Pepper Mill has been feeling a bit down. She had an operation two weeks ago, and is still recuperating. I took MiliCal out for the day last Saturday, and I saw a book in the bookstore, which I had to get for Pepper Mill. She’s convinced, as so many women are, that her butt is too big. I don’t believe this, myself. I think it’s a wonderful size. But she might have been happier if the operation had been in part to decrease the size of her butt.
I saw this book and had to get it. I wanted to flip through it first, and work up the courage to give it to her. Last night I did, after making her promise not to kill me.
It’s been nice knowin’ ya, Cal. We’ll all miss you. Well, not now obviously – after you’ve gone to sleep tonight. So let’s make the most of the time you have left left today.
Good God, I hope you bought it in paperback.
Ah yes, nothing like getting behind in your payments.
So, how comfy is the couch?
Flanderchick is about 103 lbs and sometimes complains to me that she’s getting fat. Because I’m a caring man and am sensitive to her feelings I assured her she was mistaken:
“Baby, you’re 103 lbs! You’re not fat…”
“You’re big boned!”
Fellow Dopers, we are here to remember our late friend CalMeacham. Sadly, there is no coffin or urn, because the crime scene investigators could not find any pieces of Cal that large. So let us gather around this scanning tunneling microscope and view the image of the dozen or so molecules that are all that is left of our fellow SDMB member.
Please do not dwell on the suspicious circumstances of our friend’s demise. The detectives, prosecutor, judge, and jury have spoken, and suspicion is out of place at an occasion like this. I’m sure the fact that all them are female is a complete coincidence.
Now we turn to the book of Kipling, and read the passage that begins “Never let them give you to the women …”
Now now, I think we’re all underestimating Cal. When he says PepperMill is “still recuperating”, perhaps he means “is still so doped up on pain killers I’ll be able to convince her it was a hallucination.”
Hey, did y’all hear that?
I heard some masculine screams and then several thuds.
Cal, are you there?
(Silence)
Somebody needs to call the Police!
Oh Cal, oh Cal, why . . . why did you that?
Nah he’ll be ok. Rectobookectomies are very safe these days, and almost all patients pull through.
I’d offer my deepest condolences for your impending demise, except that I’d much rather participate in it, by smacking you upside your fat head with that book. 
Good for you, Cal. It shows you are listening to your sweetie, and taking her concerns seriously.
Can you find the title Embracing Your Big Fat Head?
Best possible response from her would be to give you the best hug you’ve ever had. To thank you, of course.
Enjoy,
Steven
I am reminded of the joke where the widow holds the cremated remains in her hand:
Remember the BMW I wanted? It’s in the driveway.
Remember the diamond I wanted? It’s around my neck.
Remember that blow job you always wanted?
I notice that the first reviewer of that book gives it one star, and the second reviewer gives it five stars. Somewhat . . . divergent? Wonder what Pepper Mill’s review will be.
There is no variety of dead that is dead enough for the man who gave me that book.
Is anyone else even more disturbed by the **Better Together ** option Amazon suggests?
Amazon does some weird stuff. It says Rosie wrote the foreword, so they matched it up with one of her books.
BTW, Cal, it’s been good knowing you! Where do I send flowers?
Ah, that makes some sense, then…Thanks! 
Nice book Cal, can I have your stereo when you’re gone?
Does this book make my ass look big?
Cal, be sure to follow up well the swelling goes down.