All of my evil will be transparent evil. And if it wasn’t transparent, it wouldn’t really matter, for no matter what evil I do, the masses will still worship me. Not through fear, but of genuine love. They will voluntarily fight for me. But of course, the only visable evil will be the country we are always at war with. They will be the absolute evil.
modro, your title will be the “Grand Pooba of Happiness.”
There will be no need for said agents because there will be no anti-Rand Mcnally rallies. How can there be a rally when the vocabulary does not exist (1984). Plus they will all be comfortable, so there will be no reason for any angst.
But, no poison, it’s to messy. They will just dissapear.
<Agent smith mode> You disappoint me, Mr. McNally. Run a search on this board for posts by “Mr. Excellent.” Yes, that’s me. puts on cool agent smith sunglasses Mr. McNally, do you notice all the posts on political and other evil issues? You should, Mr. McNally.
I assure you, the world will be <I>mine</I>. I have the will, background, and intellect. You…are not the future, you are not even the past, you are just another man. My underlings believe I am wasting my time in talking to you, but I believe, Mr. McNally, that you have the potential for…two lives. In one, you swear you allegiance to me, and we work together to build a world with the order and rules in it that people really want.
In the other, Mr. McNally - well, you can guess what happens if you don’t ally with me, don’t you? Suffice to say that your life story will be summarized <I>very</I> briefly in the history books. But I’m willing to wipe the slate clean, and forget your OP in this thread - what do you say?
New York?
I want to be the Czar of Ultimate Proofreading.
And if you could throw in New Zealand with Australia that’d be pretty sweet.
I have thought about your offer Mr. Excellent, and I believe I have a comprimise. You rule one half, and I rule the other. We will constantly be at “war” with each other, and therefore only increase each other’s power.
Forget about the rules that people want, I’m talking absolute power. I’m talking about wealth, prestige, respect, and the ability to change yesterday’s weather.
Mr. Excellent, I offer YOU two choices. You don’t need to pledge your loyalty, just pledge your allegence, and we will rule together in absolute authority, or you can make a honorable, yet failed stand against my onslaught.
You’d be a valuable accomplice, it’d be a shame for you to make the wrong choice. I’d hate for everything about you to be re-written. You may have the will, background, intellegence, but I’m not above stooping down to low levels to get what I want*.
ace22, You will get New Zealand, but no title.
I’m not like that in real life, but for my world conquering, I am.
Ah, but I know the mystical formula that will stop Rand Mcnally in his tracks!
Oo! Oo! Can I have Iceland? Pretty please with a cherry on top? You won’t even miss it. Whatever you want - loyalty? You’ve got it. Spreading the word? Right after I get out of work. My soul? Actually, that’s already been spoken for and to tell you the truth, I got the better deal.
All hail RandMcnally, King of the Atlas!
(I’m such a joiner.)
Good enough for me. Just let me know when I’m needed.
I and some other friends would be especially interested if you have any need for some sort of ocean-based piracy operations. Here’s my tryout. ahem
“Yarrr, shiver me timbers! Ye’ll walk me plank and go to Davy Jones’ locker, ye landlubber!”
ahem
I must warn you, RandMcNally, be wary of this one. I don’t know if you know this or not, but Iceland sits on the Mid-Atlantic Ridge, where new oceanic crust is being created, slowly widening the Atlantic Ocean. In a few short millions of years, Iceland could be significantly larger in size. Eventually, who knows? It could be huge in 30 million years or so.
I want to be King of the fake country you put in your maps to detect copyright violators. 
Haha, you’ll never take Canada. I’m going to pile Quebec full of explosives, cut it from from the mainland and with dozens of outboard motors, ram it into your puny little country! There’s no way your armies can defeat my Mighty Floating Mass of Geographic Destruction!!
You fail to understand, Mr. McNally. My rule over all of humanity is…inevitable. There is nothing heroic or noble in it, nor is there anything you can bargain with. It simply…will be. Whether you choose to serve the cause of my power or not is irrelevant. Subservient to me, you will be useful. As my rival, you will distract the great powers, and be more useful. I would give you a chance to reconsider, but you had plenty of time to make your choice. I hope it pleases you - I’m going to enjoy erasing you from history, Mr. McNally.
Man, I love channeling Agent Smith. I’m a badass!
raises fists to sky
Damn you for revealing my plan, ace22!!! Damn you!!!
Mr. Excellent, how can you erase me from history if you, or your “underlings” if you can call them that, are not around to do it? Once I am in power, NO ONE will take it from me. Not you, not Polycarp, not anybody who is breathing. T’is a shame I will have to get rid of, but you chose this. Remember, I’m doing this for your own good. Okay, no not really, for my own. But, that’s all that matters.
ace22 I thank you for your information, but it will not be needed. Using my superior despotic skills, I have figured a solution. Peg, you can have Iceland if you attain Quebec from Trigonal Planar before he puts his silly little plan to stop me in motion. Once you hand Quebec over to me, I will give you Iceland. I will then show all my furry, I will make all in Quebec speak nothing but English.
Eutychus, I’m sorry, but that area is for me. Like I said in the OP, it will now and forever be known as the People’s Democratic Republic of Happiness.
Manny Peoples want to see Rand Mcnally’s furry!
Yeah, I know it’s really old, but it fit so perfectly!
I ain’t bowing down. Genuflecting is hard on the knees, you know. I’ll curtsey, but that’s it. As for the new glorious regime, I don’t ask for a country. All I ask for is a harem of studly, manly men for my enjoyment.
And how, exactly, will daily life change under your wise and benevolent rule?
KCSuze, under my wise and benevolent rule, your life will improve greatly. You will no longer encounter stupid or rude people. The stupid will have wiped themselves out, for I will not protect them, and the rude will have been purged. Sad to say this, but Straight Dope will no longer be needed, for there will be nothing to debate. All social problems will have been cured. You will be assigned a job you will love. Your everday life will be made as comfortable as possible. Unfortunatly, for harem will be quite small, for all men deemed to sexy (Brad Pit) will be purged. I DO NOT need competition. Yes, I may own everyone in the world, but I’m insecure.
*Unfortunatly, your harem will be quite small,…
Hey, a small harem is better than none. And Brad Pitt never did anything for me anyway. Sign me up, oh great and fresh-smelling leader!
your excellent mcnallyness, i, aaaaaarrgg, will do your bidding as you please if i can keep antarctica.
…not like anyone would miss it.