In this Pit Thread, Manda JO, says
Is this good advice? Is this applicable for someone on the losing end of the break-up of a long-term relationship, let’s say a seven-year marriage? A whole year celibate! Can it even be done? Should there me a minimum of alone time? Or should someone dive right back in the pool?
It’s been two years (or longer) for me, so far.
But then, I’ve started dating again just last month. So I guess my term is up. Still, no sexual activity, though.
But after a while, who’s counting. And sex is overrated anyway (in my opinion).
It’s the relationship I’m after. So my challenge is to find a gal who doesn’t have to have sex four, or more, times a week. Once a week, or even twice a month, is just fine for me.
Hell, I’ll even settle for a lesbian (just kidding)
Maybe I’ve been celibate for too long? Hah!
Jet Black
Homebrew: you’re joking, right?
I mean, going a year between SOs isn’t that big a deal. As an adult, that happened to me three or four times.
Manda JO has a genuine point: once you realize that being on your own for awhile isn’t the end of the world, you’re aware that you really can leave a relationship if it sucks. If you don’t really believe that, you can put up with some seriously deranged times, just out of your need to be with someone.
Well, I’ve been single for a little more than three years. By “single” I mean “not involved in a serious relationship”. I used to feel really bad about it, wondering when it would stop. I’m much more relaxed now. As a matter of fact, I’ve come to appreciate being alone. I still want to find “the one” of course but at least, I accept the fact that it’s not going to come easily. And I feel that these 3 years have helped me to understand who I really am.
Let me clarify my admittedly jumbled question. At the end of a long-term or otherwise significant relationship, should a person take a specific amount of time in which he or she avoids dating entirely? I don’t mean staying home like a hermit, but only going out with friends and intentionally not getting involved, even just carnally, with another person.
Well, let me clarify, as well. It’s been over four years for me. ( I looked in my journals). Time is evil on the memory, and the years go by faster.
Nuff of that.
Of course, how one gets back on the bicycle is up to each individual. Not to mention the circumstances of the previous relationship that one has just left behind. If it was a terrible time, then escaping might call for celebration - thus, jumping out into the nightlife and upping your ratio to meet someone new.
On the other hand, the relationship simply faded slowly, and you may have lingering emotions over it, then maybe you can slow down and allow time to pass, in a psuedo “respect” for it. Most people stay in touch, to a certain degree, with their SO, after a long relationship. Depending on your communication, you might feel a bit awkward jumping back in the fray when you still get friendly phone calls from the “ex”.
As I said, this would vary wildy from person to person. You might find the love of your life, the day after you break up. Would you let it pass due to some unspoken “rule”?
We never know, bro.
Jet Black
I think it is excellent advice, at least the being single part. Once you achieve a high level of confidence as a single, it bolsters and helps build your other personality attributes in my opinion. The best couples I know are people who have attained an affluence in independence and can come together on the same level.
Being celibate for a year? Only you can answer that Homebrew! Everyone has a different libido, and therefor recquires varying degrees of sexual encounters. An article I read a couple years back also described a myriad of health benefits ranging from mental to physiological benefits. Just something to keep in mind.
Homebrew, my point about a year of celebacy is that you should do it at least once, not after every relationship. This is as much to prove to yourself that you can as anything. Of course I don’t think that there is any magic number, but I think there should be enough time go by that you know you could do it forever if you had to, and still be a happy person. (for instance, if my husband lost his genitals in a terrible rubber band accident, I could adjust to a life of celibacy–I know this. I wouldn’t like it, wouldn’t choose it, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world).
I have known so many people over the yeras that have seemed to feel like if they don’t get laid at least once a week or once a month or once a quarter then it is some sort of horrible reflection on them as a person–they feel rejected, not by anyone in particular, just by “the world” and they go out and have sex with some of the nastiest people and then sometimes end up married to them.
If you always get into relationships a few weeks after the last one ended, you are selecting from a much smaller pool–the pool of people you encountered in that six weeks–than if you are selecting from the pool of people you encountered over the span of year. Obviously, the best match out of a dozen guys will not be as good a match as the best match out of a thousand guys.
And, as I have said before, the person that can walk away from a relationship has total power over the person who can’t. Only when both people could walk away, but choose every day not to, is a relationship healithy.
I think the single and happy part is the important bit, not the celebate and time frame part. Once you know that you can be happy with yourself you’ll stop looking for other people to “fulfill” you, and you’ll be able to have an enriching relationship where you’re not playing the part of desperate doormat.
That self confidence may take a year to find. It may take less. It may take a moratorium on sex. It may not.
Huh.
I been celibate for 7+ years.
I enjoy it actually.
Huh.
I been celibate for 7+ years.
I enjoy it actually.
If I’m not in love with someone (and I haven’t been for about that long) then I don’t want sex.
I am TOO wearing undies!
“At the end of a long-term or otherwise significant relationship, should a person take a specific amount of time in which he or she avoids dating entirely?”
Yeah. It’s called “middle age.”
As a corollary, I propose the following:
Everyone should have a time in their adult life where they live alone–as in no roommates (pets are okay). I believe this helps you be independent, learn how to cope with boredom, and learn that being alone is okay.
Case study:
One of my former roommates got married last summer (right after she graduated college). Assuming her marriage lasts, she will never had a time where she had to take care of herself alone. First, she lived with her parents. Then she lived with her college roommates, and now she lives with her husband. What’s she going to do if someday she has to live alone?
[Jon Lovitz]
Yes. Yes. That’s why I’m single. I’m taking time off to be with me. That’s the ticket.
[/Jon Lovitz]