Best Joke I've heard in months

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. “Hey Batman! Who’s good in the sack?” “Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland. Why don’t you try her?”, replied Batman. “I’d love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.” “Damn shame,” said Batman as he waved good-bye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. “Hey, I’m looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who’s the best babe in comicland?” “Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don’t you try her?” “Well, we’re sort of friends,” Superman said, “but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much” and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. “Goddamn it!” he thought to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here.” So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. “What the hell was that??!!” she exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, “But my ass is killing me!”

102

A man wanders out into his backyard and hears some shoveling in the next yard so he has a look over the fence. The next door kid is shoveling dirt into a hole and the man asks “what ya up to?” The kid, a little sniffely replys “my goldfish died and I’m burying him.” The man, a little surprised, asks “isn’t that a pretty big hole for a goldfish?” And the kid replys, “that’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

thank you, thank you, I’ll be in town all week.

103

Friend#1 tells friend#2, “I just heard of this great bar. For 5 bucks you get a beer, a sandwich, and after that you go in the back and you get laid.”

Friend#2 says, “Wow, what a deal, where is this bar?”

Friend#1 says, “I forget, I gotta ask my sister.”

There’s always another beer.

104

A writer in NYC was having a terrible year. He was suffering from writer’s block, his labrador retriever died and his wife left him. He decided he needed to get away and make a fresh start, so he bought a mountain cabin and moved to West Virginia.

The move did wonders for him. He began writing again and finally finished what he considered a great novel. Unfortunately, he had been working in his cabin for six months and had not seen another person the whole time. He was very lonely.

One day he heard a knock on the door. He was excited, “Finally a visitor! This is great!” He answered the door and a huge, unkempt mountain man wearing a plaid shirt and overalls loomed in the doorway.

“My name’s Enid,” the mountain man said, “I live at the next place over the mountain there, about a mile away.”

“Great,” said the writer, “It’s wonderful to see someone again.”

“I’m having a party Saturday night. Wanna come over?” said Enid.

“That would be great,” the writer replied.

“Well, there might be some drinkin’,” Enid said.

“I haven’t had a drink in six months. I could stand one,” the writer said.

“There might be some fightin’,” Enid said.

“That’s OK, I get along pretty well with people. Besides, I can handle myself,” said the writer.

“There might be some wild sex,” Enid said.

“Well, I’ve been alone for a while, so that sounds pretty good,” the writer said, “So count me in. I’ll be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t matter,” said Enid, “It’ll just be you and me.”

105

AWB: I think I posted that joke in the STMB before.

Gr8Kat: Hahahaha! Amen! (Yes, I’m from Oregon.)

Okay, now I’ve got 2 new jokes.

<font color=“D04040”>WARNING: This one’s sick:

Q: Why is Michael Jackson like McDonalds?

A: They both stick their meat into 8-year-old buns.

(ewww.)

Joke #2.

<font color=“FF0000”>WARNING:<font color=“000000”> This one’s even more sick (IMHO):

A man walks into a whorehouse, and says to the manager “All I’ve got is a nickel. What can I get for a nickel?”

So the manager says “Only a nickel, eh? You can’t get much for that. Except…well, there is door #2…”

“Deal,” the guy says, not knowing what is behind door #2. He pays the money and goes down the hall to door #2.

The room behind door #2 has nothing in it except for a pig.

“Aww, geez,” the guy says, but thinks “well, I already payed the nickel, so…”

And he gets down on his knees and has sex with the pig. And then he leaves.

The next day, he feels horny, so he goes to the whorehouse again.

This time he says “All I’ve got is a dime. What can I get for a dime?”

And the manager says “The only thing you can get for a dime is door #2 or door #3.”

“Okay,” the guy says, and goes into door #3.

Inside room #3, there are a bunch of guys in a dark room masturbating, in front of what looks like a 1-sided mirror. On the other side, there is a man and 2 women having sex.

“Alright, this is pretty cool,” the guy says.

“Yes,” says the guy next to him, "you should’ve been here yesterday. There was a guy fucking a pig!

106

Top 10 things that sound dirty at the office but aren’t:

  1. I need to whip it out by 5.
  2. Mind if I use your laptop?
  3. Just stick it in my box.
  4. If I have to lick one more I’ll gag!
  5. I want it on my desk NOW!
  6. HMMMM…Ithink it’s out of fliud.
  7. My equipement is so old it takes forever to finish.
  8. It’s an entry level position.
  9. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
  10. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there !
107

College Freshman to a Professor he’s just stopped on campus: “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library’s at?”

Professor: “Young man, we do not end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to try that question again?”

Student: “Okay, can you tell me where the library’s at, asshole?”

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank

108

Woody Allen:

“I was expelled from NYU in my freshman year… I cheated on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

Judy Tenuta:

“I got an A in my philosophy course. I proved my teacher didn’t exist.”

109

Oops, sorry about that. In my above post, only the first “WARNING” should be reddish, not the whole joke.

110

A Brit and a Scot (or, politically less correct, a Limey and a Jock) are nighbours.
One morning they both walk into their respective backyards, only to find that the Limey’s chicken has laid an egg in the Jocks backyard.

“Well, listen here”, says the Limey, “Since my chicken produced the egg, the egg belongs to me.”

“On the contrary, ya cheap Limey bastard”, the Jock replies, “Anything that lands on my property belongs to ME.”

A heated debate follows. The parties are unable to settle it.

Finally, the Limey suggests a solution: “OK. Here’s the deal. I’ll kick you in the nuts really hard and time how long it takes you to get to your feet again. You then do the same to me. The man who’s on his feet quickest gets the egg”. The Jock, failing to see another solution, agrees.

The Limey then kicks the Jock in the nuts REALLY hard. The Jock goes down and doesn’t come up for 2 minutes and 34 seconds.

The Jock steps into his barn and comes out again wearing his steel plated work boots. With these, he kicks the Limey in the balls INCREDIBLY hard. The Limey goes down, howling in pain. After over 10 minutes of moaning, he manages to get himself on his feet again.

Still holding his nuts, the Limey says, “Alright. Fair’s fair, you’ve beaten me and are rightfully entitled to the egg in question”.

The Jock starts laughing and replies, “Keep the fuckin’ egg !”

Coldfire

“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
111

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.”