Cereal Crimes

[Fear_Itself]

@Biffy the Elephant Shrew

Apparently somewhere in the world they still make the clown-skull-shaped Kaboom.

Man, that is some seriously scary shit.

[boggle]

Billy Mays eats that.

[wonky]

Damn you all. Now I’m jonesing for some King Vitaman, and it just tears my mouth to pieces.

I shake my fist in the general direction of the internets.

[Count_Blucher]

**Malthus ** wins. (must post faster…)

@jsgoddess

Damn you all. Now I’m jonesing for some King Vitaman, and it just tears my mouth to pieces.

I shake my fist in the general direction of the internets.

…and we Quake with fear…

[boggle]

Quisp is an alien.

[The_Understander]

@Count Blucher

**Malthus ** wins. (must post faster…)

…and we Quake with fear…

Someone’s seriously missing out on a major cross-promotional opportunity here.

“Now with extra railgun!”

[Baldwin]

I miss Quake.

There was a nice visual joke cum pop culture nostalgia bit in Kill Bill, Part 1: somebody fired a gun through a box of Kaboom.

As usual, our friends at The Onion are on the case: Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption.

[mobo85]

@Max Torque

He’s part of the “every cereal mascot must have a different schtick” conglomerate. Observe:

[ul][li]Trix: Kids have the cereal, mascot tries to steal it.[/li][li]Lucky Charms: Mascot has the cereal, kids try to steal it.[/li][li]Fruity Pebbles: Mascot has cereal, other mascot successfully steals it.[/li][li]Cookie Crisp: Mascot has cereal, other mascot is unsuccessful in stealing it.[/li][li]Smacks: Mascot has cereal, has a hard time getting a chance to eat it.[/li][li]Cocoa Puffs: Kids have the cereal, mascot tries to avoid it.[/li][li]Cap’n Crunch: Mascot and kids have cereal, other mascots try to destroy it.[/li][li]Honeycomb: Kids have the cereal, give it freely to a series of hostile invaders.[/li][li]Honey Nut Cheerios: Mascot has the cereal, gives it freely to various sad sacks.[/li][li]Froot Loops: No one has the cereal, mascot leads everyone to it.[/li][/ul]

Anyway. I’m sure I could think of more if I could think of more cereal mascots. The interesting thing is, they’re all very vaguely similar, and yet none of them quite follow the exact same pattern.

I actually once thought of starting a thread classifying the cereal mascots into categories: the Wile E. Coyote (bumbler who can never get the cereal), the Gamera (friend to all children), etc.

And I’m glad cereals and cereal characters are going back to their roots. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is much more entertaining as a guy who just wants to get away from those Cocoa Puffs but never can than a skateboarding hipster Gamera, and Cap’n Crunch ads are much more entertaining now that Jean LaFoote’s back. It almost makes up for the government taking away Bad Apple’s name.

[Max_Torque]

@Fear Itself

Is ‘Trix’ singular? The ad says “Trix *are * for kids” so it is nominally plural. Is one Trix a Trik?

According to the Brunching Shuttlecocks’ “Order of the Individual Cereal Unit,” yes.

[Bookkeeper]

@Spavined Gelding

I sometimes think that my life started down the wrong path when during the waning days of the Truman Administration I uncritically accepted the idea that somewhere behind the Quaker Oats factory in Cedar Rapids, Gabby Hayes was blowing bushel after bushel of oats and wheat out of a muzzle loading 12 pounder gun to produce Quaker Puffed Oats and Quaker Puffed Wheat – it’s shot from guns. But then it may have been the Ovaltine thing, too.

Any of you SOBs who deny knowledge of Gabby Hayes, the ultimate old fart cowboy sidekick, has just lost any feeling of respect for you I may ever have had.

I was somewhat bemused to find that the official dictionary of occupations used by the Canadian government for many years actually had a listing for “gunner”, which referred to the workers who operated those cereal puffing machines.

[Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew]

@Max Torque

According to the Brunching Shuttlecocks’ “Order of the Individual Cereal Unit,” yes.

Choculum. snerk

[elucidator]

@Bookkeeper

I was somewhat bemused to find that the official dictionary of occupations used by the Canadian government for many years actually had a listing for “gunner”, which referred to the workers who operated those cereal puffing machines.

Trivial sidebar. Have to wonder if there was any intention of a sly reference to the “Quaker cannon”. For those of you with better sense than to waste your time on historical aracana, a “Quaker cannon” was a cannon-sized log of wood, painted black so as to be mistaken (at a distance) for a genuine cannon, and mounted on a warship so as to give the impression of mighty armament. Of course, it was by nature harmless, hence, a “Quaker cannon”.

That’s a true fact, you could look it up.

[Fear_Itself]

@elucidator

Trivial sidebar. Have to wonder if there was any intention of a sly reference to the “Quaker cannon”.

And here I thought a “Quaker Cannon” was just the nickname Pat Nixon gave to Dick’s manhood.

[Wile_E]

@mobo85

I actually once thought of starting a thread classifying the cereal mascots into categories: the Wile E. Coyote (bumbler who can never get the cereal), the Gamera (friend to all children), etc.
…

Hey! Why are you picking on me?

[Infovore]

Put me down as another puff-lover. I used to love Trix when I was a kid. Then they went and changed them to those horrible fruity-shaped things, and they tasted different. They did the same thing with Cocoa Puffs–they’re still puffs, but instead of the gritty chocolate balls of my youth, they covered them with this vile chocolaty powder that’s supposed to come off and turn the milk chocolaty too. Yecch! As a lover of dry cereal (I like the in-milk variety too, but the old Puffs were fine for that as well) I wish they’d just stop changing my cereal. It doesn’t always have to be new and improved–and “new and improved” usually isn’t. Improved, anyway.

Yeah, I’m a puff-lover and proud of it!

[mobo85]

@Wile E

Hey! Why are you picking on me?

I’m not blaming you, per se. If anyone, the ACME Corporation is responsible.

[Miller]

@ivylass

I am horrified to this day when Ivylad picks up Cocoa Puffs or Fruity Pebbles…why not just pour yourself a nice bowl of sugar drenched with honey and be done with it? :eek:

Because then he doesn’t have anything to eat for lunch. Duh.

[brownie55]

@Baldwin

I miss Quake.

There was a nice visual joke cum pop culture nostalgia bit in Kill Bill, Part 1: somebody fired a gun through a box of Kaboom.

As usual, our friends at The Onion are on the case: Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption.

I thought that was a Tarentino invention, like his Apple Cigarettes. Thanks.

[MovieMogul]

: hangs head in shame :

I was in 7-11 yesterday, and saw a box of Krusty O’s for the first time. Naturally, the box illustration (satirically) made the cereal look rancid and disgusting.

So of course, I bought a box. Haven’t opened it yet–hope there are marshmellow inside.