There was this newly arrived novitiate,young,fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village… So ‘tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles.After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o’ tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says “I’ve never come this way before”. “Don’t you be alarmed now” says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones…"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, “Your mum’s the best shag in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
Finally Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans ‘Just a Minute Quiz’ and ‘Quicksilver’ (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said “Seamus, What Subject are you studying?.” Seamus responded, “Irish History”. Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,
"In what year did the ‘Easter Rising take Place?’
Seamus responds …“Pass”
OK said Magnus, “Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?”,
Seamus Responds …“Pass”
OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"
Seamus Responds… “Pass”
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, “Good Man Seamus…Tell the English Nothing…”
Grainne Haloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard
Man - ‘That’s nice.’
Son - ‘Want to buy it?’
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man - ‘How much?’
Son - ‘$500.00.’
In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son - ‘Dark in here.’
Man - ‘Yes, it is.’
Son - ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son - ‘$200.00.’
Man - ‘Fine.’
A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride…
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son - ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’
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