No, I’m just shaped like Christina Hendricks. And a red-head.
But just fine, thank you!
And still celibate…* 
This this has been thissed by the thisser!
Does it? I don’t think NSA sex itself sabotages future relationships. I think the real “problem” is that we just don’t want those relationships enough. While the idea of a husband and the whole shebang sounds “nice,” people in the younger generation have so many other things that they want, too.
We know full well that our ability to travel, pursue our education, and even to some degree advance our career is going to be made a lot more difficult should we get married. I’m 29 and I still feel that marriage is the end…the end of fun, the end of adventure, and the end of life as I know it. And I know the statistics. I know if I give up stuff for marriage, there is still a huge chance it’ll just all fall apart anyway. Obviously this attitude at this age is not great if the goal is to get married. All I can do is hope to meet someone that I like so much that I change my mind.
Anyway, men have had the choice to be happy bachelors with full and colorful love lives for generations. I think what we are seeing now is that there are plenty of women who are willing to make that choice as well. Like every choice, it comes with it’s own sacrifices.
If happily unmarried men (but not women) could have full and colorful love lives, who were they having sex with? Other men?
For every guy who goes to a bar and picks up a stranger, there’s a woman who goes to a bar and picks up a stranger.
Or do you just mean that women (but not men) were supposed to be ashamed of it afterwards?
This is the point I am driving at - Yes, the “problem” I see is that men are getting sex so readily and easily that they are less inclined to even want those more substantial long-lasting relationships. There is the concept that it is the end of fun instead of the start of a different kind of fun.
And I have experienced the fact that NSA sex has sabotaged future relationships. I firmly believe that men look upon women as “play material” versus “wife material.” Even though I am no longer “mother material,” my early indiscretions make me less desirable as a wife (in many eyes) simply because I have had more experience than many of the men with whom I have been involved.
To me, this becomes the ultimate irony. I read about so many men who complain about wives who are sexually repressed and uninterested while having someone like me as a wife could provide years and years of adventurous sexual exploration, fun, and adventure.
You have set up your relationships so you get sex without affection and affection without sex. There’s nothing wrong with any such encounter on an individual basis, but as a pattern, it suggests fear of intimacy. You’re not letting anyone know you as a whole person.
If you want to change your situation, in the long run, I think your best bet is likely to be some therapy to figure out what’s causing your particular relationship dynamics.
Doin’ that - about three months now and as I asked my psychiatrist just last week, I am apparently making improvements (although one tends to not see them when one is analyzing them so closely).
Apparently it has to do with being the daughter of an alcoholic and the continual struggle in looking for acceptance in the face of repeated rejection.
I should have pointed out that I’m a woman.
If a woman is having tons of NSA sex and thinking that is somehow going to lead to a marriage proposal, obviously that’s a problem. That said, I don’t think holding out sex in hopes that he’ll be pressured into committing is the answer. Why would I think a marriage to a guy who is only in it because that’s the only way he can get sex is going to be at all stable?
Anyway, I don’t think that’s what is happening these days. In my generation, women are under less pressure to marry and have developed a lot of goals outside of the family, which means they are no longer quite so eager to wed. We’ve seen our parent’s marriages go bad, and are under no illusion that marriage is the answer to anything. We’ve also now have more social freedom to enjoy and seek out sex on it’s own. And so, more and more, that is what we are doing. What has changed is that women are now enjoying the same thing that men have been doing for generations. I think it’s great and certainly women shouldn’t be ashamed.
In short. hese NSA relationships are not poor misguided girls who think they are going to land a man. They are for the most part women who like sex and aren’t ready for commitment. Like everything in life, there are trade-offs. But I think it’s good that we now have this option.
As for men who don’t see you as “wife material” because you’ve had a lusty life, screw 'em. You don’t need a man with an ego so fragile that he needs to imagine his grown-up girlfriend is some kind of dewy virgin. Yeah, this will lead to some men passing you by…it’s happened to me, too. But you would have found other problems with those guys anyway. Better to wait for a man who knows he’s a man and doesn’t need to play out some improbable sexual pioneer fantasy to feel like one.
Late 20s female here. I can’t speak for all of my generation but I was never into the NSA type stuff. It was always my goal to have a family and fortunately I seem to have found a guy who wants the same stuff I do.
When I was single, I thought the book “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” had a lot of practical advice about how to find a serious relationship. One point the author made is that since nowadays there are so many people who are satisfied with not being married, if marriage is something that you want you have to make it a priority to look for it and not just wait for it to happen by luck or serendipity. If I were still looking for a guy, I would view NSA arrangements as a distraction from the goal of finding the marriage-material guy. It’s better to get a good vibrator or something and spend the time that would have been spent on the NSA guy looking for guys who are better prospects for something serious.
The book makes the point that you have to make an effort to put yourself in situations where you are likely to meet single guys. It’s probably worthwhile to make it more of a priority to go out into the suburbs if that’s where the single guys are. You might want to consider taking up an activity like golf (mostly a male sport, and seems like the guys who are into it are on the older side usually).
I do golf. Just not enough or at the wrong times, I think. I am also a wine writer and attend a lot of public and private tastings which are heavily male-attended (hence my friend base of lots of married men). I’m also going to a bar this evening which specializes in a particular genre of music just to start socializing in public more than I have been (I tend to not be a bar chick).
