We have a serial shitter living in our dormitory. So far, there’s been 5 incidents in the past month. Today, it’s been escalated. The person(s) took a shit on a teacher’s car. Please help me to make a profile of this person to help catch him/her.
College.
Binge drinking, sex with sorority girls, may or may not wear a baseball cap backwards. Both the fact that he (it’s almost certainly a male) is in college and he took a dump on a teacher’s car indicates a hatred of authority.
A teacher who swears that he/she will capture this dispenser of poopy justice is likely to have his or her car fall victim to defecation vigilantism.
If the teacher’s car isn’t a random act then start with students from that class. Anybody living nearby?
Camera’s are cheap. Get some old VCR’s together and record the area in question.
Take a map of your campus, put pins in the locations of the incidents. Then use string to connect the points until the strings all crisscross - that’s where your shitter is operating from.
What? It worked for Major Hochstetter on Hogan’s Heroes once!
Seriously though - the locations are probably a good place to start looking for patterns.
To ‘eliminate’ suspects you could start feeding selected individuals corn, for specimin identification purposes.
Navy veteran. Seriously.
The Scarlet Poopernel?
Robin Dood?
He took a shit on a teacher’s car? WTF? Like, he crawled up, squatted on the hood, and then dropped a deuce right there? Wow, that guy has got balls.
If they got in the way, maybe the perpetrator will smell bad.
Or an Army veteran. I worked with a West Point grad in Kosovo and this same sort of thing went on when he was there. Once the guy pooped under some couch cushions.
Sometimes I just don’t get guys…
If I could shit serial, that would cut down on my food costs a lot…
Phantom Shitters are damn near impossible to catch. Often they will shit into a bag or onto a piece of cardboard, then ‘deposit’ their cargo elsewhere.
The Mad Crapper lives!
(See: National Lampoon’s High School Yearbook Parody)
I see a “poopdeck” joke here, but good taste and discretion prevail.
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Anal-sadistic, whatever else may be said for it, is a very manly thing to be.
A couple of years before I moved into my dorm, one resident waited for a bit dorm-wide meeting to crawl atop the piano and take a shit upon a piece of paper that read “Beethoven’s Last Movement.”
That’s absolutely disgusting. That person should be shot.
I thought dna tests could prove who it came from?
I woulda chosen “Beethoven’s No. 2,” but to each their own!
And if you could shit parallel, you could save a lot of time on the crapper.