People, this is not a drill. From what I’ve read from Ryle and what I know of him, he may attempt suicide within the next 24 hours. Among other things, he recently posted every negative comment in this thread as more reasons why he does not deserve to live. Some of you may well think that. If that’s so, if you genuinely believe anyone in this thread does not deserve to live, you start with me. World Eater, you’d damn well better believe this includes you. If you truly believe Ryle’s a worthless “piece of shit” who doesn’t deserve to live, start with me, because I’ve been worse off than him and my life ain’t worth that much anyway.
Most of you, thank God, OG, the IPU or whatever deities happening to be hanging around, don’t suffer from clinical depression. I do. I’ve been where Ryle is, with my thinking so distorted that I cannot see or experience anything save pain and anger. I’ve been at the point where I have believed my death would only benefit my friends. I’ve believe I am unworthy of life because people treated me like I was unworthy of any kindness or consideration. I was strong enough, tough enough, and just plain stubborn enough to survive, even when I very badly wanted not to. I very badly want Ryle to have that privilege, too. I’m doing all I can to see that he does, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough.
You haven’t seen me at my worst. I haven’t posted here when I’ve considered my life a waste of resources which could be put to better uses. The internet was in its infancy when I was a teenager, and I would have gotten in trouble for posting my troubles anyway – I would have been unduly burdening others. When I’ve been suicidal, and that is within the past year, I haven’t posted here because I’ve assumed you people would take steps to prevent it.
Right now, Ryle is pretty much by definition not in his right mind. I hope and pray that he will find his way out of it, and I’m doing all I can to help. I don’t know if it will be enough.
Nocturne, Bob Kitty and I have exchanged e-mails. I’ve also done my share of tough love in my time, but my response was due to what the actual effect on Ryle was. I’ll cut what slack I can, but right now, my own lines are pretty tight.
CJ