I’m sure it will happen and instead of dwelling on my celibacy, I’m just moving forward as I have always done. There was just a weak moment of indecision.
You know, a lot of men come with ‘baggage’. Issues from growing up, prior relationships. Some even have children. Yes, children, those things found to be horrible when begat by someone else but pure blessing when begat by yourself.
I’m in my 40s and am probably facing a fairly horrendous divorce. If I’m lucky, I’ll have joint custody of two sweet boys (aka smelly nightmares from another marriage) and child support until they are both past college. They’d be in my life forever. So I’m obviously not who you were looking for even if were weren’t 3000 miles apart.
(Besides, I’m a human map-pin. If I were ever to move from NJ, the entire map of America would roll up like a cheap window shade.
And who am I to make The United States of America go fappita…! fappita…! fappita…! fappita…! ?)
That said, its not about sex, girl. Its not about your curves, legend though they may be. Its not about who you’ve been with before, as long as the guy knows in his heart that its Him who you’re with now.
Its about you, that beautiful & creative mind between your ears, and how you and he would interact. Could you be his friend? Could he be yours? If neither of you could have sex for a week, could you hold a conversation? Do you have comon interests? Can you agree to disagree on the subjects you can’t agree on? Can you settle for a massage & cuddling on nights you’re both totally exhausted? Could you agree on TV shows? Can you deal with being late for work because of a morning ‘quickie’? Would you truly ever be happy having kids in your life, who might very well learn to love you, that you didn’t go through 36 hours of labor to create?
If I could give advice (and no one listens to me here; ask anyone) I would say that the best bet would be to cultivate a friendship first & then groom a lover.
But remember: if you truly want him, you’ll have to take all of him, warts and all.
If he truly loved you, he’d ask no different.
Good for you! One benefit of therapy is that you might go in for one problem (relationships), but come away with an improvement in all areas of your life. You may find yourself becoming happier and better adjusted for your own sake, and not just for the goal of being with someone else.
That, cept I’m 42 and female. People my age run a complicated spectrum of old baggage, yours is cleaner than many (no ex-husband or kids).
What the…? I went to a Dopefest and a half and missed the orgies! 
Well I think you gotta decide if you need it more now or later. You seem to be torn between waiting and now, but part of you really it wants it now, and part of you would feel lesser for it. I think it’s mostly an issue of how you see yourself. Anyone worth having will like you for you, not your history. I know I wouldn’t settle for anything less then a woman who liked me for me, regardless of if my history says man-ho or a virgin.
::: drool:::
And you are a wine writer?
::: sigh:::
If I were only single. You sound awesome.
Oh dear. I googled “marriage scam” but found nothing. A am a middle aged woman myself, so could you describe this scam to warn a sister off?
To answer your OP: I would take it as a huge plus that you are actually into sex enough to seek it out when you were single. It is hard for a man to stay married to a woman who doesn’t care about sex.
There are a number of sites which talk about the scams including DontDateHimGirl.com. There are a ton others:
I got on a chat list which included THOUSANDS of people who had been bilked out of money from on an online romance; men and women. I was lucky in that I figured out my scammer within 9 days. I talked to some people who were led on for months or even years because it goes beyond the email and into phone calls.
In my case, I was talking to a guy every day for two and three hours - they spend a lot of time getting you hooked early to establish a hard and fast relationship as soon as possible. They send a lot of pictures and you are talking to a real person so there is little reason to question the validity when one is seeking a connection.
That is why I am so reluctant to even start a conversation with someone if there is no way I can meet them for coffee or something fairly quickly. It is easy to get carried away with someone’s words but without a face-to-face, how far can it go? There was a very interesting fellow Doper approached me but when I brought up my concern about the physical distance between us (and another little issue that could be a detriment), I didn’t hear from him again. Que sera sera…
Thank you, Rick. Seriously. 
The scams are easy to avoid- just don’t give anyone your money. If it is marriage you want, well realistically it will probably take a long time to develop that kind of relationship and you ought to be able to spot a scammer in the meantime.
Why not run your own scam? The Fried Dough Ho Free Dinner Internet Scam! No seriously, hear me out. The young guys are lined up to get your attention? This isn’t all bad, as clearly your problem is not a lack of attention. So, screen a few. Go on 3 or 5 or 10 first dates. Let 'em buy you dinner. You don’t have to take it any farther than that, and there really isn’t anything wrong with ‘using’ some guy who is also looking for a date for dinner. Eventually you may find someone you like to hang out with and you can try to take it from there.
If you’re still worried about scams, have someone you can talk to about what you’re doing in your dating life. Let 'em watch out for you.
Male 49 years old.
Celibate for 6 years now, my choice.
I do miss being married.
I tried but I cannot do casual sex anymore. I don’t even think about sex, I do think about talking and cuddling, laughing and sharing a closet. That’s what I miss. I hope that when I do meet that special someone the urges will return.
The nice thing is that my house is clean, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m compleately debt-free.
Lonely? Sure, but I also enjoy not worrying when and where I go (which is amusing, as I go nowhere).
Move to Cleveland :D.