Best Joke I've heard in months

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

The Queen of England and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. Her Majesty says to his Holiness, “Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every limey in the crowd.

The Pope responds, “Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months.”

The Queen seriously doubts this … “One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for a week? Show me.”

So the Pope headbutts her.

82

Hey BORIS…

Your post reminds me of a comic I saw once that I thought was a scream (and i think 49 out of 50 comics suck bigtime). He was really twisted, really sick, and really odd.

The only two bits of his I remember:

“Women. Can’t live with 'em… can’t twist 'em into balloon animals.”

And this:

“Ya know what I hate? Ya know how great it is when you’re fucking a 12 year old girl, you’re really enjoying yourself, it’s feeling really great…and then the whole thing’s ruined when you remember…that you’re gonna have to kill her?”

Sick as hell …and that’s why it’s so funny. Anything that blatantly and unapologetically outrageous has to be funny.

83

Did you ever wonder what happened to all the people who tested preparations A through G?

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A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.” said the man.

“Yes go on.” said the astounded judge.

“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.”

“Yes go on.” said the judge.

“And he asked ‘Can you prove you`re from New York City?’. So I stabbed him.”

–
peas on earth

84

Coldfire…I thought it was frickin’ HILARIOUS, even after you explained it.

The best one-liner I’ve ever heard from a stand-up (and I heard it while I was still nursing my pride after my [atheist] fiancé dumped me, so that may have affected my judgement):
My girlfriend and I just broke up over religious differences…I’m Catholic, and she’s the Devil…

Il vaut mieux gâcher sa jeunesse que de n’en rien faire du tout. – Georges Courteline

85

Advice on catching a polar bear:

It has been discovered that polar bears cannot resist the taste of canned peas. therefore, it best to use them for bait.

Do this- go out onto the ice and cut a large hole. Sprinkle the peas all around.

Now hwen the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole…

86

A woman goes into a grocery store. She picks up one apple, one can of soda, one donut, and one small frozen pizza. She takes her selections to the checkout. The clerk says, “I’ll bet you are single and live alone.” The woman answers, “why yes, how did you know?”
The clerk replies, “Because you are so f***ing ugly!”

87

dek…I just had to tell you I actually laughed right out loud at that one…
Way too funny.
Zette

Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you’re gonna die…
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

88

So this young boy sits down to dinner with his parents on a weekday evening. His mother asks, “what did you do today at school”? The kid replies, and obviously very proud of himself, “I had sex with the Teacher”! The mom is absolutely horrified, after screaming at her son she tells her husband to take him out to the shed and punish him. Once out to the shed the Dad asks, “did you really have sex with the teacher”? The son sez, “yup”. “Good job son! WOW! I was way older than you my first time! Tell ya what, as a reward why don’t we go down to the bicycle shop tomorrow and get you that new bike you’ve been looking at”! The son replies, “That’s great dad, but can I get a rain check on that, my ass REALLY hurts”!

89

this was in the ‘bob levey’s washington’ column in the ‘washington post’. every year he compiles & prints the ‘best t-shirts of the summer’.

(around a pic of dandelions) i fought the lawn & the lawn won.

i suffer occasional delusions of adequacy.

god made us sisters. prozac made us friends.

my mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

i just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do.

(worn by a pregnant woman) a mad did this to me, oprah.

it it’s called tourist season, why can’t we hunt them?

senior citizen: give me my damn discount!

princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

(over the outline of the state of minnesota) my governor can beat up your governer.

what if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

i didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

(on the front) yale is just one big party
(on the back) with a $25,000 cover charge

liberal arts major: will think for money

growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

gravity: it’s not just a good idea. it’s the law.

wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.

old age comes at a bad time.

in american, anyone can be president. that’s one of the risks you take.

first things first, but not necessarilly in that order.

90

WARNING: clean jokes ahead! no profanity, no sexual content, no child abuse, no references to excrement!
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Anybody still reading? Okay, here goes:
(good ol’ country-fried humor)
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Three old coon hunters are on one of their porches, arguing about who had the best coon dog. One says:
“Look here, my Ol’ Blue can trail a coon scent that’s five years old.”
The others swore that was impossible, so the guy whistles for his dog and Ol’ Blue comes running up. The man says:
“Blue, remember that one-eyed coon what come through here five years ago?”
The dog nods.
“Go track 'im, boy!”
So the dog starts sniffing the ground and runs off into the woods, the three men right behind him. They scramble through briars, run up and down ridges, cross creeks, finally coming out into a cow pasture.
They’re trotting across the field when suddenly the dog stops, backs up a few paces, runs forward and leaps several feet into the air, and then continues running. The skeptics are puzzled, and ask the owner:
“What the heck is he doin’?”
He answers:
“Why, he’s jumpin’ over the fence.”
They counter:
“There ain’t no fence there!”
He calmly replies:
“There was five years ago.”
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I went down to Atlanta with my buddy from Kentucky. First store we were in, I said:
“Gimme a sack of maters and a poke of taters.”
The clerk said:
“You must be from Tennessee.”
I said:
“How’d you know?”
She said :
“I can tell by the way you talk.”
We made our purchase and went on. My friend was impressed, and decided he’d try it at the next store. So when we went in, he said:
“Gimme a sack of maters and a poke of taters.”
The clerk said:
“You must be from Kentucky.”
He said: “By the way I talk?”
She said:
“No, because this is a hardware store.”
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This tourist is admiring the hand-carved figures an old man is selling by the side of the road. There are hundreds of miniature people and animals of various kinds and they are amazingly lifelike. The tourist says:
“So you had no formal training?”
Old man says:
“Nope.”
The tourist says:
“And the only tool you use is that rusty little pocket knife?”
Old man says:
“Yep.”
The tourist says:
“It’s truly incredible. I don’t see how you do it.”
The old man says:
“Wail, say I want to make a dawg. What I do is, I take me a block of wood…an’ I just cut off everthang that don’t look like a dawg.”

