What, you think guys on the SDMB are just going to pimp themselves out for some random internet woman? Without even finding out if she has a nice rack?
Okay, whiterabbit’s ex, you can stop hiding–we know it’s you!
But, see, wives (and husbands) aren’t supposed to come and go. If you marry with the assumption that it’ll end, then why bother gettng married?
Which is exactly what his mommy wants. If it ain’t her, it ain’t nobody.
Actually, it’s probably his mom, logged in under his sn, or standing behind him, leaning over his shoulder and telling him what to write. 
I too had a friend who dated a much older man who was a little too close to his mother. She was 21, he was (we can only guess) at least 45.
You see, his age kept changing. He started out at 30 and just kept pushing it up every few dates.
Whiterabbit, I’ll thirty-second all the comments that you’ll probably come out ahead by ending the relationship. I mean, the guy couldn’t even clearly communicate that he was breaking off the engagement. You had to ask. How in the world could he manage an adult relationship if he is unable to communicate something as important as “I don’t want to get married.”?
Just curious: how long did you date before you became engaged? I find it a bit odd that you had never met his parents before. I’m old fashioned, I guess, because I wouldn’t get engaged until my fiance met my family and vice versa. I don’t require their blessing or approval, but it sure means a lot to me.
Good luck in the future.
I know this is the Pit, but thanks everybody. I’m going to finish my packing today and have lunch with my voice teacher so I can see her again, and so my mom can finally meet her. Then my stuff goes into temporary storage tomorrow morning and I’m outta here. Some of you had questions, so…
His parents live way north of here, for one, so seeing them involved traveling, and they don’t travel anymore except under very special circumstances. Such as weddings that they approve of. :rolleyes:
As for my mostly blaming his mother – we STRONGLY suspect that she somehow talked his father into going along with this. She didn’t even want to tell my ex herself about this, she made him wait to find out what was going on until his dad called after he got home from a doctor’s visit. So while his dad obviously has problems as well, we’re sure his mother was the instigator. Dad is really quiet and seemed very nice, though apparently not as nice as I thought.
And when we first met, we had SO much in common as far as interests go that it was a bit weird, though of course there were some differences as well. We hit it off right away. I didn’t even think about his age – I thought he was in his mid to late thirties. I don’t think I asked how old he was for about a month, and at that point, I decided that it hadn’t mattered so far and I wouldn’t worry about it unless something came up and it DID.
We got engaged eight months after we met. That was pretty fast, yes, but everything was going SO well. That may have been a mistake, but if anybody thinks so, don’t get on me about it now. Lesson learned!
And for those who want to fix me up, I appreciate it. But it’s going to be a while before I venture into this realm again. I need some time to figure out what I’m going to do and to establish myself in a new place. The best revenge is living well, my mom tells me. (I listen to her. I respect her opinion. I do not live my life by her opinion.)
Good for you, whiterabbit. I think you will be just fine.
Damn, but that sucks. As said by others, Mommy Dearest has likely saved you a lot of down-range hurt. Not much of a consolation now, but think of the therapy and lawyers you won’t be needing in the future… Any man this spineless, no matter how much he had in common with you, was bound to be disaster sooner or later.
Still sorry your heart hurts.
As for the age/marriage bit… another datapoint: My inlaws were 20 years appart. It lasted “Until Death Do Them Part”.
I was once engaged to a woman - back maybe 20 years ago. I took her home to meet my parents for Christmas. We stayed for 4 or 5 days as I recall. It was a decent visit, but there were awkward moments.
As we were leaving, my mom (who never was much good at being subtle) walked over to my wife-to-be, and quietly told her privately that she thought she needed professional help, and she hoped she’d get it soon. I only learned about this a bit later.
Then after we got home, we got the same kind of announcement from the parentals - they were very sorry, but they wouldn’t be attending the wedding, and they did not support me getting married to this woman. I was kinda shocked. But deep down somewhere in that head of mine, I kinda sorta knew what they were talking about. It was one of those situations where I was engaged, but as the engagement wore on, I had nagging doubts about the whole thing. I kept wanting it to all work out, but as time went on, it got worse instead of better for me.
