I had a disagreement with a friend of mine the other day. She said that women would find this incredibly insulting akin to a prenup but I said that they shouldn’t and should look at it from my (a guy’s) standpoint. I thought I’d do a little survey to see what you guys think. If you can list your gender that would be great, thanks.
If a boyfriend wants to keep his “little black book” just in case the relationship goes sour (and has told the girlfriend about the it and the reason why), is that ok? My friend thinks that is like assuming the relationship will go bad in the first place. But I think, and I believe most guys think this way, that it should have no bearing on the relationship. People can’t predict the future and something may go wrong months or years down the line, you just don’t know. Having a book of girls who you can rebound on isn’t a big deal if the guy doesn’t use it during the relationship. And of course, once they are engaged, he will toss it.
So what do you guys think?
On the flip side, if a girl wanted to keep something like that, I would be totally cool with it.
For the first few weeks of the relationship, I’d keep it. If things got more serious, I’d toss it. I can’t imagine wanting to call someone that I’d met years ago to get back together. That would be time to start a new LBB.
In theory. In practice, I’ve kept mine for decades. It’s also the place where I keep info on friends, family, and business contacts.
People actually have little black books? I thought they were something out of Archie comics. How is it different from a regular address book? Just contacts of women (or your preferred gender), or are there stars and notes and things?
I would find it odd if my SO kept his if only because I’d feel the need to point out that computers are like big books where you never run out of ink. I guess the equivalent is… staying Facbook friends with exes and past flings?
Actually, I have a file called LBB.txt. No star ratings or anything like that, just contact information. When it became irrelevant to me, I didn’t delete it mostly because I stopped thinking about it. When I came back to it a year later, my reaction to the names was pretty much “eww, eww, eww, eww, eww, eww, yum.”
I don’t find a pre-nup insulting, but I think being insulted that my boyfriend had relationships and enjoyed them before we met is insecure and vice versa.
If he is so attached to such a backup plan, a guy is clearly looking for an ‘out’.
It is a quadgmire of insecurities quandry that only can get amped up with alcohol involved.
A prenup is you and your future spouse saying that you love one another enough to set some ground rules ahead of time in case you decide to end things later for some reason. It protects both of you and is not insulting in any way.
Keeping your little black book is fine. Telling your girlfriend about it is not. That is the equivalent of saying, “I just want you to know that I’ve got sexay ladies lined up for when I get tired of fucking you.”
This is my take on it. Plus, comparing the little black book to a pre-nup isn’t a like-to-like comparison. The little black book is an address book; the pre-nup is a contract meant to protect property. The former is a good way to keep track of people you’d like to have casual sex with again; the latter is a good way to make sure either party doesn’t get hosed in the event things don’t wind up the way you thought they would.
I don’t think they’re that different; they’re both protection against a relationship gone sour. But this situation is not akin to getting a prenup, but more like insisting that a preexisting prenup be canceled or invalidated.
How did this even come up in conversation? Did he announce it, did she ask? Either would be weird, I think.
If they’ve been together for a long time, it would be weird. Like TDN said upthread, you’re not likely to call someone again if you last dated them 2 years ago. I don’t think it’s weird or insulting to keep it around for awhile, though I can’t necessarily say how long. I would think most people would keep it around, then just forget about it if the relationship continued, and find it in a drawer somewhere a few years later. That’s what I’d probably end up doing in that situation, anyway.
It was a hypothetical that came about from a similar topic of discussion I had with her.
This same friend of mine had an old boyfriend who was into porn. Him lying about having it and hiding it eventually lead them to break up. I told her that she shouldn’t be so harsh on him, that if she just let him have the porn, he wouldn’t have to lie about it or hide it from her in the first place. She of course thought that if her bf had porn, it meant that she wasn’t good enough or didn’t satisfy him. I told her it was because he’s a guy
If he’s stupid enough to mention it to her, he deserves whatever grief she gives him for it. If she, say, dug it up by snooping, the opposite holds true.
I can’t figure out why it’s not fine to keep it. There are any number of reasons I might want to call my former objects of attraction that have nothing to do with sex.
When my car stereo was stolen I called a former boy-toy that worked at a stereo place, and he hooked me up, and also came out to the house and installed the new one for me. How would I have done that if I hadn’t kept his contact information?
I’ve had men tell me they have been made to get rid of keepsakes, photos, contact information, porn, all sorts of things. I just don’t get it, if my love has any of those things tucked away somewhere I’m not threatened by them. Flaunting them at me would offend me though, except the porn, we share porn.
Strange. I’ve never heard of someone with a LBB that was ONLY ex girlfriends. All of the ones I’m aware of had family, college buddies and other people in it, just like any other address book. Not just a list of bootie calls.
Of course, I don’t think I’ve seen someone actually using an address book in at least 10 years either. Welcome to the age of cell phones and email address books.
Regardless, I wouldn’t throw it out if I had one. Even if I had no intention of ever calling one of the women again, I’d keep it in case I ever wanted to remember someone’s or something. Never know what I’ll forget something like that and it would drive me insane until I remembered it.
Also… most men have porn. Most men enjoy it. Demanding that a man get rid of it will just put it into hiding.
A guy telling the woman he’s with about stuff like this is a goddamn moron. I don’t see the big deal in keeping it, but keep it to yourself. To tell your girlfriend “Yeah, I’m totally keeping my book of hookups” is a jerky thing to do and you deserve whatever grief you get for your unnecessary honesty.
If “little black book” is a cutesy name for an address/contacts list, fine.
If the “little black book” is the classic version with stars and ratings and a cast of thousands, he’s too skeevy to date anyway, so I’ll assume the former.
Obviously, if you’re just dating, then you’d keep your book. Mentioning the book (as a “LBB”, not as an address book) to your date is called being an asshole.
Once the relationship has become serious, keeping the book is fine, since we’re assuming that it’s just a part of your address book. You’re not required to clean out your address book, you’re not required to dispose of old pictures, you don’t have to pretend that life began when you started dating this person.
Keeping the list specifically because you might need those particular names again someday soon pretty much seems like you plan for this relationship to fail, and therefore shouldn’t be in it. That makes you an asshole again.
Telling the SO that you’re keeping your “LBB” is probably jerkish, depending on the relationship. Telling her you’re specifically keeping it “just in case” is back to skeevy.
I don’t see what any of this has to do with prenups, nor why prenups are insulting.
For that matter, I don’t get why it would be “insulting” for BF to keep LBB. He might be a jerk, depending on other behaviour, but not insulting.
I’ve had mine for over 20 years. The last time I had to put someone in it, I was a little annoyed that it had a space for phone number. Is that cell or land line? And where do I put the e-mail address?
I had to use up the space for two people just to put one person in.