91

Sadie and Max were lying in bed one evening when Max let out a little flatus. He turned to his wife and said: 7 to zero. A few minutes later, Sadie, not to be denied let out one of her own and said 7 to 7 Sam. A short time later, Sam came through with a real thunderous one and said 14-7!!. Sadie always a competitor quickly returned a blast from her hind end and said 14-14!!! Max tried as hard as he could…straining and straining but no flatus followed but some disturbing liquid did…And Max said: HALF TIME, CHANGE SIDES!. .

92

Sadie and Max were lying in bed one evening when Max let out a little flatus. He turned to his wife and said: 7 to zero. A few minutes later, Sadie, not to be denied let out one of her own and said 7 to 7 Sam. A short time later, Sam came through with a real thunderous one and said 14-7!!. Sadie always a competitor quickly returned a blast from her hind end and said 14-14!!! Max tried as hard as he could…straining and straining but no flatus followed but some disturbing liquid did…And Max said: HALF TIME, CHANGE SIDES!. .

93

A mailman was on his rounds in the week before Christmas, and the lady who lived in the last house on his route invited him in for a cup of coffee. He was finished for the day anyway, so he accepted. After a few minutes, she excused herself and returned shortly afterwards wearing a filmy, seductive negligee. She asked him if he wanted to join her upstairs, and again he accepted. They made love in the master bedroom, and afterwards, she reached over to her purse, took out a dollar, and handed it to him.

Puzzled, he asked, “What’s this for?”

The lady said, “Well, my husband and I were talking the other night about what to get everyone for Christmas. I asked him, what about the mailman? He said, screw the mailman, give him a dollar.”

94

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. Fortunately for him, a tow truck came by and took him and his car to a garage in the next little town. The mechanic said he could give the penguin an analysis and estimate in about an hour.

The penguin decided to walk around town. Being that he was a polar animal and it was a hot day, he needed something cold. He went into an ice cream store and bought a vanilla cone.

As he was walking back to the garage, the cone melted quicker than he could eat. Not having opposable thumbs, this made for him getting melted ice cream all over himself.

When he got to the garage, the mechanic came over to him to explain what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“Naw, it’s just a little vanilla ice cream.”

Everybody got to elevate from the norm - Rush

95

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon … and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

-it’s all in the delivery

96

A Frenchman is in an English court, the judge is summing up: “Sir, you have been found guilty of the henious and disgusting crime of necrophilia, do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?”
Frenchie:“Ah you see sir, ah din’t know she waz dead, Ah thought she was English.”

97

Two men are drinking in a lounge at the top of the tallest building in town. They are exchanging stories when one of them tells the other that the winds outside are so strong that you can jump out the window and you’ll float right back up. The other man calls bullshit on this, so the first walks over to the window and jumps out. Several seconds later, he comes gliding slowly up and steps calmly back into the room. The second man says “That’s amazing! Let me try!” and steps out the window. The bartender turns to the first man and says “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”

http://www.madpoet.com
Computers have let mankind make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns.

98

Guy walks in a bar and notices a huge pickle jar full of $20 bills, probably several hundred dollars’ worth. He asks the bartender about it. Bartender says:
“Well, you put a $20 bill in there and then you can try to win the whole jar of money. Nobody’s done it yet.”
Eagerly the guy puts a 20-spot in the jar and says: “I’m in! What do I have to do?”
“Well, first you have to drink a quart of Hot Pepper Tequila without flinching. Then you have to go out back where I keep my Pit Bulldog. He has an abscessed tooth…you have to pull it out with your bare hands. Then you have to go upstairs to where the owner of the bar stays. She’s 90 years old. You have to have sex with her and give her an orgasm.”
The guy is a pretty heavy drinker, so he grabs the bottle and starts guzzling. He drinks and drinks; he’s sweating and tears are running down his cheeks, but he does not flinch. When the bottle is empty, he goes staggering out the back door.
The bartender hears the most horrible commotion of barking and growling and snarling and yelping and howling…then silence. After a a few minutes, the guy comes stumbling back in, splattered with blood, his clothing in shreds…but alive. Before the astonished barkeep can say anything, the guy drunkenly shouts:
“Now where’s that woman with the bad tooth?”

99

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Oregon”, the most glorious place on Earth. There’s beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite grasslands. The people from Oregon are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? …You said there will be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-assed, arrogant piss-ants I’m putting next to them in California!”

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

The Kat House
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100

A newly wed couple are having marital problems. They go to a counselor. The counselor starts asking all kinds of questions trying to get to the root of the problem. He starts to ask intimate questions. “Do you have mutual oragasm?”
“Why no”." We have State Farm", they say in unison