Yep - I was basically afraid to tell her that I thought it really wasn’t working out after all. I didn’t give a rat’s ass what my parents thought - I knew it. A couple of my good friends had also told me, unsolicited, that I shouldn’t marry her, and that they knew that this could end their friendship with me 'cause I might hate them. But they felt strongly that something should be said.
A week before the wedding (I know, I shouldn’t have waited that long), I realized that I had to do it, and I called it all off. I have never felt that kind of a rush of relief - I knew had done the right thing. IMMEDIATELY upon hearing of this, I started getting calls and visits from friends who told me that they had been reluctant to get involved and speak their minds, but they had secretly wished that I would call it all off. The ones who had spoken up were relieved that they would still be friends with me. The president of my small company (who knew us both) pulled me into a closed-door meeting with him, and basically hugged me for calling it off.
I’ve left out a ton of details about all of this, and it’s good material for amateur psychologists out there. I was young and dumb. But my point is…there are two sides to every story.
– Mr. Athena
Booka,
I had the same experience once.
I was dating a woman and a friend spoke up. I never held anything against him, though it was irritating at the time, because that is what a * friend * does. A true friend will speak up IMO. He only did it once, but he did speak up. This is the proper way IMO.
My parents did not her and told me so. The two events together caused me to set aside my infatuation and look at her without bias. I could see they were probably right and broke it off.
If only one or the other had spoke up, I might not have done this. The people that wait to say something are doing you no favors. I understand not wanting to get involved but it is not true friendship.
Honey, what everyone else is telling you is very true. I have been in your shoes. It sucks when it happens, but I am also now blessed with some time passed, and I can see it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have heard many people say “I’m not marrying his (her) family, I’m marrying him (her).” I disagree. When a couple marries, they get the family as a package deal. It takes a very strong person and couple to stay together through the pressures of a controlling, demanding, infantilizing set of parents (God forbid both sets of parents act like this!).
Seven years ago I was engaged to a very nice guy. His alcoholic parents and sister despised me (I’m a substance abuse therapist). The more they spit their venom at me, the whinier and wimpier he became. Then he decided he wasn’t ready to get married. Yes, I was hurt, but I cut my losses and dumped him, never looked back. He found me on the internet a few years back and told me he was sorry he backed out… I told him I wasn’t, that we would have ended up getting divorced anyway.
Today I am engaged (88 days and counting down) to a wonderful man here on the SDMB (Padeye). He adores me and so does his family; I adore him and so does my family. This one was meant to be. Whiterabbit, you hold your head high and you find that man who is truly a man that has a wonderful family. That will be the one for you. My very best to you!!!
After looking at booka’s post I still say you dodged a huge bullet with this guy, but there are situations where parents and friends are correct. My mother let me know privately she wanted me to be happy, but did not care much for my fiance (we were both 27) and thought she was immature, unstable, super-needy emotionally and was not going to make a reliable life partner. I ignored mom and went ahead and, in the end, 9 years, 2 kids and one divorce later mom was right about every single observation she made. I don’t regret the union because it gave me two terrific kids, but naysaying moms (or dads for that matter) aren’t always idiots or wrong.
Mom prolly just likes spineless men. Good for you getting rid of that invertibrate. You did a difficult, but very good thing.
And on that note, any man that is still devoted to his mother can never be devoted to you.
True, but on the other hand, a man who treats his mother with respect and kindness will most likely treat his wife the same. There is a definite line between devoted to your mother and “DEVOTED” to your mother.
Whiterabbit - Hang in there. It hurts like hell now, but you’ll be fine.
He’s preventing the Apocalypse by providing an opinion we can disagree about… 
Heck, we’re not trying to fix you up. We’re just trying to find you a Rebound Guy ™. Preferably one who is an orphan.
I agree completely with this sentiment. Except for the part about feeling sorry for him. Let the bastard squirm. whiterabbit, once you get past the grief and hit the rage, keep this in mind. You still have a shot of being happy. He doesn’t. Hooray for you!
Incidentally, when you get to the rage part, start another thread. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of good ideas.
[sub]Like sending him some golfballs for his next birthday, with a note saying, “Though you might like to finally get a pair of balls. Happy Birthday!”[/sub]
Miller, you’re evil. I like that in a person!
CJ