Cead Mile Failte

One hundred thousand welcomes to the St Paddy’s Day joke thread…add your favs

“You’ve Been Out Drinking Again”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to staand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!” Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?” “The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

“Lost at Sea”

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

There was this newly arrived novitiate,young,fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village… So ‘tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles.After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o’ tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says “I’ve never come this way before”. “Don’t you be alarmed now” says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones…"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, “Your mum’s the best shag in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”

Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and ‘Quicksilver’ (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said “Seamus, What Subject are you studying?.” Seamus responded, “Irish History”. Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the ‘Easter Rising take Place?’

Seamus responds …“Pass”

OK said Magnus, “Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?”,

Seamus Responds …“Pass”

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds… “Pass”

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, “Good Man Seamus…Tell the English Nothing…”

Grainne Haloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard
Man - ‘That’s nice.’
Son - ‘Want to buy it?’
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man - ‘How much?’
Son - ‘$500.00.’

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son - ‘Dark in here.’
Man - ‘Yes, it is.’
Son - ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son - ‘$200.00.’
Man - ‘Fine.’
A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride…
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son - ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’

from this page

A man walked into a Pub in County Cork one evening and sat by himself.

When the barmaid stopped by his table to take his order he said, “I’ll have three pints of Guinness, and I’ll have them all at the same time.”

The man then proceeded to sip from one glass, then the second, then the third, slowly drinking the three pints of Guinness at the same time.

The next night the man did exactly the same thing, ordering three pints of Guinness and drinking them together. On the third night, after the man placed his order, the Publican stopped at the man’s table. “Good Sir,” said the Publican, “ this is the third night now you’ve honored my establishment, but I have to tell you that the regulars have become a little curious about your drinking habits. It’s not that you order three pints of Guinness– it’s that you drink them all at once.”

“You see, it’s me two brothers,” said the man. “They have left Ireland to try their fortunes in America, and before they left we made a pact to share a pint with each other whenever we could, and so one pint is for me and two are for me brothers.”

This habit continued for many weeks, until one night the man walked into the Pub and said to the barmaid, “I’ll have two pints of Guinness, and I’ll have them both at the same time.”

Soon everyone was aware of the change in the man’s habit and discussed it with the Publican, who decided to talk to the man.

“These many nights now,” said the Publican, “you have honored me and my business with your patronage, and indeed, you’ve become a regular. And on behalf of the assembly here tonight, I’d just like to express our mutual condolences on the demise of your poor brother.”

“I appreciate your kind words,” said the man, “but to the best of my knowledge my brother’s are both fine and doing well in America… I don’t understand your concern.”

“Well,” said the Publican, “until tonight you have always ordered two extra pints to share with your brothers, and when you ordered just one extra tonight, we feared for the worst.”

“Oh, is it that, is it?” said the man. “It’s not me brothers– it’s meself. You see, today is Ash Wednesday, and I’ve given up beer for lent!”