did that all night, “pussy with an R, pussy with an R, pussy with an R…”
The next morning little Johnny walks into class and the teacher says, “Good morning Johnny.”
Little Johnny replies, “Good morning Miss Crunt.”
BrotherCadfael wrote first verse
To the ending tune of Tarantella
Squeeze it, tease it,
Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it 'round the bedpost,
Slam it in the door!
I knew a friend that knew a friend
that said that intercourse was grand;
If you do not mind I think I’ll take my sex by hand.